[Scene is a shopping mall -- in a central courtyard is a structure built of large stones, an Inukshuk]

Kowalski: Nice pile of stones.

Fraser: Oh, it's not just stones, Ray. An Inukshuk embodies the human spirit. Ah, you think of it as a message center. It can tell you about the depth of the snow. Or the directions to the mainland. Or where the best seals are.

Dief: Woof woof.

Kowalski: Great. If I ever need a seal, I'll know where to come. And all my friends have been asking, "Ray, where do you get all those seals?"

Fraser: What are you saying?

Kowalski: In my opinion, if you give another country a gift, you give them something practical, like when we gave you those assault rifles.

Welsh: Hey, nice pile of rocks.

Fraser: Oh, it's not just rocks, Lieutenant. An Inukshuk embodies

Thatcher: [interrupting] Fraser. Everything seems to be in order, which means we have about uh ten minutes until the official dedication.

Welsh: All right. I'm going to check out my podium.

Kowalski: I'm going to go pick up some green food thing.

Thatcher: I'm going to go get a cup of coffee.

[Dief is sniffing around the Inukshuk and whining.]

Fraser: Dief.

[Focus on a trio sitting at a courtyard table. They are an older man (Mike Bennet), a younger man (Keith Warren) and a young woman (Judy Cates)]

Warren: What's such a big deal?

Cates: He doesn't want to work for you anymore.

Warren: I'm just getting into some other work. That's all.

Bennet: This doesn't happen to me!

Warren: I'm in love with her.

Bennet: Love. Love, love.

Warren: This is crap. Will you leave us alone? We've got nothing ore to say.

Bennet: I don't give a damn what you have to say. You got that?

Warren: No.

Bennet: You don't hear a goddamn word I have to say.

Warren: What the hell's with you, man?

[purse snatcher grabs a woman's bag in front of the Inukshuk]

Woman: Stop him, someone. Stop him.

Bennet: No.

Cates: Stop it. Mike!

[There is a struggle and the older man falls to the ground with a knife in his abdomen.]

Kowalski: Police officer!

[Meanwhile Fraser chases and catches the purse snatcher]

Purse-Snatcher: Hey, what are you doing?

Fraser: Is that your purse?

Purse-Snatcher: Yeah, absolutely. I use it to carry stuff. Look, you put stuff in your pockets, you get unsightly bulges in your pants, right? Oh, maybe you don't know about that. All right. I'll come quietly.

Children in nearby play center: Yay!

[Back by the Inukshuk]

Welsh: All right, everybody back up, please. Show's over. Show's over. We've got an ambulance coming.

Thatcher: There's not much I can do for him.

Kowalski: Try mouth to mouth.

Thatcher: I wasn't insinuating my skills were inadequate, Detective. The man simply happens to be dead.

Kowalski: Hey. Who's that?

Fraser: A purse-snatcher. Who's this?

Kowalski: Dead guy. [points to Warren] He did it.

Thatcher: [points to Cates] She did it.

Welsh: They both did it.

[At the 27th precinct]

Welsh: Neither of the suspects have any ID, and they haven't given us their names yet. I've got Jack and Dewey questioning them and we're running their prints.

Thatcher: Are they talking?

Welsh: Not yet.

Kowalski: That figures. The victim's name was Mike Bennet. Probably connected.

Welsh: A mob thing.

Kowalski: Hasn't been nailed with anything, but the guys in organized crime are checking with the Feds.

Thatcher: What about the witnesses?

Kowalski: Other than the six people who swear the Mountie did it, nobody saw anything.

Welsh: Oh, that's great. Two hundred people stand next to a guy who lets stabbed, and nobody sees a damn thing.

Fraser: Well, that's not entirely true, Leftenant. At least three people did. You're all trained observers.

Welsh: Well, we'll soon see. Let's get our statements down. [looks around empty squad room] What is this? Nobody works around here?

Kowalski: They're all at the mall questioning blind people.

Welsh: Fraser, how about you take down our three statements.

Thatcher: I'm not sure he can do that in any official capacity.

Welsh: He can take notes, can't he?

Fraser: Ah, well, yes sir. In two official languages, three forms of shorthand, Cantonese, Inuktitut, . . .

Welsh: How about English?

Fraser: Well, yes, of course.

Welsh: Great. You're deputized.

[in interrogation room with Cates]

Dewey: You know you're not doing yourself any good here. The least you could do is tell me your name.

Cates: I want to phone a lawyer.

Dewey: A lawyer's no good. You want to help yourself, you talk to me. I'm the only guy that can do you any good.

Cates: I have the right to remain

[interrogation room with Warren]

Warren: Silent.

Huey: Yeah, but if you're innocent, you'd be a lot smarter to tell me what happened.

Warren: Just get me a lawyer.

Huey: You're making a big mistake.

Warren: I got the right to remain silent, and I'm using it.

[Fraser takes down statements. The scene cuts back and forth between the precinct and the mall scene, depicting the content of the statements]

Thatcher: I know what I saw, Constable Fraser.

Fraser: Yes, sir.

Thatcher: The three of them were at the table. They were having an argument.

Warren: She wants out of it, you understand?

Thatcher: The older man was rather nasty and aggressive.

Bennet: This for real?

Thatcher: The young couple tried to get away, the older man pursued them, there was a scuffle, and the woman stabbed the older man.

Fraser: You're absolutely sure?

[now it's Kowalski's statement]

Kowalski: Absolutely, positively sure. I know what I saw. The young guy did it. The three of them were sitting at this table, and they were fighting over the girl.

Bennet: This hurts like hell.

Warren: Don't you get it? She's in love with me.

Kowalski: And then the young guy stuck a knife in the old guy.

Fraser: And you saw this?

[now it's Welsh's statement]

Welsh: Look, Fraser, I know what I saw. This guy Benton is a hard guy. What we have here is a mob thing. Two scumbags set up a third. The three of them were sitting at a table. They were trying to get out of some deal.

Warren: It's over.

Bennet: This for real?

Cates: You don't get to decide anymore, Mike.

Welsh: She sets the old guy up so the young guy can get a good shot at him. Well, do our statements agree?

Fraser: Well, there are certain areas of congruence, some of them significant. But on balance, not even remotely.

[The three and Fraser go into Welsh's office.]

Welsh: Delbert, scram. All right, what do you got?

Kowalski: Uh, forensics found the murder weapon.

Welsh: And?

Kowalski: It's the murder weapon.

Welsh: Very impressive. Constable, will you get the door, please?

How about prints?

Kowalski: They're unusable.

Welsh: All right, we've got a problem, here, and we've got to solve this problem right now. The only evidence we have are our statements and those statements do not match. Now we don't get together on this, and two killers walk.

Kowalski & Thatcher: [in unison] One killer.

Welsh: Constable, will you help me on this?

Fraser: Yes, sir. [clears throat] To summarize, Ray believes that the young man was the killer, Inspector Thatcher believes the young woman was the killer, and you, Leftenant, believe that they both conspired to do the killing together.

Welsh: All right, so we'll go with my version. That way we don't risk anybody getting away.

Fraser: But we do however risk incarcerating an innocent person.

Welsh: Well, that's the court system, Fraser. We arrest them, the judges sort them out.

Kowalski: But she had nothing to do with it, Lieutenant. I mean, she was probably the cause of it --

Thatcher: Oh! [laughs] I see. Just because she's a woman, she can't be the killer, she can only be the motive.

Kowalski: Oh, it's good to be the motive, very good to be the motive.

Thatcher: She's not the motive, she's the killer.

Kowalski: She's not the killer.

Thatcher: She's the killer.

Kowalski: She's not the killer.

Thatcher: She's the killer.

Kowalski: She's not the killer.

Thatcher: She's the killer.

Welsh: Enough! We've got to start right back at the beginning here. Francesca!

Frannie: Right here.

Welsh: Oh. [Frannie runs into him with the map stand] Oof.

Frannie: Oh, sorry, sorry. Hi, Fraser.

Fraser: Francesca.

Welsh: All right, lay it out.

Frannie: You know, Lieutenant Welsh, my cousin Jenny works in an office where they have a cappuccino machine.

Welsh: A cappuccino machine.

Frannie: Mm-hmm. Well, you see the reason I mention this at all is because our coffee is a um revolting sludge that could probably kill an ox at a hundred paces. And I just really think that a cappuccino machine would boost the morale of the entire station. What do you think?

Welsh: I think this is a police station. It is not a social club.

Frannie: It would probably improve your temper, too.

Welsh: Get a longer shirt.

Frannie: Bye, Frase

Fraser: Francesca.

Welsh: All right, people. Where did we first notice them?

Thatcher: They're at the table, and they're having an argument.

Welsh: Right. Which puts them right there. And we can assume, since they're having an argument, that they know each other.

Kowalski: Of course they know each other. It's uh it's Bennet's wife or girlfriend.

Welsh: How would you know that?

Kowalski: Body language.

Welsh: Body language. Can we confine ourselves to facts, Detective?

Kowalski: Body language happens to be a fact that I am particularly sensitive to.

Welsh: All right. We've established that they know each other, and they were arguing. We also agree upon the fact that they were seated at this table, and the young couple gets up and walks this way. What else?

Fraser: Then there was the purse-snatching, which occurred right here, in front of the Inukshuk. I then launched off in pursuit of the suspected felon.

Welsh: Right. Which removes Fraser from then on. What else? [notices Ray has closed his eyes] We boring you, Detective?

Kowalski: No, I just see it better this way.

Thatcher: Probably the way you saw it in the first place.

Welsh: What exactly do you see?

Kowalski: Well, mostly everybody's watching Fraser, but these guys over here are getting pretty loud. So I think there's going to be a fight. So I look over there.

[scene shifts to the mall, depicting Ray's visualization]

Bennet: Nobody walks out on me. Nobody!

Kowalski: And sure enough, Bennet grabs the young guy. He's trying to be threatening, but he's kind of pathetic, really.

[back in Welsh's office]

Thatcher: He's not pathetic. He's brutal. He did the grabbing, you admit that.

Kowalski: I admit that he did the grabbing, but the way that he did it was pathetic.

Fraser: And you got this from the body language, Ray?

Kowalski: Exactly.

Welsh: All right. Can we all at least agree on the fact that it was the old guy who grabbed the young guy?

Fraser: And you saw this, Lieutenant?

Welsh: Sure. I mean, except for the body-language part. I mean this guy Bennet has to be a tough guy. Why would these two people come in and whack him?

Thatcher: These two people didn't whack him. The woman did it.

Kowalski: It was the young guy.

Welsh: It was both of them.

Thatcher: It was the woman.

Kowalski: It was the young guy.

Welsh: Both of them.

Thatcher: It was the woman.

Welsh: Both of them.

[all speaking at once]

Frannie: [over the din] Excuse me. Hi, Fraser.

Fraser: Francesca.

Frannie: State's attorney Kowalski's here.

Stella: The Bennet stabbing. What do you expect me to do with this mess?

Kowalski: Hi, Stella.

Stella: Back off, Ray.

Welsh: Well for a start, how about uh we press charges against the killers.

Stella: By killers you mean the two suspects you seem incapable of identifying?

Frannie: We're not incapable. We got the guy suspect. We got his ID off his fingerprints right here.

Welsh: You, uh, you just forgot to tell me?

Frannie: No, I assumed you were busy.

Welsh: Yeah, I was busy. I was busy on this case. And when I'm busy on a case, I like to know about these little details that come up. They're very interesting to me.

Frannie: You know, you don't have to bite my head off. And if you had access to better coffee, you probably wouldn't want to.

Kowalski: What is the name, Frannie?

Frannie: It's on the pop sheet there.

Kowalski: You mean rap sheet.

Frannie: Okay, rap. Pop, country, classical, ska.

Welsh: Keith Warren, a.k. Keith Earl, a.k. Warren Earl. B and E, car theft. It's mostly juvenile stuff.

Stella: Do you have any other evidence I should know about?

Kowalski: What, other than the fact that they were standing right beside him when he keeled over with a knife in his guts?

Stella: Cut the sarcasm, Ray.

Kowalski: Okay.

Stella: So the three of you were there, and you didn't see anything.

Fraser: Actually, ma'am, we have three very clear statements.

Welsh: Right, we're- and we're still working through the evidence.

Thatcher: Yes, the uh evidence.

Fraser: Which we're working through.

Thatcher: Yes.

Stella: That's it?

Fraser: Pretty much.

Thatcher, Kowalski & Welsh: Pretty much.

Welsh: That's about it.

Stella: Let's just see if I've got the full picture here. You've got two mute suspects, a hundred witnesses, none of whom can identify them, no motive, and the three of you apparently were in different time zones when the crime occurred. It's amazing you can keep your jobs. These suspects will lawyer up soon. Then you'll get hit with a police harassment suit. So if you don't come up with something solid, I can't back you. You've got an hour and a half, and I cut them loose.

Welsh: What does that body language tell you?

Kowalski: We're sinking.

Thatcher: We're sunk.

[In Welsh's office]

Welsh: Do you ever knock? It's simple. You make a fist and you hit the door.

Frannie: Excuse me. If you don't want the FBI file . . .

Welsh: Hold it.

Frannie: Trade. File -- cappuccino machine.

Welsh: Look, cops are supposed to drink bad coffee. We're programmed to drink bad coffee. This place would fall apart without bad coffee.

Frannie: You don't know what you're missing. Hi, Fraser.

Fraser: Francesca.

Welsh: All right. Give me the folder. This guy Bennet was into everything. Prostitution, numbers, extortion, gambling. Mm-hmm. This guy right here. Louie "Three Lips" Righetti. He's Bennet's brother-in-law. He's got a record as long as your arm. Johnny "The Worm" Maigot. He's second in command. Feds believe he takes care of the whole drug side of the operation.

Kowalski: Okay, so he's got a suspect source of income, and he knows a bunch of guys with stupid nicknames. So what?

Welsh: So these creeps that we've got here, they were part of the operation. They figure Bennet's getting a little slow, so they whack him.

Thatcher: Just because he's a career criminal doesn't mean that's why they murdered him.

Welsh: Occupational homicide. It happens every day.

Kowalski: At the post office, maybe. You really think that this was a hit?

Welsh: Why not?

Kowalski: Well, 'cause it's brainless. Two guys sit down. "Hey, let's stab a guy in broad daylight with a hundred witnesses."

Welsh: Maybe they're so smart, they do something stupid. Anybody ever think of that?

Fraser: Could you elucidate, sir?

Welsh: No, no, not since the late sixties.

Kowalski: That's- that's uh Canadian for "explain."

Welsh: Oh, all right. These guys want to whack somebody. They think we're smart, and they think we're on to all the smart ways to do it. So they do it dumb, right? Now, we think they can't possibly be that dumb, so we're dumb, and we let them go. But if we're smart, we realize they did it stupid because they're so smart, and we put them away. Very simple.

Fraser: I see. The double bluff. Or is that a triple bluff?

Welsh: Well, it doesn't matter. The point is

Thatcher: The point is, she's still standing in the shopping mall with a bloody dagger in her hand.

Kowalski: Did you actually see the knife in her hand?

Thatcher: Well, no, but I was a little distracted. Constable Fraser was running after the shoplifter. You know, the uniform, the motion, the legs, driving like pistons, pumping like steel . . . [everyone stares at her] Something red going fast always draws the eye.

Frannie: I know exactly what you mean.

Thatcher: I doubt it. Nevertheless, this was obviously not a crime of logic. It was a crime of passion.

Frannie: Oh, like in Sword of Desire. It's this great book I'm reading about this guy who has this huge--

Kowalski: Frannie! Never mind.

Frannie: Problem, because he's dating this woman who he's in love with, but she's not really in love with him.

Thatcher: That's not it at all. She's involved with the older man. Perhaps even married to him. Maybe loves him. But let's say he's cold and unfeeling. He treats her badly, probably abuses her.

Kowalski: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you basing this on?

Thatcher: From what I heard and what I saw.

Kowalski: "What I heard and what I saw." Who are you, Sherlock Holmes?

Thatcher: You're a laugh-riot, Detective. But if you had looked, you would have seen that she wore Cartier earrings mounted in rose gold and uncultured black pearls. Exactly the kind of gift an older man might give to buy affection and excuse his guilty conscience.

Kowalski: Wow. That is one talkative necklace. But did you look at the hand? Because if you did, you would have seen she was wearing the young guy's school ring. Which means she was going out with the creep.

Welsh: They're all creeps. She could have stole the jewelry from her grandmother, she could have lifted the ring from her brother.

Thatcher: She and the young man were friends.

Kowalski: Lovers.

Thatcher: Friends.

Kowalski: Lovers.

Thatcher: It is possible for a man and a woman to develop a personal, platonic relationship based on friendship, a shared sense of values, and mutual respect.

Kowalski: Yeah, on Mars, maybe.

Fraser: Oh, no, here on Earth as well, Ray. I think it happens all the time.

Frannie: Doesn't sound like much fun to me.

Thatcher: She met the young man.

Kowalski: How'd she meet him?

Thatcher: It doesn't matter how she met him. Maybe he was her delivery boy. Maybe he was her plumber. Maybe he was --

Frannie: Her pool boy. Yes. Like in The Sword of Desire. Well, okay, the guy in The Sword of Desire wasn't really the pool boy. He was actually --

Kowalski: An English lord.

Frannie: An English lord.

Thatcher: All right! He's her pool boy. He meets her. He sees her with the older man. But he knows how terrible he is for her. He also knows she could never face him alone. So --

[scene shifts to Thatcher's imagination]

Warren: She wants out of it, you understand? It's over.

Bennet: This for real?

Thatcher: He looked at the young man first. Then he pulled his hand away from the young woman. No, no, no, that's wrong. He yanked it away harshly. It was like he was blaming pool boy for coming between the two of them. Harshly!

Bennet: It's him, isn't it? You couldn't do any better than a pool boy? This doesn't happen to me.

Cates: You don't get to decide anymore, Mike.

Warren: She doesn't love you.

Thatcher: He grabbed her hand hard, hurting her. She could feel his brutality!

Bennet: I'm taking you home.

Thatcher: Pool boy couldn't stand to see it. He gripped Mike hard and yanked her away.

Warren: We're leaving now, Mike.

[Welsh's office]

Kowalski: This is stupid.

Frannie: Oh, quiet, Ray.

Kowalski: I mean, why's he doing all this if nothing's going on?

Frannie: Because he's giving of himself.

Kowalski: He's a maroon.

Welsh: Pool boy?

[Thatcher's mind]

Thatcher: [now playing the part of Cates in her imagination] Please, Mike.

Bennet: She's my property. Nobody takes nothing away from me.

Warren: Come on, let's get out of here

Bennet: Can't you hear anything I say?

Warren: The hell with you.

Bennet: Kill you!

Thatcher: No! [Stabs Bennet]

Background voices: Oh, oh.

Thatcher: [turning in her imagination to look at Warren, who has turned into Fraser] I could never let him hurt you. Never. Not after . . .

Fraser: Sir? Sir?

[back in Welsh's office, Thatcher is looking up at Fraser, her hand stroking his cheek]

Frannie: Not after what?

Fraser: I think Inspector Thatcher is referring to an incident on a train.

Thatcher: Fraser.

Fraser: Understood.

Thatcher: What I'm trying to say is that it is possible to feel so strongly for another person that you would do anything to protect them. Even kill for them.

Frannie: Yes. She killed to protect pool boy, because he was protecting her. Oh, man. This is even more beautiful than Sword of Desire.

Dewey: [opens door to announce] They've lawyered up.

[interrogation room]

Lawyer: You've kept my client here for hours without any charges. She would like to leave. And unless you have a damn good reason why she shouldn't, we're out of here.

Welsh: Your client has yet to identify herself to us, Ms. Madison.

Lawyer: Judy Cates. A second year student at the University of Chicago. Her parents are on their way in from California. Her father is a Senior VP at Metrochem. Her mother is a federal magistrate in California. No doubt they will demand that their daughter receive full protection under the law, not the kind of kangaroo court procedure you seem to practice here.

Fraser: Are you suggesting that money and privilege can buy justice?

Lawyer: Are you from another country?

Fraser: Ah, yes I am, ma'am. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father, and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I have remained, attached as liaison officer with the Canadian Consulate.

Lawyer: You've got a punk kid in the next room with a long sheet. Do yourself a favor. Go pick on him.

Fraser: Miss Madison, are we to assume, then, that Miss Cates was not involved in an abusive relationship with Mr. Bennet, and that she did not kill Mr. Bennet in an effort to protect the younger man, sometimes referred to as pool boy, otherwise known as Keith Warren?

Lawyer: Are you from another planet?

Fraser: No, ma'am, Planet Earth.

Kowalski: Let's go talk to the kid.

Cates: You're right.

Welsh: What did you say?

Lawyer: She didn't say anything. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Welsh: No, no, no. I heard something.

Cates: I did it. I killed him.

[interrogation room]

Cates: It was like he said. He grabbed Keith, I took out the knife, and I just stabbed him.

Lawyer: I'd advise you not to say another word, Judy.

Cates: It doesn't matter.

Lawyer: I can't represent you if you will not take my advice.

Cates: Then don't represent me. That doesn't matter either.

Lawyer: Fine. If that's your decision.

Fraser: Miss Cates, I think it's a good idea you got yourself another lawyer.

Cates: Why? I killed him. I wasn't thinking. I was scared.

Kowalski: Mike was your boyfriend, right?

Cates: I was slumming.

Welsh: And what about Keith?

Cates: He's just a guy Mike knows. He was helping me out.

Fraser: May I ask you, uh, where did you carry the knife?

Cates: In my pocket.

Fraser: In the pocket of your jeans?

Cates: [nods]

Fraser: Would you mind demonstrating using this pen?

Cates: I don't understand.

Fraser: Oh, well, just put this where you had the knife.

Cates: [does so]

Fraser: Good. Now, could you pull it out as you did when you stabbed Mike?

Cates: [pulls on pen, but it catches on her pocket and she has to pull again to get it free]

Fraser: Thank you kindly.

Kowalski: May I ask where you got your jewelry?

Cates: It was a gift from my parents. Why?

Kowalski: I like jewelry.

Welsh: All right, have a seat. And let's start all over again at the beginning.

[corridor]

Kowalski: [claps hands] I love you, Fraser.

Fraser: And I you, Ray.

Kowalski: No, not literally, I mean, symbolically or something.

Fraser: No, I know. Thank you.

Kowalski: I knew that Thatcher's story was a crock. But that bit with the jeans? Wow, that cinched it. I mean, she couldn't get that knife out of her jeans with a can opener.

Fraser: No, she did seem to have a lot of difficulty with it. Although it's not unusual for people to perform amazing physical feats when they're under emotional stress. As a matter of fact, it reminds me of a fur trapper that --

Kowalski: Hey, are you going to tell me a long story about this

trapper, Eskimo Joe, and how he could throw a grizzly bear over his head with one hand?

Fraser: Well that sounds highly improbable, Ray. No, no, the story that I'm thinking of involves an elephant seal and a man named Tim. He didn't so much as throw it, as --

Kowalski: Save the seals.

Fraser: Understood.

[second interrogation room]

Defender: What, reinforcements?

Huey: Kid's not saying anything.

Defender: Yeah, so let's get him into a cell or something. I can't wait around here all day while you guys decide what to do.

Kowalski: You are?

Defender: Penny Morton, public defender's office. You going to charge him or what?

Kowalski: Going to cut him loose. Girlfriend just confessed to the whole thing.

Warren: She did?

Fraser: Yes.

Defender: You're kidding. You mean he didn't do it?

Fraser: You seem surprised.

Defender: Surprised? I'm buffaloed. I see twenty people a day. They always did it. You really innocent?

Warren: Wait a second, this is some cop trick, right?

Welsh: It appears you get to walk, huh?

Warren: There's no way she confessed.

Kowalski: Cross my heart.

Fraser: It's true.

Huey: Hey, if Fraser says it, it's true. Mounties can't lie.

Kowalski: Cut him loose, Huey. So long, kid.

Warren: You guys are so stupid.

Welsh: Oh, yeah?

Warren: 'Cause I did it. I killed Bennet.

Kowalski: I knew it.

Defender: So did I.

[corridor and cantina]

Welsh: Kid said he worked for Bennet. Said he killed him over some financial disagreement.

Fraser: He also claims Miss Cates had nothing to do with it.

Kowalski: And she said he had nothing to do with it.

Thatcher: Which supports my version of the story.

Kowalski: Story, that's- that's a good word for it. She lives uh in a dormitory, gets her jewelry from her parents. Doesn't have a pool let alone a pool boy.

Thatcher: She gave a perfectly good confession.

Kowalski: So did my guy.

Fraser: The problem is, we now have two confessions.

Welsh: Of course. I've been saying it all along. They are covering for each other.

Kowalski: Well, they're in love. Naturally they're going to cover for each other, 'cause that's what passion does. So let's say she's married to the guy.

Welsh: Oh, married. She lives in a dormitory.

Kowalski: Okay, she's the girlfriend.

Thatcher: Exactly. He was mistreating her.

Kowalski: No, he was crazy about her. He loves her. She had this sweet breath that would start the windmills turning on one of those old Dutch paintings.

[Kowalski's imagination -- scene at the mall]

Kowalski: [As Mike] This hurts like hell. I gave you everything. This does not happen to me.

Cates: It's over, Mike. You don't get to decide anymore.

Warren: Don't you get it? She's in love with me. She's dumping you. Come on, let's get out of here.

Kowalski: Judy, please. Don't listen to him. He's not right for you.

Warren: Will you leave us alone? She doesn't want you anymore.

Kowalski: I want to hear that from her lips.

Cates: Mike, just let it go.

Kowalski: Is this about kids? Is that what this is about? 'Cause I can wait, and you can get your career set up, and we can have kids later. Lots of them.

[going into Welsh's office]

Welsh: What's this about kids?

Kowalski: It doesn't matter. They argue, the kid skewered the old guy, a love triangle, oldest motive in the world.

Welsh: No, no, no, hold on, hold on. How do kids fit into this?

Kowalski: I don't know. I- I- It might have been part of their problem.

Welsh: No, no, it think it's part of your problem

Kowalski: What problem?

Welsh: The problem that put your marriage in the dumpster.

Kowalski: What does that have to do with this?

Fraser: Uh, Ray, if I may, I think what the Lieutenant is suggesting, and this is by no means uncommon amongst police officers, you may be projecting some of your own life, some of your personality, into your deductions about the criminals.

Welsh: That's exactly what I'm suggesting. You two keep looking for things that aren't there, like passion and romance. Forget about it. They don't exist. This world is full of creeps, and there were three of them --

[Welsh's imagination of the mall scene]

Welsh: Standing right here. It's a real simple story. You got two scumbags taking down another just like this.

[Cates and Warren stab Bennet together]

[Welsh's office]

Kowalski: You're saying they both had their hands on the knife?

Welsh: Who cares? Look, you load a gun, you cock the trigger, you give the gun to Thatcher, she uses it on Fraser. I find out your hand was on the gun, you both go away.

Thatcher: I would never shoot a fellow officer.

Welsh: That's 'cause you never had Ray working under you. You'd change your tune.

Kowalski: What?

Welsh: Hey, I'd shoot you.

Frannie: [knocks on open door] Examiner's report on Bennet.

Fraser: Oh, may I?

Frannie: Any time.

Welsh: Let me guess. He was stabbed.

Fraser: According to this document, yes. Interesting.

Welsh: What?

Fraser: The knife hit him with great force. Cracked two of his ribs. Also, the angle of entry's very interesting.

Welsh: Oh, well, it's all very interesting. It still doesn't tell us whose hand was on the knife.

Fraser: Quite right, Lieutenant. You know, there is a technique that's often very effective in situations similar to this, where precise recall is required.

Welsh: What would that be?

Fraser: Well, you might think that I have a hole in my bag of marbles, or that my elevator stops at the collarbone, but it's called hypnosis.

Kowalski: Mumbo jumbo, voodoo, jujitsu, hocus-pocus.

Fraser: Oh, quite the contrary, Ray. It's a very effective technique. As a matter of fact, I've hypnotized myself on a number of occasions to aid in the recovery of information. Of course, one doesn't always remember what one told oneself in the hypnotic state, so a tape recorder is almost always necessary.

Welsh: So what you're trying to say is uh maybe one of us could remember seeing that knife.

Fraser: It is possible, yes.

Welsh: Well, let's give it a shot.

Fraser: Ah, well, good, sir, if you'd be so

Welsh: No, no, no. Use it on him. [points to Ray]

Fraser: Ah, all right. Ray?

Kowalski: Uh, n- no. I'd love to Fraser, but um I got bad eyes.

Frannie: Oh, okay, do it on me.

Fraser: Francesca, you weren't there.

Frannie: Oh. Well, does that matter?

Fraser: Oddly, yes.

Frannie: Oh.

Fraser: Inspector?

Thatcher: Anything to get me out of here.

Fraser: Now, Inspector, I want you to relax and follow the loony. Imagine you're watching a majestic herd of caribou thundering across the snowy wilderness. The wind whipping at your face. Long ago you lost all sensation in your feet. The icy fingers of hypothermia . . .

Thatcher: Fraser, that's not relaxing.

Fraser: It's not?

Thatcher: No.

Fraser: Oh.

Thatcher: Recite the administration manual.

Fraser: Ah. It is the duty of all members who are peace officers, subject to the orders of the commissioner, to perform those duties that are assigned to them as peace officers in relation to the preservation of peace, the prevention of crime and of offenses against the laws of Canada, and . . . Good. Now, Inspector, I want you to go back a few hours. You will find yourself in the mall.

Frannie: Oh, good. I love shopping.

Welsh & Kowalski [in unison]: Nice pile of rocks.

Fraser: Oh, dear. Ray, when you hear me say the word "cauliflower."

Kowalski: Cau-li-flah.

[Welsh's office]

Welsh: So you hypnotized all of us.

Fraser: Yes, and I apologize. It would appear that the administration manual is a powerfully effective tool. I'll have to remember it for next time.

Frannie: Fraser, um by any chance did I happen to uh reveal my innermost personal thoughts?

Fraser: No.

Kowalski: Did you get anything on me?

Fraser: Well, it would appear that you were abducted by aliens at the age of ten.

Thatcher: Yeah, but did you get anything important?

Fraser: Other than that, no.

Welsh: How about the uh, the knife?

Fraser: Unfortunately, none of you actually saw the knife in anyone's hand.

Kowalski: Great technique, Fraser.

Fraser: Well, I did discover that there was a fourth man seated at the table.

Kowalski: That's better. What did he look like?

Fraser: Unfortunately, Inspector Thatcher is the only one who saw him, and she didn't get a particularly clear look. There is, however another technique I think we could employ to find out who he was.

Welsh: Something like reverse psychological brainwashing?

Fraser: No, we'll just ask.

[interrogation room]

Thatcher: Who was the fourth man?

Welsh: Excuse me, this is still my case. Go ahead, answer her question.

Kowalski: He was sitting at the table with you, Mike, and pool boy.

Cates: That was just one of Mike's goons.

Welsh: Goons?

Cates: Yes. He always had a couple of those guys with him. Bodyguards.

Kowalski: Real effective ones, too.

Cates: Maybe they just got distracted by the purse-snatcher.

Dewey: You know your boyfriend confessed? Said you didn't have anything to do with it.

Cates: I had everything to do with it. It was all my idea. I just wanted to get him out of it.

Thatcher: Out of his criminal involvement with Mike.

Cates: Yes. Keith's a really great guy. He just never got a break. And then he got involved with Mike, and I just thought that we could

go and ask. But they just started fighting. It wasn't his fault.

Mike was crazy.

Kowalski: That's why Keith killed him?

Cates: [nods]

[corridor]

Kowalski: Okay, so I got the motive a little wrong.

Thatcher: A little?

Kowalski: Well, at least I got the killer right.

Fraser: Hmm.

Kowalski: Hmm. What does that mean, "Hmm"?

Fraser: Nothing.

Kowalski: Oh, no. That means something. You don't go saying "Hmm" for nothing. That's some sort of Canadian thing, isn't it?

Fraser: Hmm.

Kowalski: He knows something he's not saying, right?

Thatcher: Hmm.

Welsh: What does that mean?

Thatcher: Nothing.

Fraser: I think we should perhaps Keith's version of the story.

Kowalski: Perhaps. Hmm.

Welsh: Hmm.

[2nd interrogation room]

Warren: So that's it. We went together to tell Mike I quit, and Mike went crazy. I know it looks bad, but she was scared. She didn't mean to kill him.

Kowalski: Wait a minute. You're saying she killed him?

Warren: Yeah. Well, she told you the whole story. I guess there's nothing else I can do. You know I wouldn't kill him.

Welsh: You wouldn't kill him.

Warren: With his guy right there? What do you think I am, nuts?

Thatcher: Who was the bodyguard?

Warren: Look, I'm a small-timer. I know nothing.

Fraser: Hmm. [everyone looks at him] Sorry.

[squad room]

Welsh: Great. Great. Each one now says the other one did it.

Fraser: Well, we are making some progress. At least we know why they were there.

Welsh: Oh, that's a big help.

Kowalski: I think he's stonewalling on the other guy at the table.

He has to know a name.

Fraser: Well, very possibly, Ray, but he's obviously too frightened to talk.

Welsh: Great. So now we're at another dead end.

Fraser: Not necessarily. I think it's time that we question the purse-snatcher.

Thatcher: The purse-snatcher? Why him?

Fraser: Because I believe that the purse-snatcher was the distraction.

Kowalski: What distraction?

Fraser: Oh, uh, Francesca. I wonder, would you be so kind as to find

out what happened to the purse-snatcher I apprehended earlier today?

Frannie: Sure, you got it, Frayzh.

Welsh: What do you got, there?

Frannie: Nothing.

Kowalski: Well?

Fraser: Well, what?

Kowalski: Look, Fraser, you're making me nuts. You give me a hint here or I swear I'll clock you right

Fraser: Cauliflower.

Kowalski: [like a zombie] I'm sorry, Fraser, for being so abrupt. I hope you will accept my heartfelt apology.

Fraser: Certainly. Think nothing of it. [aside to Welsh and Thatcher] It won't last long. Post-hypnotic suggestion rarely does, but it's kind of enjoyable, isn't it? [snaps fingers]

Kowalski: All right. Cut the mumbo jumbo, answer the question.

Fraser: Certainly. Your scenarios were all more or less correct. The corollary or as you would put it, Lieutenant, the corollary, is that they were also all more or less wrong. Piecing together the fragments of the argument you all heard, I think we can safely assume that the scenario went something like this.

[mall scene, depicting Fraser's version of the story]

Bennet: This doesn't happen to me.

Cates: You don't have the right to decide what to do with his life.

Bennet: And you do.

Warren: I'm in love with her.

Bennet: Love? Crap. You love her all you want. You work for me.

Warren: Not any more.

Fraser: [voice over] You all missed the fourth man.

Bennet: This is crap.

Fraser: But that wasn't entirely accidental. He didn't want to be noticed.

Warren: Will you leave us alone. We've got nothing more to say.

Bennet: I don't give a damn what you got to say. You owe me, kid, and when you owe me, I own you. You got that?

Fraser: The fourth man left nothing to chance. The purse-snatching was part of his cover, designed to distract everyone's attention at the crucial moment.

Woman: Stop him, somebody stop him!

Cates: Mike, why can't you just leave him alone.

Warren: Forget about it. I'm not coming back.

Bennet: No! Can't you hear a damn thing I say?

Warren: The hell with you.

Cates: Stop it, Mike.

Fraser: The fourth man was hiding behind the Inukshuk.

[The fourth man throws a knife, and the Bennet falls to the ground]

[squad room]

Kowalski: Are you saying that he threw the knife across the mall?

Thatcher: That sounds a bit far-fetched.

Welsh: There's nobody who could throw a knife that accurately.

Fraser: Well, actually Lieutenant, one need only remember the five Ps: proper preparation prevents poor performance. [throws letter opener, which hits a picture on the bulletin board right between the eyes]

Kowalski: I bet you couldn't do that twice.

Fraser: I never gamble, Ray. [throws a second time, hitting the previous knife right on the handle]

Frannie: Hey, Frase? Your purse-snatcher just made bail. They let him out a couple minutes ago.

[in parking lot behind precinct]

Maigot: Hey, Dennis.

Purse-Snatcher: Johnny.

Maigot: Get in the car, I'll give you a ride.

Purse-Snatcher: Ah, no thanks, Johnny. You know, I think I'll walk. All right?

Maigot: Just get in the car.

Kowalski: [from distance] Johnny!

Maigot: [sees Ray and Fraser and starts shooting -- gunfight ensues]

Kowalski: I think he's got a gun. [putting on his glasses]

Fraser: Ray, have you considered contacts?

Kowalski: Too much fuss.

Welsh: Stop, police.

Kowalski: Have you considered a gun?

Fraser: Too many legalities.

Kowalski: Oh. Look Fraser, just once I would like to say, "Rack that bad boy and cover me."

Fraser: Ray!

[various gunfire]

Kowalski: Fraser!

Kowalski: [traps Maigot in courtyard behind building] Whoa. Drop it, you've got nowhere to go.

Maigot: [shoots at Ray]

Thatcher: Use your gun!

Welsh: I left it at the office.

Thatcher: Ray, use your gun!

Kowalski: Shut up!

[Fraser is walking into courtyard]

Thatcher: Fraser, get out of here!

Kowalski: Fraser! He'll put a cap in you, no.

Fraser: I don't think he will, Ray.

Maigot: You don't think I'll shoot?

Fraser: Oh, I think you'll shoot, but I think you'll discover you've spent all your ammunition.

Welsh: It's a standard, nine rounds.

Kowalski: I counted eight rounds

Thatcher: I heard seven.

Welsh: It was six.

Thatcher: Seven.

Kowalski: Eight.

Thatcher: Seven.

Kowalski: Eight.

Maigot: What do you think you're doing, Red?

Fraser: You committed a murder, and you used an Inukshuk as cover. That trespass will haunt you.

Maigot: You judging me?

Fraser: You violated a sacred thing.

Maigot: Are you sure it's empty?

Fraser: Are you sure it's not?

Maigot: [fires, but he's out of ammo]

Fraser: Now I imagine you will use your knife.

Maigot: You want this knife?

Fraser: I would appreciate it, yes.

Maigot: Here, it's yours. [throws it]

Fraser: [holding knife that he has caught] That was close.

Kowalski: [to Fraser] Grr. [to Maigot] On the ground. I will beat you to death with this empty gun.

[corridor]

Maigot: Shut up.

Purse-Snatcher: The lousy scum tries to kill me. Yeah, and he set me upon the other thing, too. I didn't know he was going to kill Mike. Tells me it was like going to be a practical joke, right? Hah.

Maigot: I said, shut up.

Purse-Snatcher: No way, Johnny. Look, you tried to kill me. I want you put away for ever, all right?

Welsh: Mob thing.

[corridor]

Welsh: So I had the big picture all along.

Thatcher: In a pig's eye.

Kowalski: What's a pig got to do with it?

Fraser: I have no idea.

Welsh: Hey, hey, hey, hey, what's that on your lip?

Dewey: What's what?

Welsh: What are these? If they're what I think they are, I'm going to

Frannie: Okay, the double double cappuccinos are ready. The half-caf decafs are on their way, and I'm taking orders for the caffe lattes which I recommend very highly.

Welsh: I'll kill her. I swear I will.

Thatcher: Fraser, I'll meet you at the car?

Fraser: Ah, yes, sir. I'll just collect my hat.

Kowalski: Hmm. I sure called that wrong.

Fraser: You called a lot of it right.

Kowalski: Do you think maybe I saw it a certain way because of, you know, me and Stella?

Fraser: Well, we all have our perspectives, Ray. There's nothing wrong with that.

Kowalski: There is if you uh almost put the wrong person in jail.

Fraser: That's right, but we did find the truth, and that's what counts.

Kowalski: Right.

Thatcher: Fraser.

Fraser: Duty calls.

Kowalski: Bellows, more like it.

Thatcher: Constable, I'm losing my patience. We need to get back to the Consulate.

Fraser: Eggplant.

Thatcher: Unless of course you'd like to stay and talk to your friend for a little while longer. In fact, why don't you stay as long as you'd like?

Fraser: Thank you kindly, sir. [to Ray] Works.