Ray: I give you that shot a hundred times you'll never make it again. Looked like something you'd do on ice skates. This ain't hockey Fraser okay? This is basket ball. A good American game.

Fraser: Well perhaps it has become Americanized Ray, but like many things Americans lay claim to it originated elsewhere.

Fraser: Get out of here.

Fraser: No, it's a fact. Basketball was invented by a Canadian.

Ray: Look, just because some fisherman once slam dunked a halibut into a net--

Fraser: Actually it was a minister who used a soccer ball and he nailed a peach basket to either end of the gym.

Ray: Oh this is very sad, Fraser

Fraser: Course Reverend Neismith eventually immigrated to the United States. As a matter of fact he was working at a YMCA in Springfield, Massachusetts of all places when he--Stop the car.

Ray: What?

Fraser: That car is parked in the fire zone.

Ray: So?

Fraser: Well for one thing it's dangerous and for another it's disrespectful to the law.

Ray: Fraser, parking illegally in this town is a sport.

Fraser: Alright, I'll catch up.

Ray: Hey! Hey you're gonna drive my insurance rates through the roof.

***

Fraser: Excuse me sir. Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Perhaps you didn't notice that sign when you parked your car but you're in a fire zone.

Bodine: Oh is that so?

Fraser: Yes and the problem is you see, if the trucks come they wouldn't have a source for their fire hoses.

Bodine: You do know what you can do with your fire hoses?

Fraser: Ah, well, yes, if I was unable to circumvent your vehicle, I'd pull up that sign, drive it through the side windows, and run my hoses in between. But that's just me.

Bodine: Leave me alone, Jocko.

Ray: Hey, hey. License and registration pal.

Bodine: Register this.

***

Ray: I think I hit a tire.

***

Suzanne: Hi. We better get you out of the street. You'll be okay here. I've gotta go.

Ray: Who are you?

Suzanne: Long story.

Ray: Stay.

Suzanne: I'd like to.

Ray: God you're beautiful.

***

Ray: There was this woman.

Paramedic: Uh huh

Ray: I just opened my eyes and there she was. The most beautiful woman I ever saw.

Paramedic: Uh huh.

Paramedic: How long was he unconscious?

Fraser: Four maybe five minutes.

Ray: She pulled me to safety and then she kissed me.

Paramedic: Uh huh.

Fraser: She kissed you?

Ray: On the lips.

Paramedic: Head injury. It happens.

Fraser: Did she speak to you?

Ray: She wanted to stay. I know she did then she was gone. She wants me to find her Fraser.

Paramedic: Uh huh.

Ray: You want to stop with the uh huh-ing?

Fraser: Do you remember what she looked like?

Ray: She looked exquisite.

Fraser and Paramedic: Uh huh.

***

Officer 1: Definite hit and run. Skid marks everywhere. Nobody saw the driver?

Fraser: She must have gone that way.

Ray: What do you mean she?

Fraser: Well there was no one else on the street Ray.

Ray: You think it was her? She saved my life!

Fraser: Well yes, she did. After she hit you.

***

Officer 2: There's something you have to see.

Ray: I tell you it was an accident. She's driving at night in a strange neighborhood with bad street lights. Okay, Okay, so maybe she was near-sided.

(Fraser nods)

Officer 2: He actually stopped a guy on the south side to lecture him about fire safety.

Ray: Well, it's Saturday night and he's Canadian

Officer after opening trunk with weapons in it: Good call.

***

Elaine: Okay, so I ran the plate on that car you brought in last night. Vehicles registered to a Frank Bodine. 1177 West Flournoy Apartment twelve. He's got fourteen hundred and fifteen unpaid parking tickets and an expired registration.

Ray: Any priors?

Elaine: That's a different program. This is just vehicular.

***

Elaine: So Fraser, how's the apartment furnishing coming along?

Fraser: Very well thank you, Elaine. As a matter of fact, I recently purchased a lamp.

Elaine: Really? A lamp.

Fraser: Very good for reading.

Elaine: Is that what you do at night?

Ray: Elaine we've got work to do here.

Elaine: So what are you reading with this new lamp?

Fraser: Well, I've been reading a book about currency watermarks.

Elaine: Alone? Here we go. Bodine, Frank, aka Frank Bumington. Aug. 89 breaking and entering. One year. Suspended. March 9, receiving stolen property, got 18 months in Juliet. Did eight. November 94 Possession of illegal weapons, case pending. $250,000 bail posted.

Ray: no wonder he didn't want us running his license. What about the woman?

Elaine: You know, funny thing, I'm having trouble matching the word exquisite to a lot of mug shots.

***

Welsh: You want me to authorize a stakeout for a weapons violation?

Ray: Assault weapon sir. A whole trunk of them. We can put out a APB on this guy but he's one nasty piece of work and I don't think he's just coming in for anybody so naturally I'm thinking stakeout.

Welsh: Right. I can't blame you Vecchio. Stakeout is such a romantic notion. In fact I'm still tingling from the last one you asked me to authorize.

Fraser: Oh, the hotel scam, sir? That wasn't your average stakeout sir.

Welsh: Oh it certainly was not. I remember the hotel bill as if it were yesterday. Poolside cabana suites, aquatic arobic lessons.

Ray: Suspect liked to swim sir.

Welsh: The thrill of totally up that four thousand dollar mini bar tab.

Ray: Aw it's the honey roasted peanuts sir. One bag and they got you.

Weld: Do you ever feed this wolf?

Fraser: I'm so terribly sorry sir but I think it's the urban influence. He seems to have developed a real taste for fast food.

Welsh: Alright, two teams, two spotters, one apartment, no mini bar. You don't get him by Friday, that's it.

Ray: Right.

Welsh: If I give him some, will he stop?

Fraser: Not a chance, sir.

***

Fraser: Thank you kindly, Leftenant.

***

Huey: So how are things at work.

Lewis: I don't want to talk about it.

Huey: Well talk about it.

Lewis: We won't talk about it.

Huey: It's about time, Vecchio.

Ray: Ah come on I'm only five minutes late.

Huey: Five minutes too late Vecchio.

***

Huey: Hey how you doing?

Ray: You guys play any cards while we were away>

Lewis: We were messing around a little.

***

Huey: How many more Fraser?

Fraser: Uh, none-----

Huey: None

Ray: Give me three. It's all about signs.

Louis: Two. What do you mean signs?

Ray: Women give men signs to let them know they're the right woman for you.

Louis: She hit you with a car. You call that a sign?

Fraser: You know when the French fall in love they say they've been hit by a

Louis: Huh?

Ray: Huh?

Huey: What?

Fraser: A bolt of lightening. Love is a very disorienting emotion. As a matter of fact they've done experiments that demonstrate that hamsters when they are mating secret a hormone that makes them behave irresponsibly.

Ray: Do you know how my father knew my mother was the right woman for him?

Three.

Ray: Cheese cake.

Huey: Look, I hate to interrupt but are we playing cards here or are we talking about cheesecake.

Fraser: Alright, alright. I'm in.

Huey: Thank you.

Ray: He was at his brother Angelo's wedding in Gary? And everyone was having a great time. They were drinkin wine, makin toasts and eatin. And all of a sudden he looks across the room and he sees this woman sitting there all by herself eatin cheese cake with a knife and fork. I mean, come on, how often do you see a person eaten cheese cake with a knife and fork? They either eat it with their fingers or just the fork.

Louis: It that why he married her? Because she was eating a piece of cheesecake with a knife and a fork?

Fraser: No Gardino, it was a sign. That's how he knew she was the right woman for him. She was a lady.

Huey: You gonna call or what?

Louis: I don't know. Look, I can't see why we don't play for real money, I mean, we're cops. What are we gonna do, arrest ourselves?

Ray: No, but he will.

Fraser: I'm sorry, I would be honor-bound.

Huey: Great. I think there's two million women on this planet you could be happy with. I mean you meet one and you got to ask yourself is this number one? Number two million or number six hundred and seventeen. It's a crap shoot you know. You could settle for six hundred and seventeen and tomorrow meet number eleven. I raise.

Louis: Okay then Phyllis was number two million and one. She drove me crazy. She had a voice like a parakeet. Never shut up. Then there was Vanessa. She was number two million and two. She came from a family of meat packers. You visit your in-laws on a Sunday and come home smelling like a pork roast.

Huey: You gonna raise Fraser?

Fraser: Well I'm just wondering if I should. Perhaps you could refresh my memory. Does a straight beat when they are all the same kind?

Huey: Not even in Canada.

Louis: I got trips. You know the only sign I ever got was from Janice and that took five years.

Huey: What was it?

Louis: From her lawyer. Came in the mail.

***

Ray: So there we were parked in the Rivera it's two o'clock in the morning and she asks me where I think this relationship was going.

Huey: Look--call or fold.

Ray: I mean come on. What kind of question is that to ask someone at two o'clock in the morning.

Fraser: Perhaps she was just being prudent.

Huey: Are you in?

Ray: Fraser, who is prudent has any business being in love. I'm telling you man, it was a beautiful summer night and there was a breeze coming in off the lake. This is no time to sit and talk about the future.

Huey: The future is "It's gonna be noon before we finish this game."

Louis: Talk is bad. You talk and before you know it, it's all over, you're married.

Ray: Right! And then what? What about love? What about that moment when you know this is the woman you want to spend every waking hour with for the rest of your life.

***

Huey: Okay, My turn. I call. Look at this, I'm playing poker with myself.

Ray: I'm telling you, you've got to have that special woman in your life or you know you'll never ever be the same again.

Fraser: When it happens, how do you know?

Ray: You just know. You just know. And that's what happen to me on Saturday night. I got the sign.

Louis: Now all ya got to do is find her.

Ray: Hey, I'll find her, I'll find her.

Louis: I got a flush.

Fraser: Well I'm sorry Louise it would appear I have a Royal House.

Huey: A what? A full house Fraser.

Fraser: Oh, so it is. I'm terribly sorry.

Huey: Look at this? A Mountie sand bagging. Who ever heard of a Mountie sand bagging?

Ray: You only meet the woman of your dreams once in a lifetime. I'll find her. Just watch.

Huey: Meanwhile, you want to deal?

Fraser: Huh?

Huey: Deal.

Ray: Oh yeah.

***

Fraser: You know, there was a woman once, Ray. We were, uh... I don't know what we were. In the end I tracked her up above the 62nd parallel into a place called Fortitude Pass. A storm had been blowing for days; the whole world was white. By the time I found her I had lost everything --my packs, my supplies, my -- everything. She was huddled in the lee side of a mountain crag. She was almost frozen, very near death. So I staked a lean-to and draped my coat across it, drew her inside, and I covered her body with mine and I just held her...while the storm closed around us like a blanket, until all I could hear was the sound of her heartbeat, weakening. I forced her to speak to me...just talk to me ...say anything to keep the cold from taking her. And it snowed for a day...and a night...and a day. I was delirious; I almost gave up. The only thing I had to hold onto was the sound of her voice, which never wavered. She recited a poem. You know a funny thing, I must have heard that poem a thousand times that night; I never heard the words. It ended ...badly. She had a ... she had a darkness inside her ... and the most beautiful voice. The most beautiful voice you've ever heard.

***

Undercover Cop: Somebody entering the building.

Ray: Copy. Someone's coming in.

Fraser: She's in the apartment. She's found the wardrobe. She's taking some clothes.

Ray: Fraser, it's her.

Fraser: Now she's coming outside. Dief! Oh that is it. You're cut off Bucko.

Undercover Cop: Police, hold it.

Ray: There she goes Fraser. The woman of my dreams.

***

Ray: Oh that wasn't a sign Fraser, it was an omen. Why didn't I see it?

Fraser: Well anyone can have a lapse in judgement Ray.

Ray: No, this isn't a lapse. This is my life Fraser. You know every time I think I've found the right woman she turns out to be the wrong one. The one I thought was wrong I'd make a date and never show up. Six months later I'm sitting in a pew and I'm watching her walk down the aisle with some goomba and I'm thinking that's her, that's the one. How did I let her slip through my fingers?

Fraser: Uh, Ray.

Ray: This one. This one I would have bet my soul on. Here she is working for Frank Bodine.

Fraser: Ray slow down.

Ray: No no no I'll lose her.

Fraser: No, watch. You slow down, she'll slow down. She has no intention of losing you Ray.

Ray: You mean she's a decoy. She tricked us? God why do I love that?

Fraser: The apartment.

Ray: Hang on.

Suzanne: They made me Frank, get out of there.

Ray: He's gone. We missed em.

Fraser: The wardrobe is closed. She left it open. What did he need so badly to go to all that trouble to get?

Ray: She was in and out of here is thirty seconds. She knew exactly where everything was.

Fraser: He's been staying at this apartment for three days now what do we know about this man?

Ray: You think she's been living here with him?

Fraser: We know he's nearsided. The TV is too close to the easy chair. And when we met him he wasn't wearing glasses. Maybe contact lenses?

Ray: Ah -- just because she's doing his dirty work doesn't mean that she's --

Fraser: He went to the wardrobe. Now what is in here.

Ray: Well I don't know Fraser. Some of her stuff some of his stuff. How am I suppose to know.

Fraser: These sheets have hospital corners.

Ray: Oh thank god they aren't floral. Only a woman buys floral.

Fraser: It's something learned in the army Ray.

Ray: Not with a rap sheet like his.

Fraser: What if he were in the National Guard?

Ray: Well that would give him access to weapons.

Fraser: It's missing.

Ray: What?

Fraser: What's the one thing a guardsman's never suppose to be without. His uniform. That's what he came back for Ray, his uniform.

Ray: What for?

***

Elaine: Sgt in the National Guard, 85 through 88.

Ray: Still active?

Elaine: With his record?

Ray: Check anyway and get me the name and location of every unit he's been a member of.

Elaine: 67th Regiment Armory, 67 Walbash.

Ray: Got em.

Fraser: Thank you kindly Elaine.

***

Ray: Why can't I meet some nice young thing that's crazy about me? You know, someone who wears shorty pajamas and makes me muffins at Christmas time. Is that too much to ask?

Fraser: What exactly are shorty pajamas?

Ray: Oh, don't ask. You're better off. Me. I gotta fall for some hit-and-run driver who works for a stolen weapons dealer. Go figure.

Fraser: Go figure what?

Ray: It's an American expression, Fraser. Don't you think it's about time you picked up the lingo?

***

Bodine: Cops. Come on baby, take out the cops, take em out.

***

Fraser: She had the perfect shot Fraser, she almost killed me.

Fraser: No she didn't Ray. She missed you by seventeen centimeters.

Ray: What?

Fraser: She was firing a Barretta 9mm, the light was at her back. The truck was barely moving. I pulled this out of the wall from behind you.

Ray: What are you saying? She missed me on purpose?

Fraser: Her trajectory was off line by almost eight degrees which almost impossible to do unless you're trying.

Ray: Why?

Fraser: I don't know.

Ray: But maybe I do. Maybe I saw it in her eyes.

Fraser: Ray you've only known this woman a few seconds while you had a concussion.

Ray: Well it doesn't matter Fraser. I mean 10 seconds, 10 years, chemistry is chemistry. I figure Bodine's got something on her. Maybe she did something foolish when she was young and Bodine is blackmailing her into helping him.

Fraser: Well I suppose it's a theory but--

Ray: She really wants to get out. That's why she's sending me signals Fraser, she wants me to rescue her.

Fraser: Ray, Ray, maybe you shouldn't think about this right now.

Ray: No I mean come on how often does a thing like this happen. Has it ever happened to you?

Fraser: Well I I uh

Ray: Of course not, you're a Mountie. What does a Mountie know about women? I think I'm in love with her Fraser.

***

Bodine: It's freezing in here. When's the coffee going to be ready.

Suzanne: Soon as you make it.

Bodine: Oh great. Why don't they call, huh? Sold them a half a million bucks worth of weapons and I have to deal with flakes? Is the phone turned on? Leave it on the table. You know I still don't know how you missed that cop.

Suzanne: Neither do I. Off day I guess.

Bodine: Well I don't like that cop or his fruitcake Mountie friend. We should take em both out.

Suzanne: You should learn how to relax Frank. How are you ever going to enjoy that half a million if you can't learn to relax?

Bodine: He's a Mountie. These Mounties they catch you sooner or later. I hate that.

Suzanne: That's not real life, Frank, that's Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Bodine: Call me when the coffee's ready.

***

Suzanne on tape: They made me Frank, get out of there.

Fraser: Is that her voice?

Ray: She's doing it under duress.

Louis: Right. She shot at you under duress, too.

Huey: Was that the only call in or out?

Elaine: There was one wrong number, someone trying o sell life insurance.

Huey: What the hell were you doing following her?

Ray: She took some clothes out of Bodine's apartment.

Louis: Hey! You don't quit a stake out.

Ray: Oh is that so?

Lewis: Yeah. Well unless you've got a little thing for that babe who's decoying you.

Ray: Did I ask your opinion? Did anybody in this room ask for Detective Gardino's opinion?

Fraser: Can you give me the number she was calling from?

Elaine: Sure but she called from her car. It was a cell phone.

Huey: No, you've never gonna track a cell. It's a nightmare.

Fraser: Not really. Not if you've tracked caribou.

Ray: Fraser? Let's try this one more time. Okay? We're in Chicago. We are not tracking caribou, we're tracking gun runners.

Fraser: No no, I understand Ray, but I think we can catch them the same way. What we need is a map of the companies antenna locations.

***

Bodine: What time is it?

Suzanne: Two-twenty.

Bodine: They said two o'clock.

Suzanne: I know

Bodine: I should have gotten half the money up front that way they couldn't stiff me. Why didn't you figure that?

Suzanne: I did, but what do I know.

***

Ray: So what's it called again?

Fraser: It's called triangulation, Ray. It's the same technique that game wardens use to track caribou herds.

Ray": Well that's fascinating Fraser, but the last caribou spotted in Chicago was over three hundred years ago.

Elaine: That was the cell phone company they found her number and picked up signals. Here, near Carpentersville. Farmland mostly. Not too many folks with mobile phones in those parts.

Fraser: Does the phone have to be in use to pick up the signal?

Elaine: No it just has to be on to receive calls. It admits a signal unless the powers off. That's the good news.

Ray: Elaine, we are attempting to track criminals as though they were fur-bearing animals. What news could be bad?

Elaine: The grid covers an area of over twenty square miles.

Unless you plan to go door to door.

Ray: Okay Fraser, How do we find the herd.

***

Fraser: The cellular phone company sent a signal from their antenna to a phone. The phone sends a signal back. We draw a line on the map of that location of the signal, then we move to another location, trip the signal again and draw another line. That's our triangulation. Wherever those lines meet on the map that's where we'll find Bodine.

Ray: If I find her, I have to arrest her too, end of story.

Fraser: Well, yes.

Ray: Yeah.

***

Bodine: Yeah. Uh huh. Where? We'll meet you there in an hour. Pack your bikini baby.

***

Fraser: We're getting something. There.

***

Ray: You take the barn. I'll take the house.

Fraser: Diefenbaker. Oh never mind.

***

Suzanne: I'm sorry.

***

Suzanne: Frank!

***

Fraser: You all right?

Ray: She kissed me.

Fraser: After she hit you?

Ray: I'm gonna see her in jail Fraser, if it's the last thing I do.

Fraser: Sorry.

***

Fraser: This road intercepts with the main highway in five point two kilometers.

Ray: I want her Fraser.

Fraser: If we can stop them from getting to the highway.

Ray: I'm gonna put this chick away for a long time. She'll be 90 before they let her out.

Fraser: Perhaps you should radio for backup.

Ray: She's not going to do this to me no more.

Fraser: Ray.

Ray: Huh?

Fraser: It might be a good idea to radio the sheriff's station and request backup.

Ray: Great. Patch me through to the Cain County Sheriff's Station.

***

Bodine: How long before we hit the highway.

Suzanne: A few more minutes.

***

Ray: Armed robbery, attempted murder. Assault and battery on a police officer. What do you figure? Forty to life?

Fraser: I don't know Ray.

Ray: Hard time in Joliet.

Fraser: Slow down.

Ray: What?

Fraser: There's a road up on the right.

Ray: There they are.

***

Bodine: Damn it it's them. Floor it baby. Go! Go!

***

Bodine: Go-go-go! Go-go-go! Cut em off! Cut em off. The other way. Go-go-go back! Go-go-go! Come on!

***

Fraser: You're sure this is a good idea.

Ray: Yes Fraser.

Fraser: You're quite sure.

Ray: Yes.

***

Suzanne: Now what?

Bodine: Go round it.

Suzanne: No road.

Bodine: What's the matter with you? Go through it!

***

Fraser: Ray, I don't mean to press the point but we're standing behind a 1971 Buick Riviera. They, on the other hand, are hurtling down a hill at roughly 47 miles an hour in a six ton, steel-plated military weapons carrier.

Ray: Works for me.

Fraser: Very good.

***

Bodine: Go through it.

Suzanne: No!

***

Fraser: Oh there you are. Out of donuts are we?

***

Ray: Are you alright?

Suzanne: What happened?

Ray: It's a long story. You need an ambulance.

Suzanne: No. Stay. Stay.

Ray: Love to. Are you okay to walk?

Suzanne: I think so.

Ray: Good. Good. Come on. Come on. Get up.

Suzanne: Oh, oh.

Ray: Get out of here.

Suzanne: What?

Ray: Get out of here. You can cut through the woods. You gotta get to the highway.

Suzanne: You're letting me go? I tried to kill you three times.

Ray: Are you deaf? Get the hell out of here.

Suzanne: Special Agent Suzanne Chapin. Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. You just screwed up five months of work, Detective.

***

Ray: Gonna ask for my shield, Fraser. Nine years on the force down the drain.

Fraser: There were mittigating circumstances Ray.

Ray: She's a fed Fraser. I offered to let her go. She's gonna put that in her report and three minutes later Welsh is gonna call me in his office and ask for my shield and they'll be right. I would have bet my soul on her, Fraser. Stupid.

***

Huey: Well if you ask me he woulda been better off if she'd just hit him and left him dead on the pavement.

Louis: See? That is the trouble with signs. You get the right sign from the wrong woman you end up paying for it for the rest of your life. Better he never saw that sign. Better it never happened.

Elaine: Then how would you know.

Louis: How would I know what?

Elaine: If you never saw the sign how would you know if you were wrong or right?

Louis: You don't know. You just go on taking chances. Like every other dumb shomo. See that is the great thing about love. It evens the odds. Anyone can be completely humiliated.

Elaine: Well if there was a sing I could tell by the way he blew his nose or tipped his hat. I'd want to know.

Louis: Women don't have signs. Men have signs. Women have biological imperatives. It's true. I read it.

Elaine: Gee, Gardino, it's no wonder your wife left you for a pork roast.

Huey:What?

Huey: Lt. wants to see you Vecchio.

Louis: Yeah and bring your play book.

***

Welsh: Come in. Yeah, sit down Vecchio.

Ray: Oh I'd rather stand sir.

Welsh: Suit yourself. I have Special Agent Shafer's report on the Bodine arrest here. Would you like me to read the relevant passage?

Ray: Yeah sure why not?

Welsh: We were able to seize eight hundred and fifty assault weapons and put Frank Bodine in custody. This arrest could not have been accomplished without the assistance of Detective Ray Vecchio who was instrumental in bringing this operation to a satisfactory conclusion. His hard work and courage in the face of danger was exemplary. Congratulations Detective

Ray: I'm sorry sir?

Welsh: I said congratulations.

Ray: Yeah, yes. Thank you sir.

***

Ray: I gotta find her, Fraser.

Fraser: I took the liberty. Regent's Park Hotel.

Ray: Thanks

***

Suzanne: You want something, Detective?

Ray: That kiss meant something.

Suzanne: Yeah it meant step closer so I can hit you.

Ray: You must be really good at your job.

Suzanne:

Ray: What do you take me for? Some kind of jerk? What do you think you can just walk away and never not spend the rest of your life wishing you had the guts to say it?

Suzanne: It was a job.

Ray: Then why didn't you report me?

Suzanne: Come on, who needs the paperwork?

***

Ray: Go on.

***

Ray: That's it, Fraser, that's the sign.

Fraser: What is Ray?

Ray: The look. She left me, but she left me for the wrong reason. She loves me.

Fraser: But she's gone.

Ray: Well that's what's right for us. Maybe some day it won't be but now it is.

Fraser: But you might never see each other again.

Ray: Exactly. That's what we need - ridiculous odds and just a speck of hope that someday we'll beat them.

Fraser: I can't say I understand that, Ray.

Ray: Well of course you don't! You aren't too swift at this stuff, are you, Fraser?

End