Ray: All right what have we got here. A, uh, a tuna on white for Welsh, a turkey on wheat for Huey and Elaine wanted the uh pastrami on sourdough.

Fraser Rye.

Ray: What?

Fraser Elaine wanted rye bread.

Ray: Eh, what's the difference?

Fraser Well, Ray actually the difference is considerable. For one thing --oof -- I'm terribly sorry. Sorry. You see, Ray, sourdough requires...

Clifford: Bring up number 38. Good afternoon ladies. Is there uh something in particular I can help you with?

Karen: What do you have that is ridiculously expensive?

Clifford: They say a diamond's a girls best friend, so I'll be happy to show you some of the best diamonds in the city.

Karen: I could use a few new friends actually.

Clifford: Well then, make friends with these.

Fraser In order to make the culture roughly four pounds, uh, hang on a second. That woman looked straight at me.

Ray: So?

Fraser Well Ray, for a Muslim woman to make direct eye contact with a strange man, it violates deep cultural traditions.

Karen: They're beautiful. I'll take them.

Clifford: Which piece would you like?

Karen: All of them. Now put them in the bag. Everyone down on the floor. Quickly.

Wanda: Nobody more.

Ray: Fraser, I don't think that's a violation under the Illinois Criminal Code.

(beep beep beep)

Fraser: That is.

Karen: You! Over there. Hurry. Get out from behind the counter. Now quickly.

Ray: Police, drop your weapon!

Karen: You drop yours.

Ray: That's not how it works.

Karen: We're walking out of here and if you try to stop us, I'll blow his head off. Drop your gun. Drop it. Drop it.

Ray: Nobody gets hurts

Karen: Stay back from the door. Back. Stay back.

Clifford: Hey listen what are you some kind of terrorists? Listen, I'm not some kind of politician. I don't even follow politics.

Karen: Shut up--quickly.

Ray: Anybody got a key?

(chase)

Ray: Fraser!

(screech. Falls off)

Ray: You okay? Fraser, you okay?

Fraser: Yeah, I'm fine.

Ray: You're sure you're okay?

Fraser: Who the hell are you?

Ray: Stop kidding around, you know damn well who I am.

Fraser: Who the hell am I?

Ray: Oh dear.

Doc: It's a good thing your friend's got a hard head.

Ray: Oh, I'm glad someone else finally noticed.

Doc: There doesn't seem to be any concussion but the trauma of the impact seems to have induced a total loss of recall.

Ray: We've got a hostage who's life may depend on what Fraser saw, is there anything we can do?

Doc: well, exposing him to familiar things might jog his memory. Friends. Places. Things you've done together.

Ray: Hey Fraser, how you feeling?

Fraser: Who?

Ray: You, Fraser, that's your name.

Fraser: F-r-a-s-i-e-r?

Ray: No, F-r-a-s-e-r.

Fraser: Ah, and you would be?

Ray: Ray.

Fraser: R-a-y?

Ray: That's correct. Detective Raymond Vecchio of the Chicago PD.

Fraser: Am I under arrest?

Ray: No, you're not under arrest, you're a cop too! You're Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Fraser: Oh, so we're in Canada.

Ray: No, we're in Chicago. We're after some diamond thieves. You've got their plate number.

Fraser: Ah.

Ray: Right, uh, maybe we should start at the beginning.

[Ray: You're father was a Mountie, a legend.]

Robert: You're going to shoot a Mountie. They'll hunt you to the ends of the earth.

[Ray: Someone shot him and you came to Chicago on the trail of some dentist. And that's where we met.]

Desk Sergeant: Look here's Nanook of the North. Fraser: Constable Fraser. Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Desk Sergeant: No kidding. You got a dog?

Fraser: He's in quarantine. I'm looking for an officer assigned to this case number.

Desk Sergeant: Oh yeah, you're gonna like this fella. You can't miss him. Just look for Armani.

Ray: Can you read that? Does the label not say Armani? Of course it's original merchandise. A friend of mine just sorta found a truckload sitting on the side of the road.

Inmate: Isn't this kind of a strange place to do business?

Ray: Hey, at least in here you know who you're dealing with, right?

Fraser: Excuse me...I'm looking for a Detective Armani?

Ray: Come on...You mean me? Guard!

Ray: Okay, who let the Mountie in the holdin cell?

Fraser: I'm sorry I believe the unfortunate confusion with an unfamiliar idiotic trade name.

Ray: The confusion was, was down here you don't bust in on some guy when he's about to take down the biggest operator in the garment district for buying stolen merchandise.

Fraser: Oh, so you were attempting to sell him a truckload of illegally obtained men's clothing.

Ray: That's right.

Fraser: Isn't that entrapment?

Ray: What do you want from me?

Fraser: I was told that you're in charge of this case.

Ray: Ah yes, the dead Mountie thing, like I couldn't have guessed. Look. I've got your list of names in my basket here. The moment I get a chance I'm going to go to the computer, pick up the phone and call you with the information so you can go get your Boy Scout points. Now, is there anything else?

Fraser: Yes. The dead Mountie was my father. And I would appreciate it if you'd check the names while there's still a chance of catching the man who killed him. Oh and by the way, he's not in the garment business.

Ray: What?

Fraser: Your man, in the cell. He had a hole in his shoe. I'm not familiar with your city but I'd assume a big garment buyer wouldn't be caught dead with a hole in his shoe, so, like you, he is pretending to be someone he's not.(Pilot)

Fraser: And then we, um,

Ray: bonded.

Fraser: Bonded.

Ray: We bonded?

Fraser: Yeah, you can say that.

Ray: Hey, what's up? It's you! I didn't recognize you standing there like that. Okay, I acted like a jerk. I didn't realize it was your father. I should have checked into it earlier. I'm sorry. Anyway you know you were right about the goomba in the cell. Now I dig around and I find that this guy is internal affairs trying to nail my butt for illegal entrapment. Can you believe that? This guy's trying to entrap me into entrapping him. Cops. (sigh) In any case I figure I owed you one so here it is. Thanks. You're kidding right? This is your job? This is, like, your real job? Do you believe it? This is his job. They actually pay people to do this in Canada. Sorry. (sigh)(Pilot)

Ray: Now you're sure you don't remember anything?

Fraser: No.

Ray: You don't remember one thing. Anything that happened--anything you saw just before the accident?

Fraser: What accident?

Ray: It was a jewelry heist. A man was taken hostage by three women. They threw him in a van. The van sped away ... you jumped onto the van and as you were leaning back to get the license you...

Fraser: Hang on, hang on ... I jumped onto a moving van?

Ray: Yeah, it's something you do all the time.

Fraser: What am I, stupid?

Ray: No, you're a hero.

Fraser: Ah?!

Lenny: My car! They got my car! (Pizza and Promises)

[Ray: Since I met you, you've ridden just about anything that moves.]

Fraser while hanging onto Lenny's car: Please stop immediately, this is not your automobile.-- (Pizzas and Promises)

Fraser while hanging onto the taxi: Would you consider discussing this over coffee?

Cabbie: You're rather seriously crazy!

Fraser: Oh dear. Sorry. Oh. (Chicago Holiday)

Fraser: You think maybe you got me mixed up with someone else maybe?

Ray: Alright, look Fraser, we've got to get you back to normal. Here, put this on. (Ray hands Ben the Red Serge jacket)

Fraser: Ooo that's bright.

Ray: Yeah but you look good in it.

Fraser: .... really bright.

Clifford: You gonna shoot me just let me go. I won't tell anyone honest. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't know. What the hell is going on. Please, please maybe we can work something out.

Karen: Be still.

Clifford: I don't want a blindfold. I don't want a blindfold. Hey wait a minute. That ring. That ring. I recognize that ring. That ring belongs to my wife. Karen. Wanda? Darlene.

Karen: Hello Clifford.

Clifford: I'm a dead man.

BANG/CRASH

Ray: Fraser?!?!

Fraser: What?

Ray: You didn't hold the door open for this woman!

Fraser: So?

Ray: You always hold the door for women.

Fraser: It only takes an extra second to be courteous. After you ma'am. After you sir. After you.

Ray: Are we gonna get on or what? (Pilot)

Ray: Just like you help old ladies across the street, you let people in front of you in line. ..

Fraser: After you ma'am. After you. After you, ma'am. After you, sir. After you.

Ray: Will you get in the truck? Just get in there okay?

Fraser: Sorry Ray. After you. Hello everyone, how are you? (Chicago Holiday)

Ray: That's what you do.

Fraser: Why?

Ray: 'Cause you're polite.

Nurse: Just a moment.

Fraser: Pardon me. Is there a pay phone?

Nurse: Down there.

Fraser: Thank you kindly. Sorry. (Dief's Day Off)

Fraser: Thank you very much, Elaine.

Thank you kindly.

Well, thank you kindly, ma'am.

Thank you kindly, Elaine.

Thank you kindly.

Thank you kindly, Leftenant.

Thank you kindly, Elaine. (various)

Fraser: Excuse me, can I have your attention please? Thank you. Anyone carrying illegal weapons if you would place them on the bar -- You are under arrest.(Knife thrown embeds itself in the wall next to Ben's head) You realize I'm going to have to confiscate that?-- (Pilot)

Fraser: C'mon Mack, no one's that polite!

Ray: You are! And my name's not Mac. It's Ray.

Ray: Did you get anything on that plate? One letter even?

Fraser: Nope. Nothing.

Ray: Do you remember this car?

Fraser: Can't say as I do. No.

Ray: Beauty like this is one in a million. This is a 1971, mint condition Buick Riviera.

Fraser: You know Ray, you really don't have to do this. I'm sure I can find someone to loan me a car.

Ray: How many people have we asked.

Fraser: Well, uh, basically everyone I know. It does seem curious that they all decided to leave town at exactly the same time.

MacDonald: Are you aware that this particular gas tank in this particular make of car explodes on impact?

Ray: You wanna ride in the trunk?

Fraser: Ray, you know, I appreciate your offer, I really do but you have some kind of special bond with this vehicle. I'm not saying I understand it but I do respect it.

Ray: Shut up before I change my mind.

[Ray: It's irreplaceable. Thanks to you it got blown up.]

Fraser: Right now would be quite a good time.

(bam. Ray shoots. Riv blows) (Man Who Knew Too Little)

Ray: Twice

Elaine: Ray? It's Elaine. I've got bad news. Nothing on the van.

Ray: I was afraid of that.

Elaine: I thought you'd want to know Welsh's temperature is rising by the minute. How you doing with Benton?

Ray: Great. Making a lot of progress.

Fraser: Can I ask you something?

Ray: Yeah.

Fraser: What the hell kind of name is *Benton* anyway?:

Ray: Ah... it's going to be a lot harder than I thought.

Elaine: Ray no news on the van. Hi Benton.

Ray: New boyfriend Elaine?

Elaine: No, it's for Lt. Welsh.

Welsh: Vecchio. How you doing on that jewelry heist?

Ray: Fraser got a good look at the license plate sir.

Welsh: Great. What are you waiting for we'll run it.

Ray: Ah, there's a problem He fell off of the van and lost his memory.

Welsh: You've forgotten it?

Fraser: Complete blank.

Ray: Benny why don't you look around and see if anything looks familiar.

Fraser: No.

Welsh: Is this legit?

Fraser:; Ah yes it is.

Welsh: Excuse us for a second. Vecchio we got a hostage out there.

Ray: You know sir if he gets his memory back we can close this case.

Welsh: Why don't we leave medicine to the doctor's okay. Let's just do some solid police work. Don't got the time to play this is your life.

Ray: Yes sir.

Fraser: What did he say?

Ray: That he's happy I'm helping you get your memory back.

Fraser: Hmmm.

Huey: Ma'am we assure you we'll do everything within our power to help you get your husband back.

Karen: Oh Clifford!

Huey: I'm sorry, ma'am. We'll keep you informed.

Karen: sob...giggle.

Clifford: OW! God, give me some warning will ya?

Karen: Okay. Do it slower this time.

Clifford: Never mind, never mind that's--------

Karen: Hey Cliffie. We all did it for you. Plucking, waxing, preening.

Darlene: Didn't anyone ever tell you that it was wrong to cheat on your wife?

Clifford: OW!

Karen: And to be cheating on her with the three women who work out at the same club is just stupid.

Darlene: You lied to us Cliffie.

Wanda: You made fools of us.

Clifford: Look, what do you guys wants?

Karen: What I want is to kill you.

Clifford: OW!

Rhonda(WMCJC): Hello there. We meet again.

Fraser: Hi.

Ray: What's the matter?

Fraser: Well, I mean, that woman just....pppffftt... you know.

Ray: Oh, it happens all the time.

Fraser: Really?

Ray: Oh yeah.

Fraser: Thanks, Elaine.

Elaine: You want me to ... call you at home?

Ray: My case, Elaine. Me. Detective Vecchio, police officer, you talk directly to me. Ok?

Elaine: Fraser should probably have the number just in case.

Fraser: Oh, uh, ahem, I'm afraid I don't have a

Ray: He uses smoke signals. We'll call in Willie come on mush. (Free Willie)

Waitress: I mean, call me old fashioned but I think there's nothing as attractive as a man with baby formula on his sleeve.

Ray: Oh please.

Fraser: Oh, could you, uh, would you mind? (A cop, A Mountie and A Baby)

Lady Customer: Excuse me. I'd like to take a test drive?

Dealer: yes ma'am, right this way.

Lady Customer: Uh, no. With him.

Fraser: Oh certainly. Which car?

Lady Customer: All of them.. (Pizzas and Promises)

Fraser: Would you ah ...

Twins: Anytime. (Chicago Holiday)

Customer: May I help you.

Fraser: Yes. I'm looking for a woman... A particular woman. Her name is Miss Burns. Would you happen to know if she's here?-

Customer: I haven't any idea. I don't work here.

Fraser: Then how could you possibly help me? (An Invitation to romance)

Lady in Car: Need a lift?

Ray: Oh yes thank you.

Lady in Car: Not you. Which way you going?

Fraser:: Well we're traveling together ma'am.

Lady in Car: Ditch him.

Ray: I'll go without him.

Lady in Car: Not likely. Too bad. You ever get to Miami just ask for Wanda. (The Man Who Knew Too Little)

Ray: As a matter of fact, even my own sister has eyes for you.

Frannie: Oh sorry I didn't know you were in here

Maria: Didn't know, she's been standing in the doorway timing it so you'd be undressed.

Frannie: You are such a liar.

Ray: I am naked in here. Does that mean anything to anybody?

Frannie: Shut up. Here. You can use my towels.

Fraser: Well thank you but I'm afraid I'm not having a shower.

Frannie: Oh, don't be silly it's really no trouble. And don't use all the hot water. I'll wait for mine.

Maria: Yeah, by the key hole.

Frannie: Ya know I've really had enough of your mouth. (They Eat Horses)

Frannie: Can you read me?

Fraser: Loud and clear. Oh um once again, I'm terribly sorry about the confusion. I thought you understood my intention.

Frannie: Don't worry. Really I've forgotten all about it. (Pizza & Promises)

Frannie: Let me ask you something. If a guy asks if you're busy tonight, he's asking you out, right?

Lady: Yeah I'd think so.

Frannie: Yeah, so would I. Ya seen the salesman? (Pizza & Promises)

Ray: When my sister wants something, she makes no bones about it.

Frannie: Don't be afraid. (The Deal)

Ray: You slept with my sister?

Fraser: Did she say that?

Ray: No she did not say that. She's my sister, I do not discuss sex with my sister.

Fraser: So, she didn't say...

Ray: No.

Fraser: Oh well, very well, forget that I mentioned it.

Ray: Hey, Fraser (An eye for an eye)

Fraser Really? With your sister. And you were ok with this?

Ray: Sure.

Ray: Did you sleep with him?

Frannie: Oh God. Why? Why? Would it matter to you if I did?

Ray: Yes, it would, you're my sister. I care about you. (An Eye For An Eye)

Ray: Stupid right? I mean, if I want anybody to sleep with my sister -- and I'm not encouraging this -- I'd want it to be you.

Fraser: That's very generous of you Ray. (An Eye For An Eye)

Fraser: Hey, what if I don't get my memory back?

Ray: You'll get your memory back.

Fraser: But what if I don't.

Ray: Look, you'll get your memory back, all right, just trust me on this.

Fraser: Do I trust people?

Ray: Implicitly.

Fraser: Good.

Ray: Okay here we are. Home sweet home. Ring any bells?

Fraser: Not any big ones. I live like this? Am I being punished?

Dennis: Yo! I found a key.

Fraser: I'll be right up sir. Ray, Ray, Ray.

Ray: What?

Fraser: Is my lanyard straight?

Ray: He's a slum lord!

Dennis: Up here, on the terris level is where you get your great view. Of course it costs a little extra but it's worth every penny.

Ray: Is there a terris?

Dennis: No.

Fraser: Would you like to see my references now?

Dennis: References?

Ray: It's like a rap sheet.

Dennis: No, that's ok. This is the place. The furniture, appliances and all of this great stuff is included. Utilities are extra. On a good day you can see Canada just across the lake.

Fraser: Canada is four hundred and eighty miles due North.

Dennis: You have to really squint. (Free Willie)

Ray: It's okay. It's Diefenbaker, your wolf.

Fraser: I own a wolf?

Lenny: Hey that's my car.

Fraser: Ray. Stop Diefenbaker! Stop him!

Ray: Hey! Stop! Halt!

Fraser: Stop him!

Ray: Unmush unmush!

Fraser: Where's your car!

Ray: Lot B. You ought to get that dog a hearing aid.

Fraser: It's my mistake. I never shoulda sent him.

Ray: He'll come back.

Fraser: No he won't He won't stop until he catches it.

Ray: And if they don't stop?

Fraser: He'll die trying. (Pizza & Promises)

Fraser: Am I allowed to have a wolf in Chicago?

Ray: Not normally but I got you a permit and you'd think you'd show a little appreciation.

Fraser: Well, are you coming? You know ya-ya let a wolf save your life and they make you pay and pay and pay.

Ray: That's why I don't own a wolf. (Chinatown)

Fraser: He's very friendly.

Ray: Yeah, he's your best friend as long as you have something covered in chocolate.

Ray: Don't even think about it okay? Don't even think about it all right? Just do what ya gotta do so I can get out of here, okay? Ya know why ya can't go don't ya? It's all that sugar. Remember that next time you try to eat something of mine. This is what happens to bad wolves. Come on think results here. Go will ya? (They Eat Horses)

Fraser: Would you mind dropping by my place and checking on Dief? He's been in the apartment all day.

Ray: Oh great. I can't wait to see what I'll find.

Fraser: Thanks Ray. (They Eat Horses)

Ray: That's your dad's diary.

Fraser: My father. Wait a minute. Something's coming back. I remember we were in a car.

Ray: What are you reading?

Fraser: My fathers journals. I'm just going over old cases to see if there's anything similar.

Ray: Is there.

Fraser: Not that I've found.

Ray: I'm gonna go to the gas station I'll be right back.

Robert: That Sam's case was nothing like this.

Fraser: No, I know but what I can't seem to find is...

Robert: Hello son.

Fraser: Hello, Dad. How are you?

Robert: I'm dead son. Other than that do you mean?

Fraser: No, that's what I was asking.

Robert: Oh, that's good. Never be ashamed to ask a stupid question son. I taught you that.

Fraser: Not specifically, no.

Robert: Well no time like the present. So fill me in on the case.

Fraser: Well in a nut shell. There was a bank robbery today now we've identified the perpetrators but the wheelman, now that's the driver in Chicago parlance double crossed his partners now what we can't seem to figure is there any insanity in our family?

Robert: No, not that I'm aware of.

Fraser: Good.

Robert: Well there was your Uncle Tiberius who died wrapped in cabbage leaves but we assumed that was a freak accident. Go on... (Gift of the Wheelman)

Fraser: He was in the back seat. We were on a stakeout. What?

Ray: Uh, it's just that I never met your dad. He's been dead going on two years.

Ray: Anything happen?

Fraser: In what sense? (Gift of the Wheelman)

Fraser: Oh.

Ray: Come one. You need a change of scenery.

Cliffie: Wanda. Wanda.

Wanda: What?

Cliffie: Let me talk to you for a second. Please. Wanda. Please, please, please.

Wanda: What?

Cliffie: I'm sorry. Just listen okay> I know I don't deserve it but just listen to me for one second okay? Look, I'm sorry okay? I know I've been a real jerk. I apologies. I love you. You know what I did today? I bought the tickets.

Wanda: What tickets?

Cliffie: To Nassau. One was tickets to Nassau, Wanda. The whole new life like we always kept talking about. Remember? I got em sitting there in the safe in the office. I was gonna call you today and tell you to pack. I mean this is ridiculous.

Wanda: Don't do this Cliff.

Cliffie: Like I'm telling you. Fifteen million eight hundred, thirty-nine thousand seven hundred and twenty-three dollars and twenty-five cents.

Wanda: What's that?

Cliffie: That's all the money I had stashed in that secret account. I've been doing a little bit of creative accounting. Wanda: Oh. Cliffie: Wanda. I know it doesn't seem like it but I love you more than anybody else. I'm sorry I been acting like this but listen, we could start a brand new life with that kinda cash. Just you and me. If I've been lying to you Wanda, may God strike me dead. Wanda: Uh Uh Clifford. God's gonna have to stand in line. Wanda: Now you be a good boy and give me that account number. Cliffie: No. Wanda: Let's take him to the sauna girls. Cliffie: Come on Sheila, come on. Hey come on guys that's not...come on what are you guys doing. This is insane. Cliffie: Darlene. Darlene, let me out of here.

Darlene: It's hot in here.

Cliffie: It's too hot. I can't stand this. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I swear to God, I'm gonna die.

Darlene: You must be dying of thirst.

Cliffie: Just a little bit of water, okay.

Darlene: Sure Cliffie. You just give us your account number and you can take a long cool drink.

Cliffie: The account number? I can't remember it. Okay? It's in the office. I gotta go back to the office.

Darlene: Oh well.

Cliffie: What are you doing? I'm gonna die in here. For God's sake I'm gonna die. Darlene. All we've been through - huh

Darlene: Call me when you remember.

Cliffie: Wait, wait, wait Darlene wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Fraser: This is my desk? Oh boy I must make a lot of mistakes.

Thatcher: You really don't know who I am.

Fraser: No.

Thatcher: Inspector Meg Thatcher. I'm your commanding officer.

Fraser: It's nice to meet you.

Ray: Meg - uh - ma'am. Maybe you can remind him of something that you two shared. A case, some special training. You know, Mountie stuff.

Thatcher: Eggs.

Fraser: Eggs.

Ray: No please not the eggs.

Thatcher: Eggs.

Fraser: Can you throw?

Thatcher: 1.3 ER over 30 games

Fraser: That's good. Hit the red button.

Bad Guy: What's going on?

Chicken Man: Way to go Mounties! Not so fast pal unless you want to play chicken.

Fraser: Ray!

Ray: Evening Benny. Inspector.

Fraser: Ah it's -- it's very good of you to come. May I?

Ray: Ah, no problem. (We are the Eggmen)

Fraser: Eggs.

Ray: Anything else? Excuse me.

Thatcher: Fraser you don't remember anything about...

Fraser: About?

Thatcher: You know.

Fraser: I do?

Thatcher: You must.

Fraser: I give up. What is the perfume you're wearing?

Thatcher: I'm not wearing anything Fraser, I hate perfume.

Fraser: Ah. (Queen's Horses)

Fraser: I don't.

Ray: Of course. Right. Carry on gentlemen. Keep me apprised.

Fraser: Ray, this woman, are she and I .... Rrrrrr?

Ray: She hates you.

Fraser: Ah, that's too bad. Are you sure that the inspector and I never....

Ray: Absolutely sure. You just gave me a great idea.

Ray: Well? If this doesn't do it, nothing will. Do you remember her?

Fraser: Her?

Ray: No no not her. Victoria. This is where you saw her.

Victoria: Hi.

Fraser: Hi.

Victoria: It was you. I thought I saw you standing in the middle of the road. I wasn't sure if I was seeing... (VS)

Fraser: No that that was me. I was uh standing in the middle of the street.

Ray: I never thought I'd see you again.

Fraser: Neither did I. Where were you uh

Ray: Prison.

Fraser: Going. Where were you going?

Ray: Oh - I - it doesn't matter.

Fraser: Do you still want this to go?

Ray: No. (VS)

Ray: Hey Benny? You okay?

Fraser: Morning Ray.

Ray: The Consulate said you never showed up. I figured you'd have to be pretty sick. Are you all right?

Fraser: Yeah, I'm fine.

Ray: So you're okay.

Fraser: No. I'm fine.

Ray: But you didn't go to work.

Fraser: Musta slept in.

Ray: Are you in some kinda trouble?

Fraser: No. no no no. No, I just I uh have a friend visiting and I I'm

Ray: Oh. What kind of friend. A guy friend? A girl friend?

Fraser: No.

Ray: You got a woman in there?

Fraser: Yes.

Ray: Way to go man. Way to go. You gotta an actual woman. You.

Fraser: Thanks for dropping by Ray.

Ray: Way to go. Gotta woman in there. (VS)

Victoria: Fraser! Come with me.

Fraser: She's got a gun! (VS)

Fraser: You shot me?

Ray: Well I didn't mean to.

Fraser: Are you definitely sure that we're friends?

Ray: Yes, we're friend. I've done more for you than anyone.

Ray: Heeeeeellllllp!

Fraser: It would appear to be a sound proof room.

Ray: You got a better plan.

Fraser: Yes. Relax.

Ray: That's a plan?

Fraser: The more you struggle Ray, the tighter it becomes. All you have to do is relax completely. Dislocate your shoulder and pull your arm out of the sleeve.

Ray: Yeah or you come up the......

Fraser: Well yeah, that would work too. (Hawk and Handsaw.)

Fraser: Bolted shut.

Fraser: Archemedes said, 'Give me a fulcrum and a lever long enough and I can move the world.'

Ray: Why do I always have to be the fulcrum? (Hawk and Handsaw)

Fraser: You know something, it's probably better that there are some things I don't remember.

Ray: Yeah, you're probably right.

Fraser: Ray.

Ray: What.

Fraser: You keep saying that we're friends.

Ray: what are you asking me.

Fraser: why are we friends.

Ray: You know.

Fraser: No. That's just it. I don't. From everything you've told me I'm I'm

Ray: Annoying.

Fraser: Yes. Exactly.

Fraser: So you see, the problem is, now that I have the bonds in my hands, I'm honor bound not to give them to you.

Ray: Give her the bonds, Fraser.

Fraser: I can't do that Ray.

Morgan: You got three seconds and I shoot him! One.

Fraser: I'm sorry Ray.

Ray: What do you mean sorry?

Morgan: Two.

Ray; Give her the damn bonds.

Fraser: Can't do it. I'm walking out of here with them.

Morgan: That's it. He's dead.

Fraser: Sorry to hear that.

Ray: Fraser!

Morgan: Three!

Fraser: She shot my hat, Ray.

Ray: She shot you in the hat?

Fraser: I can feel air coming in through the hole.

Ray: She shot you in the hat, all right.

Fraser: How does it look?

Ray: Doesn't look good.

Fraser: We'll have to go home and get my other one.

Ray: We can do that, Fraser.

Fraser: Thanks, Ray. (Free Willie)

Ray: Oh it's...you know guys aren't any good at talking about this.

Fraser: Oh they aren't?

Ray: No.

Fraser: No. No. Right. Yeah.

Tammy: You're tempting the wrong person Billy Bob.

Ray: Dead?

Tammy: [stunned] I hate men.

Fraser: No. Just disappointed.

Ray: What is wrong with you?

Fraser: Pardon me?

Ray: What the hell is wrong with you. She almost killed you in there. Didn't you think she'd flatten you here?

Fraser: Oh I knew she was prepared to kill me.

Ray: Well then why did you stand there?

Fraser: Well I heard you coming. I had to keep her attention fixed on me long enough so you would intervene.

Ray: But what if I didn't.

Fraser: Well I knew you would take the car parked next to hers and the Plymoth excells two seconds faster over the quarter mile than the Cadillac.

Ray: I took the Chevy.

Fraser: Oh. Oh well. You know you really should tell me next time.

Ray: Tell you what?

Fraser: I mean if you're going to change a plan like that. I was standing in front of a car, Ray.

Ray: Plan? Plan? What plan? You mean to tell me there were two cars to choose from alright you're telling me I took the wrong car.

Fraser: No apologies necessary. It's already forgotten.

Ray: I mean, it's just one of those special cases where alone we're incomplete but together we're better than we are separately, you know what I mean?

Ray: One.

Fraser: Ahhhhh!

Ray: Ok, stop the car fun guy. Stop the car.

Ian: I can't. I can't my legs all cramped up.

Ray: Stop the car you side suckin _____

Ian: You better undo these things.

Ray: You can go to hell.

Ray: Fraser.

Ian: Ow ow my leg. (TMWKTL)

Fraser: Yes, yes I do. It's like that time we were hanging onto that van by our fingernails and I was trying to open the door

Fraser: ...I don't remember that.

Ray: Sure you do, sure you do.

Fraser: I leaned down to try and read the license plate and I ah ...Fell off.

Ray: Yes. Hey, you remember it! What was the license plate number?

Fraser: It was partially obscured by mud, in fact the whole general deterioration ....

Ray: Hey! What was the license plate number?

Fraser: Oh, the license plate number -- RCW 139.

Ray: RCW 139 -- are you sure?

Fraser: Yes, of course I'm sure.

Ray: Oh Benny, I could just kiss you!

Fraser: I thought we were just friends Ray.

Ray: Oh, we are. Elaine!

Cliffie: I give. Just open up ok?

Wanda: Did you hear something?

Sheila: I don't think so.

Wanda: I'll go check.

Cliffie: Hello?

Wanda: Hmmm. I think he's done.

Cliffie: 213 859 31

Wanda: Perfect.

Wanda: Well, Clifford darling, I'm afraid this here is where we part company.

Clifford: Oh my god. Come on Sheila you're not serious. Come on. Sheila ya can't really kill me.

Sheila: Why shouldn't I? You're a cheater Clifford. A cheater and a crook.

Clifford: Look Sheila. Come on we had good times.

Ray: Alright ladies, drop the gun.

Clifford: Thank God.

Ray: Drop the gu. Alright now, we're going down town and we're gonna get to the bottom of this you understand?

Wanda: Absolutely officer. We'd be happy to cooperate. We'll tell you everything and about Nasau.

Ray: Nassau? What about Nassau?

Clifford: Uh, listen uh. This was just a surprise.

Fraser: A surprise.

Clifford: Yeah uh for my birthday. Uh, this is my wife Sheila and these are her friends and they came down to the store and they wanted to surprise me. They go me and uh...

Fraser: And they tied you up.

Clifford: For my birthday. What a surprise. Whoopee.

Ray: Is this your story too?

Sheila: Absolutely. Go ahead and fire the gun.

Fraser: Hmmm. You know Ray, I think there's more to this than meets the eye. The bonds on Mr. Clifford's hands are tied for security not as if they'd been playing a game. Although, you know, it does remind me of an Inuit ceremony I once witnessed in which the bridegroom was tied to the bride by means of a walrus pelt...

Ray: You know Benny, I'm really glad you're back but would you mind shutting up?

Fraser: No. Not at all.

Ray: alright everybody, hands over your heads. You too Cliffie.

Fraser: Right.

Cliffie: Just let me get some pants alright. Just let me get some pants on.

Fraser: Great Scott Ray, look at my uniform!

Ray: I was wondering when you'd notice that.

Ray: So listen Fraser.

Fraser: yes?

Ray: When you were not back, there was some words said.

Fraser: I remember very little.

Ray: Alright. Good. So you wanna tell me about that Eskimo - walrus pelt thing?

Fraser: It's Inuit actually. The tribe I was speaking of they believe that two people who've been bound together will be more effective.

Ray: Fraser.

Fraser: I should stop talking?

Ray: Yes.

Ray to camera . . . he and Benny are sitting in the back seat of a car: We liked it.