[Thatcher's office]
Thatcher: I know it's long distance, Fraser, but I'm giving you authorization. Should anything of an urgent nature arise - and I do mean urgent as in fire, flood, famine, acts of God - these are my numbers. My cell number and pager number, my room at the spa, the front desk at the spa, the therapy rooms, the mud rooms, and, uh - you won't be needing this number. Clear?
Fraser: Yes, sir.
[phone rings]
Fraser: Canadian Consulate, acting liaison officer Constable Benton Fraser speaking.
Ray: She gone yet?
Fraser: Ah, no, sir. Ah, Canada is a nation bordered by the United States to the south, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans to the east and the west, and the Arctic Ocean to the north, comprising of roughly 10 million square kilometers.
Ray: So the Ice Queen is still there.
Fraser: Yes, sir, it can be a cold climate.
Thatcher: Who is it?
Ray: Fraser, I'm in a hurry.
Fraser [to Thatcher]: It's a man in a hurry.
Turnbull: Your limo, sir.
Thatcher: My limo.
Ray: Fraser, you there?
Fraser [to Thatcher]: Have a safe trip, sir.
Ray: Listen, Fraser, something came up. I got to meet a guy, so I won't be dropping by tonight. There's -
Volpe: Vecchio!
Ray: Got to go. . . [to other man] Volpe.
Volpe: So?
Ray: So?
Volpe: You wouldn't be wearing a wire, would you?
Ray: Me?
Volpe: So you don't mind if I have a look?
Ray: A man with style is a man who can smile. . . Ooh. . . Do you the same favor?
Volpe: I'm a criminal. What would I be doing wearing a wire?
Ray: Posterity?
Volpe: Are you satisfied?
Ray: I'm never satisfied. What do you want?
Volpe: What do I want? You called me.
Ray: I didn't call you. You called me.
[gunshots]
Officer Tibbet: Police! Stay where you are!
Ray: Ohh. . .
Tibbett: Police officer! Don't move!
Ray: It's okay, I'm -
Tibbett: I said don't move!
Ray: Take it easy. I'm a cop -
Tibbet: I said freeze!
Ray: Okay, okay. Good.
[meow - gunshots]
Tibbett: Stop. . .
[gunshots]
Tibbett: . . . or I'll shoot!
Ray: Cute sequence!
[Consulate lobby]
Ray: Fraser!
[Thatcher's office]
Ray: The guy's a psycho. He's been running his own little operation on the south side for a year or so. Drugs, guns, prostitution - your basic American dream. Ow!
Fraser: Sorry.
Ray: What is that?
Fraser: It will prevent infection. You were discussing Mr. Volpe?
Ray: It smells. . . The word is he's getting ambitious lately, so naturally I'm anxious for a face-to-face. I get there, and it's a setup.
Fraser: You think somebody hit you?
Ray: This stuff smells. . . I don't remember. I wake up, Volpe's dead, and I got this Uniform blasting away like Yosemite Sam - bang, bang, bang. I take off.
Fraser: And you have no idea what happened to Mr. Volpe?
Ray: This stuff really stinks. . . Ah, somebody shot him. It could've been anybody. It could've been me.
Fraser: I see.
Ray: What is that?
Fraser: It's a concoction I made from the mucus membrane of a pregnant. . . It's not important. What is important, if I may recap, is that you were lured to a meeting with a gangland figure, and at this meeting, the gangland figure was murdered, an event of which you have no memory. The uniformed officer arrived, you resisted arrest, and you then fled the scene of the homicide. Do you agree these are the facts of the scenario?
Ray: Did I just say that or do I have a head injury?
Fraser: Well, Ray, I'm afraid that I have no option. By the powers that are vested in me by the government of Canada, I am placing you under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you without charge. Do you understand these rights?
[station corridor, through squad room, to Welsh's office]
Welsh: Don't let his exterior fool you. Cahill is a real pit bull. He's tough, he's a son of a bitch, and he's running for State's Attorney. If he wins, gentlemen, we do not want to be on his bad side because he will break our chops for eternity. Let's go in, hear him out, then we do our job. Got it?
Cahill: Harding! Hey, how's your belly where the pig bit you?
Welsh: Sore, Damon, sore.
Cahill: Huey, good to see you. . . [to Dewey] Didn't you have a beard or something?
Dewey: No, sir.
Cahill: You look different.
Huey: You're thinking of Louis, sir, my previous partner.
Cahill: Yeah, yeah. Did he retire?
Huey: No, sir. He, uh. . .
Dewey: He was blown up in a car, sir. The name's Dewey. Nice to meet you. You look bigger in your posters.
Cahill: It's not the size of the army, kid, it's the fury of its onslaught. . . We done, huh? Done with the laughs?. . . Let's move on. . . The Volpe shooting, what's the status?
Welsh: We're investigating, sir.
Cahill: Was he registered as a confidential informant?
Welsh: No.
Cahill: What was the purpose of the meeting between Volpe and Vecchio?
Welsh: I wasn't privy to that content.
Cahill: Were you even aware that Volpe was going to take a meet with Vecchio?. . . So this meet was unauthorized. . . Tell me, is that the way you normally conduct affairs in this station?
Welsh: What kind of question is that, Damon?
Cahill: It's not a question, Lieutenant Welsh, it's a statement. Speaking as candidate for the office of state's attorney, I will not have members of the Chicago PD cozying up to organized crime. Speaking as an officer of the courts, I will not have members of the Chicago PD blowing them away in back alleys. Pick Vecchio up.
Welsh: Would you escort Mr. Cahill out, Dewey?
Cahill: Oh, Dewey, tell Huey I'm sorry about Louis. [transcription note: pronounced 'Louie']
Reporter: Mr. Cahill. . .
Cahill: Ah, Miss Byron.
Reporter: Mr. Cahill, as a candidate for state's attorney, what's your response to today's shooting?
Cahill: Well, Miss Byron, as you know I've spent the last year heading up the mayor's task force in the fight against organized crime. . .
[Consulate]
Cahill on TV: . . . and the battle has only reinforced in me the deep conviction that no one is above the law. Not you, not me, nobody. Especially not the police.
Ray: The guy's campaign is dying, needs an issue, so I'm the issue.
Fraser: Well, only temporarily. As soon as we can arrange for a blowback test to prove that you haven't fired a gun recently -
Ray: Won't work. Small arms certification. I was on the range this morning. I'm covered in blowback.
Fraser: Oh. Well, perhaps I'll take this opportunity to urinate.
Turnbull: I wouldn't go in there, sir.
Fraser: Well I have to.
Turnbull: I wouldn't go in there.
Fraser: Turnbull, I have lived among the musk ox. There's very little that I -
Turnbull: It won't flush, sir.
Fraser: Oh. Is it the standard military modified field unit?
Turnbull: Correct. A 17-centimeter stem on a 9-liter displacement. . .
Fraser: A 17-centimeter stem on a 9-liter displacement. Not available locally.
Turnbull: We could have one flown in from Prince Rupert.
Fraser: That's the ticket. Good thinking, Constable.
Turnbull: Thank you.
Ray: Hey, you guys sort of like the British? I mean, what's up with the toilet? The reason I ask is once we had this guy over from Scotland Yard, and every day he would drive back to the hotel just to use the can.
Turnbull: I see nothing wrong with that, do you, sir?
Fraser: No.
[knock]
Fraser: Ah.
Huey: Okay, Fraser, don't give me a hard time. I have a warrant for his arrest.
Fraser: I'm afraid that Ray is already under arrest, sir.
Huey: By who?
Fraser: By whom.
Dewey: By whom?
Fraser: By me.
Huey: Fraser, you're a Mountie. You can't arrest anybody unless you're in Canada.
Fraser: I am in Canada.
Huey: No, no, see, this is Chicago.
Fraser: Well, you would think so, wouldn't you, but you would be wrong.
Dewey: Are we in the Twilight Zone?
Fraser: You see, under the terms of the Vienna Convention 1964, this Consulate and the grounds upon which it sits is Canadian territory - Turnbull? - so technically, you see, Ray is in Canada. Now if you wish to arrest him, I'm afraid you will have to extradite him. These are the necessary forms to be completed in triplicate and filed with the American Embassy in Ottawa.
Dewey: We are in the Twilight Zone.
Huey: Fraser, you can't do this.
Turnbull: Actually, he can. Regina versus Mombourquette, 1967. A confidence trickster was extradited to Alberta to face charges that he bilked pensioners in a phony mattress scheme. Also, in 1984, Regina versus Horowitz. A man with a very large -
Fraser: Thank you, Turnbull.
Turnbull: Sir.
Fraser: Gentlemen.
Dewey: Can we use your bathroom?
Fraser: Oh certainly, certainly - Uh, no. Impossible.
Ray: Hey, they really got to extradite me?
Fraser: That's right.
Ray: Wow. Go figure. . . Where are you going?
Fraser: To the scene of the crime.
Ray: A good plan. You do that, I'll get my files.
Fraser: I'm sure the police have already picked up your files, Ray.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, they've gotten my files, but they wouldn't have gotten my file files. I keep my secret stuff in a hollowed-out book. Let's get into it.
Fraser: Oh, no, you don't understand, Ray. You can't leave the Consulate.
Ray: Why?
Fraser: Detectives Huey and Dewey are undoubtedly stationed outside waiting to arrest you the moment you step from this building. As long as you remain here, you are safe. . . Diefenbaker, let's go.
Turnbull: Tea, Mr. Vecchio?
Ray: Safe?
Fraser: Welcome to Canada, Ray.
Turnbull: Since you're a newcomer to our nation, I figured an orientation might be of some help as well as some good fun. Are you familiar with the sport known as curling?
Ray: No.
[crime scene]
Fraser [to Dief]: Stay here.
[Dief bark]
Fraser: Good boy.
[bark]
Fraser: What have you found?
[whine]
Fraser: Yeah. Gunpowder. The gunman fired from here after waiting for his victims to arrive. . . And he was a heavy smoker. . . Some soft of salve. What do you think?
[squad room - Ray's desk]
Kilrae: This all of Vecchio's stuff?
Welsh: Yeah, and I want a receipt for all of it.
Kilrae: Don't worry about it.
Welsh: I always worry when Internal Affairs starts messing with my detectives.
Kilrae: If I need anything else, I'll call you. Oh, and I'll need a copy of any phone messages he gets. Every message.
Welsh: Hey, hey, I don't have enough people here to take messages for the people who work here. You want Vecchio's messages? You work dispatch.
[supply closet]
Frannie: Fraser?
Fraser: I'm right here.
Frannie: You smell great.
Fraser: That would be the neat's-foot oil.
Frannie: You wear neat's-foot oil?
Fraser: On my Sam Browne. . . My belt.
Frannie: Oh.
Fraser: Ah. Sergeant Kilrae. Just the man I was looking for.
Kilrae: You're looking for me in the closet?
Fraser: Well, no, I'm in the closet for an altogether different reason.
Frannie: I wish.
Kilrae: Who the hell are you?
Fraser: Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, and I certainly don't mean to step on any jurisdictional toes, but Ray Vecchio did not shoot Mr. Volpe.
Kilrae: Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Who cares?
Fraser: I do.
Kilrae: Listen to me. Ray Vecchio is a smartass. He brings the heat down on all decent cops. If Cahill wants Vecchio, I'm going to give him Vecchio. And you're going to give me that book.
Fraser: Oh dear. . .
[Consulate]
TV commentator: The Canadian team has one in the four-foot and is going to play the guard. . .
Ray: Anything that moves that slowly is not a sport.
Turnbull: Not a sport. . .
Ray: This is not a sport, it's housework.
Turnbull: It is a calling.
Ray: It may be a pastime, it may even be a hobby, but it is definitely not a sport.
Turnbull: Do you want to fight?
Ray: Over curling?
Turnbull: Yes. What if I made fun of baseball?
Ray: All right.
Fraser: Afternoon, gentlemen.
Ray: Hey, you're empty-handed.
Fraser: But I am not empty-trousered.
Ray: Yes!. . . Yes!
Turnbull: Sir?. . . Sir!
Fraser and Turnbull: Sweeeeeep!
Turnbull: Oh, I love this game!
Ray: That - Eddy Herndorff. Old-style gangster. Guy's ruthless. Once he cut the muscles out of a guy's legs with a sword 'cause he cut him off in traffic. That - Gus Fillion, Eddy's main competitor. Sees himself as a Renaissance sort of guy. These two used to duke it out, but they've been getting along lately. Getting along until. . . Andreas Volpe, the glue-huffing psychopath. Local kid with big ambitions.
Fraser: So it's your theory, if I may recap, that Volpe challenged their authority and was killed as a result?
[bell rings]
Ray: Yeah. See, that's why we're policemen, Fraser. We get to figure these kind of things out.
Fraser: Right you are, Ray, right you are. I think it's time that I paid Mr. Fillion a visit.
Ray: Look, no offense, Fraser, but these are Chicago hard guys. I mean, you can be as polite as you want, but they can have you hanging from a meat hook in 13 seconds.
Fraser: Well I'm not without my resources, Ray.
Turnbull: Sir? Your presence.
Fraser: Ah.
Ray: Your presence? What are you, like a king or something?
Fraser: To Turnbull, yes.
[lobby]
Fraser: Ah, Lieutenant Welsh. Nice to see you. Welcome to Canada, sir.
Welsh: Fraser, this is Assistant State's Attorney Cahill.
Fraser: It's an honor, sir. I've seen your posters all over town.
Cahill: Constable, I'll come straight to the point. I'd like you to surrender Detective Vecchio to me.
Fraser: Well, I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. The extradition treaty between our two countries is very specific -
Cahill: We want to question Vecchio in connection with more than a particularly vicious homicide. I've suspected for some time that organized crime has an informant somewhere inside the police department in this city.
Welsh: Sir, I don't think we have to bother Constable Fraser with that.
Cahill: I want this man to understand what he's interfering with.
Fraser: I think I can put your mind at rest on that point, sir. Ray had nothing to do with this murder, and I can personally vouch for his integrity.
Cahill: I'm supposed to take your word on that?
Fraser: Yes, sir.
Cahill: Uh-huh.
Welsh: You see, sir, Constable Fraser doesn't lie.
Cahill: Oh, that's an admirable quality in times of peace, but we're in the middle of a war. A war against crime and corruption, and I demand your cooperation! The city of Chicago demands your cooperation!
Fraser: And you shall have it, sir, to the full extent of the law.
Cahill: Are you mocking me? Are you mocking this city, this administration?
Fraser: Certainly not, sir. No. We greatly appreciate the generosity shown to us by the people of Chicago, and I assure you should you ever find yourself in Nunavut, you will not be wanting for a meal.
Cahill: Come here. Come here. . . You know, this Marquis of Queensbury thing and your grammar and all, it's very quaint. But I just want to remind you that we took Grenada, we beat the snot out of Haiti, we knocked Panama on its ass, and if needs be, we can take this little piss pot too! Have a nice evening.
Fraser: Oh dear. . .
[Fraser provides explanation in Inuktitut for family filling out forms] [the exchange with the Chinese family is provided by Joseph]
That family is Chinese and they speak Cantonese. Here is what I transcribed:
[Male voice speaking Cantonese in the background: Ho yee jeh. Teen sai köü jou duk ga la. (This is quite easy. You only have to fill the whole form.)]
[Chinese family came to Fraser. He looked at the form in the hands of the old woman.]
Fraser: Yee. ?????? (Number Two, ????????)
[from Joseph: I played Fraser's attempt at Cantonese again and again, and have absolutely no idea of what he was trying to say. I wonder how accurate his Inuktitut was in the garage. Otsoko should know. ]
[Fraser Sr's office]
Fraser Sr: Close the door, son. Anyone would think you were born in a barn.
Fraser: I was.
Fraser Sr: Oh. That's true enough.
Fraser: You always told me that the most important thing a man can do is his duty, and . . .
Fraser Sr: Uh-huh.
Fraser: I'm about to embark on a somewhat devious course of action and I'm not entirely sure where my duty actually lies.
Fraser Sr: 1961.
Fraser: All right.
Fraser Sr: I was ordered to help 32 Inuit families relocate 500 miles further north on Ellesmere Island. We had some dispute with the Russians - this was long before the Canada Cup - and we wanted to demonstrate our sovereignty over the far north. Now I'd been up to Ellesmere Island and I knew that life up there would be hard, if not impossible. I said as much to my superiors but they were adamant and I had my orders.
Fraser: So what did you do?
Fraser Sr: The only thing I could do. I went up to Ellesmere and I marked out 32 plots of land. I threw up a flag, opened up a post office. Tom Goforth, a young man from one of the families, lived up there all alone for the first year, receiving all these relocation checks. He forwarded them back to the families, who used the money to hire a lawyer who won their case against their relocation in court.
Fraser: So you created a fictitious town.
Fraser Sr: Well, Ellesmere was listed in MacLean's that year as having the lowest crime rate in North America. . . Your heart is where your duty lies, son. Your head is just along to help with the driving.
Fraser: Oh. Uh, Tom Goforth - what happened to him?
Fraser Sr: Tom? Tom, I believe, moved to Winnipeg and went to work in a record store, but that's not relevant to this situation.
Fraser: No. . .

[car outside the Consulate]
Dewey: Is that really a wolf?
Huey: He can bring down a caribou.
Dewey: Just the weak ones. It's known as calling the herd.
Huey: Culling.
Dewey: What?
Huey: Culling the herd, not calling the herd.
Dewey: Well what did I say?
Huey: You said - forget it.
[Fillion's bar]
Fraser: I'd like to speak to a Mr. Fillion, if I could.
Man: Hey, boss. . .
Fillion: Is that a wolf?
Fraser: Half wolf, actually.
Fillion: Is that legit?
Fraser: Yes. Yes. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I've remained, attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate.
Fillion: Come here. . . I painted all these. I love dogs. Not candy-assed drop-kick dogs, you understand. I mean real dogs.
Fraser: A very deft touch. It's amazingly lifelike.
Fillion: It's just something to do. It's better than clowns. I hate clowns. I had an experience with a clown. . . Won't do them.
Fraser: It's understandable.
Fillion: So you're the one that has Vecchio stashed away, huh?
Fraser: He is suspected of shooting a man named Andreas Volpe.
Fillion: So give him a medal.
Fraser: He's innocent of the charge.
Fillion: So you think I did it.
Fraser: I've formed no opinion, sir. I'm merely gathering information, proceeding more or less along the lines of a royal commission.
Fillion: I like you. You can talk. Most of the cops around here can't string a sentence together.
Fraser: The Academy stresses language skills as highly as it does hand-to-hand combat and snowmobile repair.
Fillion: I am going to paint you, both.
Fraser: We would be honored.
Fillion: Listen, I had no reason to whack Volpe. Volpe was very valuable to me. He had good information. Information is power. But the word is that Herndorff was looking for some out of town talent.
Fraser: Was he successful?
Fillion: You be the judge. So. You like my work?
Fraser: Very much, yes. This one, I take it, would be a hommage to Milton Glazer?
Fillion: That's right. . . Here, take one. . . Take two. . . Here. I churn three or four of these out a day.
Fraser: I appreciate that. Thank you kindly.
[car outside of Consulate]
Dewey: Vecchio eats a lot of pizza. How does he stay so slim, you figure?
Huey: Maybe he works out.
Dewey: When?
Huey: In secret.
Dewey: When no one's looking, you mean?
Huey: Maybe.
Dewey: Sneaky guy.
[Consulate]
Ray: There's no pineapple. Where's the pineapple?
Sandor: Tony don't put pineapple on 'em no more. Said it ain't right for the pizzas.
Ray: What is Tony, the Surgeon General all of a sudden? Get in there. . . [to Turnbull] Can you get out? We need the room.
Turnbull: No. No, Ray. In Canada, when we wish someone to leave the room, we say, 'Could you please leave the room.'
Ray: Could you please leave the room before I punch you in the head?
Turnbull: You see? You see how easy that is?. . . [to Sandor] Hello, welcome to Canada.
Ray: All right, Sandor, I know you're plugged in. Talk to me. What are they saying? Who whacked Volpe?
Sandor: They're sayin' maybe you did, they're sayin' maybe Herndorff 'cause he's nuts, and they're sayin' maybe Fillion 'cause him and Volpe had a beef.
Ray: What kind of beef?
Sandor: It's not that serious. Volpe tried to stick a bundle under Fillion's car.
Ray: So Fillion had him whacked.
Sandor: Well, if it wasn't you and it wasn't Herndorff. . .
Ray: All right, listen. You get back out there, put the word out on the street the Mountie wants to see Herndorff.
Sandor: Herndorff? Ain't nobody wants to see Herndorff, right?
Ray: Did you just question my judgment?
Sandor: I did.
Ray: And what do I have to do?
Sandor: You have to hit me, Ray.
Ray: [thump] . . . Correct
Sandor: Thank you.
Ray: You're welcome. Now get back out there. . . Damn!
Turnbull: Canada and Denmark are going to extra ends.
Ray: I gotta use the can.
Turnbull: It's broken.
Ray: You're right, so I'll go across the street.
Turnbull: You can't. The police are outside.
Ray: Right. That's why I need your uniform.
Turnbull: Out of the question.
Ray: Okay. I'll whiz in the sink.
Turnbull: No!
TV commentator: Unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen! If this sport were to last a thousand years, I don't think you'll ever see a shot like that again!
[phone rings]
Ray: Yeah?
Thatcher: Who's this?
Ray: Uh, it's, uh, it's not an embassy, it's. . . hey, what's the name of this place again?
Thatcher: It's a consulate and this is Inspector Thatcher. Who is this?
Ray: Ray.
Thatcher: Oh!
Ray: Ray.
Thatcher: Mmmm!
Ray: Detective Raymond Vecchio.
Thatcher: I know your name, Detective. Is Constable Fraser there?
Ray: No can do. He's out hanging with gangsters.
Thatcher: I leave for a matter of hours and the whole operation falls apart. Is Constable Turnbull there?
Ray: Uh, yeah, hang on. . . Turnbull! Ice Queen! Phone!. . . Ray.
Thatcher: Ummm!
Ray: I got the touch.
[car outside Consulate]
Dewey: Abmaster.
Huey: Maybe. . . Dancercize.
Dewey: Dancercize?
Huey: Treadmill.
Dewey: Free weights.
Huey: Aerobics.
Dewey: Step machine.
Huey: Stationary bike.
[street]
[Dief whine]
Man in wheelchair: Excuse me, young man. . . Get in or I shoot the dog!
[Dief barks]
[garage]
Fraser: Evening, Ray.
Ray: Hello, Fraser.
Fraser: It's not a bad fit, all in all.
Ray: Arms are a bit long.
Fraser: You can always have them altered.
Ray: I know. Good deal.
Herndorff: How are you? If I had this heat on me, I'd be in some deep hole right now, not out parading in a red suit.
Ray: I came to make you a deal, Eddy.
Herndorff: Make me a deal? The whole town's out looking for who whacked Volpe - you - and you're going to make me a deal. Funny guy.
Ray: Come on, I didn't kill Volpe. I'm a cop.
Herndorff: Oh yeah, I forgot. That would be illegal.
Ray: It was Fillion, we both know that. You help me, I'll nail him.
Herndorff: Hey. You do your job. I'll do mine.
Ray: Oh, so, you're going to kill a cop now, Eddy, is that it? Do you know what happens when you kill a cop? They hound you to your grave, Eddy. They'll hound you beyond your grave.
Fraser: I don't think we have to worry, Ray. I don't think Mr. Herndorff intends to kill us. There are three - no, make that four police cruisers traveling towards us on Michigan Avenue at approximately 122 kilometers an hour. No, I believe that Mr. Herndorff intends to turn us over to the police.
Herndorff: You got good ears, Red.
Fraser: Thank you.
Herndorff: Oh, uh, Ray? You know, I really think you're going to enjoy prison. . . [to henchmen] Let's go.
Ray: I'm not going to jail. . . the food. . . the conversation. . . sexual hijinks. . . I can't handle it.
Fraser: You may not have to, Ray. I think help is on its way.
Ray: Oh yeah? In what form?
Fraser: Diefenbaker. I think he followed me.
Ray: Yeah?. . . Come on. . . Come on!. . . Dief!
Fraser: Ray.
Ray: Dief!
Fraser: Ray.
Ray: Dief!
Fraser: Ray!
Ray: What?
Fraser: It's pointless to yell. As you know, he's deaf. We'll just have to wait for him to find us.
Ray: . . . I'm not that good at waiting.
Fraser: Just be patient.
Ray: . . . I mean, I'm really not that good at waiting.
Fraser: Shhh.
Ray: . . . I was 3 weeks premature. What does that tell you?
Fraser: Here he comes.
Ray: Hey, come on, boy. Come on, come on. Hey, hey, I think he likes me.
Fraser: He likes the pizza. . . [speaks a few words to Dief in Inuktitut]
Ray: Huh?
Fraser: It's Inuktitut. It's a slightly less complex language, easy for him to read.
Ray: What does it mean?
Fraser: It means, 'fetch the knife from the hood of that car and apply it to the ties that bind us'. . . Come on.
Ray: Come on.
Fraser: [speaks several words in Inuktitut to Dief]
Ray: Meaning?
Fraser: Hide.
Voices: Search every inch! Come on! Over here! Check those stairs! Go up the stairwell! Over here!
Kilrae: See if somebody can find a light! Let's go! Two guys in red suits, people, how hard can it be?
Fraser: You all right?
Ray: Good.
Fraser: You sure?
Ray: Pants are itchy.
Fraser. Yeah. . . You know, I once spent 13 hours hanging like this underneath a suspension bridge with a mountain cat swiping at me from above. He tore my lanyard, ripped my epaulette, oh. . .
Ray: And what happened?
Fraser: Well, fortunately the nuns at Fort Mcleod practiced invisible mending. . . Shh-shh-shh.
Officer: The place is clean.
Kilrae: All right, let's get out of here.
Fraser: I knew you could do it!
Ray: . . . [squeak] Thank you.
[door bell, knock at Consulate]
Fraser: Ah, Lieutenant Welsh, nice to see you.
Welsh: Nice to see you, Fraser. . . You going to let me stand out here all night?
Fraser: Oh, I'm sorry. Come in, please.
Welsh: We got to talk.
Fraser: Well, let's use my office then. . . Oh, sir, sorry, it's this way.
Welsh: It's this guy Cahill -
Fraser: Sir, it's a little further back. It's, uh, just through here. . .
Welsh: Excuse me.
Fraser: Ray, would you care to join us?. . . Lieutenant Welsh was just informing me that Assistant State's Attorney Cahill has filed a special request with our Department of External Affairs to expedite your extradition.
Ray: Uh. . . come again?
Welsh: It means that at 9 a.m. tomorrow morning, they're going to come in and yank your ass out of here. . . [to Fraser] You spend all day here?
Fraser: I go out for lunch.
Ray: Look, Lieutenant, I am telling you, I had nothing to do with that murder.
Welsh: I believe you.
Ray: You do?
Welsh: We know there's a rat in major crime. He must have been leaking to Volpe because no matter what we threw at Volpe, he was able to walk. . . [to Fraser] There must be 20 rooms in this house. Why'd you pick this one?
Fraser: The others are much less intimate.
Ray: It's Kilrea. You check his arrest stats. He's dirty, I'm telling you. Herndorff turns me in, who does he call? His little buddy Kilrea.
Fraser: Was Kilrea on the firing range the morning you qualified?
Ray: I don't know.
Welsh: That would be easy enough to check out.
Fraser: What about the officer at the scene of the shooting. Tibbet. Has anyone spoken to her?
Welsh: I.A. told us to butt out.
Ray: That is one sick puppy. She needs a valium the size of a cheeseburger.
[gym - boxing ring]
Tibbet: I am sick and tired of people telling me that I am uptight. I'm not uptight. I'm alert. There is a difference between being uptight and alert.
Fraser: I couldn't agree with you more.
Tibbet: Do you think Society wants laid-back cops? I don't think so. We're in a war out there, and I'm on the front line. Hey! No street shoes in the gym.
Fraser: I anticipated as much. That's why I've taken precautions. . . Now, I'm curious. Didn't Detective Vecchio identify himself as a police officer?
Tibbet: Anyone can say that. You drop your guard for a second, they drop you.
Fraser: Officer Tibbet, I am quite sure Detective Vecchio did not shoot Mr. Volpe. Now, it would help my investigation enormously if you could tell me exactly what you saw.
Tibbet: I knew something was going to go down in that alley.
Fraser: Instinct?
Tibbett: No. Phone call. Yeah, I was on edge, but I wasn't as much on edge as I was the last time.
Fraser: The last time?
Tibbet: Yeah, when I shot the kid. . . I was exonerated, you know. Big deal. I know what they say. 'She's a woman, and a woman can't take the pressure of the job.' What a load of crap! I'd be just as ready to snap if I were a man!
Fraser: I'm sure you would.
Tibbet: What, you don't believe me?
Fraser: Oh, no, I'm sure you're quite capable of snapping regardless of your sex. . . Now, this telephone call you say that you received - do you know who it was from?
Tibbet: Nah, he didn't say. But I know I recognized the voice. A guy. I met him a couple of times. Worked for Damon Cahill.
[bell rings]
Fraser: Well, you're a switch hitter. . . [to sparring partner] My mistake.
[car outside Consulate]
Dewey: Another pizza?
Huey: Definitely working out. Maybe in the pool.
Dewey: Um-hmm.
Huey: Thirty laps a day at least.
Dewey: Could be aerobics.
Huey: I'm starving. . . Hey, buddy, come here!
[Consulate]
Ray [to Sandor]: Look, I'm not paying for their pizza. That's thievery. And there's no pineapple.
Sandor: Hey, no one tells Tony how to make pizza, all right? He left Russia to be free.
Fraser: I think it's quite tasty.
Ray: Like your favorite toppings aren't blubber and lichen.
Fraser: Kilrae was on the range yesterday but this is interesting. He wasn't supposed to be there. He qualified the day before.
Ray [listening on phone]: Yeah, thank you. . . [to Fraser] J.P. Tibbet shot a kid last year when she was working on the organized crime task force.
Sandor: I was having a drink the other night with this guy, definitely an O.C., a big talker, real big mouth, right? He's talking about how Fillion brought him in on this big job. Now here's the kicker. He had this real stinky painting with him. Said Fillion had gave it to him. It was like a rottweiler playing poker with his friends or something.
Fraser: Fillion.
Ray: Fillion. . . Herndorff. . . Cahill. . . Kilrea. . . Hey, got the makings of a bonspiel -
Fraser: What's wrong?
Ray: I just made a curling reference. . . I'm going to go lie down.
Sandor: Ahem.
Fraser: Oh. Payment.
Sandor: That would be nice. In U.S. bills, if you please.
[Dief barking]
Fraser: Excuse me. I'll be right back.
[hallway]
Ray: Come on. . . Stupid dog, stupid dog, stupid- . . . Get out of my way. Come on!
Fraser: Ray? Where are you going?
Ray: Hey, I can't wait around for Cahill and his goons to come and arrest me. I got to do something.
Fraser: Do what, Ray? And where? Everyone in this city on both sides of the law is looking for you.
Ray: Well, yeah, that may be, but I gotta do something.
Fraser: Yes, you do. You have to trust me.
Ray: Trust you, Fraser? I don't even know if I trust me. You know, I don't think I whacked Volpe. But I can't remember details. That might have been my finger on the trigger.
Fraser: You didn't shoot that man.
Ray: How do you know? How do you know? How can you be so sure?
Fraser: Because I know you. You're my partner. And you're my friend.
Ray: . . . Was that hard to say?
Fraser: Not in the least.
Ray: Are you going to call your dog off?
Fraser: I'm afraid I can't do that. Come on, let's go watch some curling.
[Dief whine]
[outside the Consulate]
Cahill [to Kilrae]: You got the papers?
Kilrae: Oh, yeah.
Cahill: All right, men, follow me.
Reporter: Sir? Sir? Sir?
Cahill: Okay, let's do it.
Reporter: This is Shelley Byron reporting live from the steps of the Canadian Consulate.
[inside, on TV]
Cahill: As you know, as state prosecutor I have been concerned for some years about the level of corruption in our city and particularly within our police force. So keep your lenses clean and watch this.
Fraser: Ah. Good morning.
Cahill: I have a signed order here for the extradition of Raymond Vecchio.
Fraser: Yes, certainly. Won't you please come in.
Turnbull: Excuse me, sir.
Cahill: What?
Turnbull: You're fine.
[bleeping]
Turnbull: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but firearms are not permitted on the premises.
Kilrae: What the hell is he talking about?
Fraser: We have very strict gun laws here in Canada. Now, I don't make the rules, I simply enforce them. But I took an oath very similar to the one you gentlemen took, I should imagine, without the references to the Queen of course.
Turnbull: . . . Ooh, sir. A two-tone Baretta, model 92, nine millimeter, 11 rounds in the magazine, sporting a muzzle velocity of 2,000 feet per second. Very nice.
Fraser: Very nice indeed.
Turnbull: Thank you. Enjoy the show.
Fraser: Thank you kindly.
[outside the Consulate]
Uniform: I'm sorry, ma'am. You can't go in there.
Thatcher: That's my building.
Uniform: Ma'am?
Thatcher: And none of these cars are properly parked.
Uniform: Ma'am? Ma'am?
[inside]
Fraser: Andreas Volpe was a man who made a lot of enemies. One of those enemies killed him. The question is, which one? I brought you all together here to help answer that question. Was it Eddy Herndorff, a ruthless competitor, a man whose role he was trying to usurp?
Herndorff: I don't have to listen to this.
Fraser: Perhaps it was Mr. Fillion. Mr. Fillion claims that he was receiving information from Mr. Volpe. Perhaps that information was costing too much.
Fillion: You're a smart guy, Mountie. It doesn't pay to get too smart.
Fraser: Ah, well, maybe that was Mr. Volpe's problem. Maybe he was too smart. He certainly had information. But where was he getting it from? Maybe it was from his contact in the Justice Department. Someone who was offering him the protection of his office in exchange for information relating to criminal activity.
Cahill: Are you suggesting I was leaking to Volpe?
Fraser: I don't recall mentioning your name, Mr. Cahill.
Cahill: I don't see anyone else in here fitting that description.
Fraser: Or maybe it was a cop, a man who had made a deal with the devil but had decided that Mr. Volpe was a liability and not an asset. Fortunately, we don't need to speculate any more. The killer was not alone in that alley. There was a witness to the murder. A witness too afraid to come forward but who has placed a sworn affidavit in this envelope which was delivered to me.
Cahill: That is evidence in an ongoing criminal investigation! Give it to me right now or I'll have you arrested for obstruction of justice!
Fraser: Certainly. Let me open it first.
Cahill: This is evidence! I have -
Fraser: It is, in point of fact, a blank piece of paper. But one that has proved quite revealing.
Voices from hallway: Excuse me, Miss. . . Get your hands off of me!
Fraser: What are you going to do? There are millions of people watching.
Cahill: It didn't hurt O.J. . . Try to follow me, I'll kill her.
Thatcher: Didn't I meet you at the Chilean Consulate party?
Fraser: Cahill! I'm going to count to three. One. . .
Cahill: Wait a minute. I've got the gun here.
Fraser: Two. . .
Cahill: What have you got?
Thatcher: Me!
Fraser: First, officer, may I just say that your time at the spa has done wonders for your muscle tone and your reflexes. The sunburn, on the other hand - if I could recommend. . .
[general confusion in lobby as Turnbull tries to return handguns]
[outside Consulate]
Thatcher: Fraser, I will expect your report to be on my desk by 0900 hours, and if your explanation isn't satisfactory, you can expect to be transferred to Baffin Island.
Fraser: Understood, sir.
Thatcher: Detective.
Ray: Call me. . . Ray.
[Fraser Senior's office]
Fraser: Excuse me. . . uh. . . you are. . . ?
Joe: Joe.
Fraser: And you would be. . . ?
Joe: Dead.
Fraser: And my father is. . . ?
Joe: Fishing.
Fraser: I see. . . Well, could you just. . .? Well, tell him I stopped by. . . Oh, and could you tell him it, uh. . . ?
Joe: It worked?
Fraser: Yes. . . Thank you kindly.

End