[Fraser's apartment]

Ray: Pizza at the perfect price.

Fraser: Which is?

Ray: Free. And that's exactly what it'll be in 34 seconds. There is no way he can get a pizza here form Michigan Avenue in under a half hour.

Fraser: You mean you're using some promotional ploy to get something for nothing.

Ray: Welcome to the United States of America, Fraser.

Fraser: Uh, it just doesn't seem fair, Ray, I mean, if you don't pay for them somebody has to.

Ray: Again, welcome to my country.

Ray: Drop the pizza kid you're late.

Lenny: Oh, you're one of those guys. Uh, listen, I couldn't find the building I'm 10 seconds late. Your pizzas obviously ruined.

Ray: Don't give me sarcasm just the pie.

Lenny: Look if I don't go back with thirteen fifty I get fired. I just got this job I need this job. Come on guys cut me a break will ya?

Fraser: Here's for my half Ray.

Ray: Your half? What are you doing? You believe this sob story?

Lenny: Come on I'm blocking the alley.

Ray: Okay, fine but next time punk.

Lenny: Oh no! My car. They got my car.

Ray: Repo?

Lenny: I just bought it.

Fraser: Diefenbaker. Follow it. Excuse me.[he jumps out the window, then on down until he jumps onto the car]

Fraser: Please stop immediately. This is not your automobile. [tossed off the top]

Fraser: I'm okay. Dief! Dief! Diefenbaker!

Lenny: Hey! Hey! That's my car!

Fraser: Ray! Stop Diefenbaker! Stop him!

Ray: Hey! Stop! Halt!

Fraser: Stop him!

Ray: Unmush unmush

Fraser: Where's your car.

Ray: Lot B. You need to get that dog a hearing aid.

Fraser: It's my mistake. I never should have sent him.

Ray: He'll come back.

Fraser: No he won't He won't stop until he catches it.

Ray: And if he don't stop it?

Fraser: He'll die trying.

***

Ray: Got a stolen car two two one East Racine. Nineteen seventy-seven green Comet. Yeah. Robert Charles William one three nine. Yeah you do that.

Lenny: Look if I don't find that car I loose my job.

***

[Fraser's apartment]

Ray: I called it in. There you go kid.

Lenny: A lot of good this is gonna do me.

Ray: Hey call your insurance broker. You do have insurance don't you.

Lenny: Oh yeah. I spent the last of my inheritance on it.

Fraser: Well the police have a description of the car so the thieves couldn't get far.

Lenny: Right now my car's in some garage being torn up for parts. By morning it'll be spread over six states and the frame will be rusting in lake Michigan.

Ray: Earlier career choice kid?

Lennie: They like to teach you a trade in juvie.

Ray: Let the punk go.

Fraser: He needs help Ray.

Ray: Hey there's still a few people in this neighborhood without a criminal record. Why don't you try to help one of them?

[on street]

Fraser: Lenny!

Ray: He doesn't want your help. Can't you respect that?

Fraser: This is my neighborhood Ray. That makes it my responsibility.

Ray: Yeah well it's not my neighborhood.

Fraser: No. Quite right. It's not. Lenny! Lenny, I will find your car.

Lenny: How?

Fraser: I have a friend on the case already.

Lenny: What the wolf?

Fraser: It's his neighborhood too.

Lenny: Yeah. I'll hold my breath.

[in Riv]

Fraser: That's odd.

Ray: What's that?

Fraser: Oh it's probably nothing.

Ray: Oh no, I am not getting involved in this one Fraser. Unlike you I refuse to feel guilty about something beyond my control.

Fraser: No I understand Ray. I understand fully.

Ray: Good. I mean the kid should have got insurance. I'm not going to turn Chicago upside down just to satisfy your twisted sense of honor.

Fraser: Well I don't expect you to. Every individual must follow their own moral code.

Ray: What's that suppose to mean?

Fraser: Just what I said Ray. You're right. You have no responsibility here. Look, why don't you just let me off and you can go home.

Ray: Fine.

Fraser: Thanks.

Ray: I'm going!

Fraser: Goodnight Ray.

Ray: Forty-seven thousand cars are stolen each year in the city how are you going to find one.

Fraser: I don't think you want to know Ray.

Ray: You're right. I don't. Goodnight!

Fraser: Goodnight.

Ray: Okay, how.

Fraser: When the Inuit go fishing Ray, they don't look for the fish.

Ray: I hate myself. So what do they look for?

Fraser: The Blue Herron

Ray: You're kidding me right?

Fraser: No I'm not Ray.

Ray: And where might we find this legendary bird?

Fraser: We begin by asking the people who'd know.

[now on foot]

Ray: One pizza. That's all I wanted was one lousy Chicago style deep dish pizza. (sigh) Excuse me, have you seen a 1977 green Comet followed by a white wolf?

Street Person: Today?

Ray: Yes, of course today.

Street Person: Nope.

Ray: That's it. That's it. I'm done. I'm not asking any more bums for you.

Fraser: Thank you ma'am. Ray these are the people of the streets. This is their home and you notice when things are out of place in your home.

Ray: Oh yeah, they notice things. They notice green cars, white wolves and pink elephants. This is getting us nowhere.

Fraser: It got us here.

Ray: Oh this is a place with want to be?

Fraser: I think I'm picking up his trail. Good boy Diefenbaker.

Ray: You can smell him?

Fraser: Well not him exactly.

Ray: Oh no! You're sniffing piddle!

Fraser: Each lupine has it's own unique scent. That's how they mark their territory.

Ray: Yeah it stinks

Fraser: Oh yes.

Ray: You mean to tell me he peed all the way from here to the loop?

Fraser: Well he isn't relieving himself. He's marking a trail.

Ray: First dirt tasting now piddle sniffing. I don't want to be around when you start listening to dung.

Street Person: Fraser's looking for his dog again.

Street Person2: Yep.

Ray: Where are you going?

Fraser: Stupid rookie mistake.

Ray: What do you mean?

Fraser: These last two blocks...I've been tracking a Lapso Apso.

Ray: You've been tracking a Lapso Apso?

Fraser: I know. If word of this gets back to the Territories, I'll never live it down.

Ray: Mounties can be so cruel.

Fraser: You can't imagine. Evening Jerome.

Ray: Sniff sniff. I don't smell anything. Sniff

Fraser: Ray! This is it.

Ray: What?

Fraser: He's here.

Ray: Where?

Fraser: Right there.

Ray: Markles used cars? This is where the kid bought the car. Your dumb animal tracked it backwards.

Fraser: Good dog. Good boy.

Ray: Yeah brilliant. Not only is he deaf he's color blind.

Fraser: This is the car.

Ray: What do you mean this is the car. This car is bright yellow. The kids car was lime green. And his VIN number isn't even close.

Fraser: No scratches on the lock. No sign of a break in. they must have used a key.

Ray: Of course they used a key. It's their car.

Fraser: When I was on Lenny's car, my button accidentally scratched the paint. Now I've just taken a second sample from the wheel well.

Ray: Oh yeah, very pretty.

Fraser: They are identical. Except that this one has a fresh coat of yellow paint.

Ray: You're right. It's still tacky. This is the car.

Fraser: Do you think we can get florensics down here?

Ray: No need. I'll have this puppy impounded in less than an hour.

[27th precinct]

Welsh: Different plates, different color, different vehicle identification number. Am I getting the picture?

Ray: Uh, yes sir but-

Welsh: All of them are legit.

Ray: Apparently so yes sir.

Fraser: Detective Vecchio also has a source that collaborates his theories.

Welsh: And that would be?

Ray: His wolf sir.

Welsh: Ah. Unfortunately wolves are such notoriously bad witnesses. In my experience, they tend to fold under cross examination. Gentlemen. The states attorney has just enough man power to prosecute a small fraction of the cases we bring to them. You can understand how I'd hate to ask them to prosecute a case in which we have no evidence at all.

Fraser: Leftenant...Lenny Millan is a descent young man. He's on parole and he's trying to turn his life around. I'm afraid if I told him there's nothing you can do for him

Welsh: is he a friend of yours?

Fraser: No sir.

Welsh: He's a relative.

Fraser: No.

Fraser: He delivered a pizza to my apartment at Detective Vecchio's request.

Welsh: Oh you ordered the pizza.

Ray: It did not see like a mistake at the time sir.

Welsh: Right. Just like bringing this case to me probably didn't seem like a mistake at the time.

Ray: Well yes sir.

***

Ray: My theory.

Fraser: Well I was just trying to give you credit Ray.

Ray: Okay. I did my good deed. I embarrassed myself to the fullest extinct of the law for you now can I go back to work?

Fraser: Well of course. You did all you could. Thank you Ray.

Ray: Damn he's as bad as his dog!

[juvie detention]

Fits: Hey Milano! What's with the Mountie? Steal some maple syrup? We missed you Lenny. Aw did we hurt your feelings? Ya know you gotta toughen up boy. You don't know what personal hardships you'll run into next time I get my hands on you.

Lenny: Anytime Fits. Anytime.

Fits: looking forward to seeing you Lenny.

Fraser: Is that young man looking to be released soon.

Lenny: No, he's expecting me to come back here.

Fraser: Not everybody, Lenny.

Lenny: Yeah.

Juvie guy: So, a Mountie. What you do Lenny, steal some maple syrup?

Lenny: No sir.

Fraser: I came to vouch for the boy sir.

Juvie guy: And what does he need vouching for?

Lenny: My car got stolen.

Juvie guy: No problem.

Lenny: I might be out of a job for a while.

Juvie guy: Oh boy. Condition 12B of your early release. You maintain employment.

Fraser: Well I'm sure he'll be able to find alternative employment in no time.

Juvie guy: says maintain not reabtain. Milano has to stick to the job he already has.

Fraser: Well he can't deliver pizza without a car sir.

Juvie guy: Sorry. Them's the rules. Lose your job, lose your freedom.

[27th precinct]

Ray: You wanna go under cover.

Fraser: Well I admit, I'm not as familiar with the art of subsifuse as you are Ray. But it appears to be an inside job and I can't see any other way to gather sufficient evidence.

Ray: Okay so what would your cover be?

Fraser: My cover. Well I thought I'd present myself as a chance passerby. Naturally I'd start by removing my hat and any identifying symbols from the uniform.

Ray: Well that would be good because your hat just might give you away.

Fraser: Exactly that's exactly what I felt. And then what I thought I'd do is I would stroll onto the lot and I would introduce myself to the employees and I would ask a few informal questions.

Ray: Such as...

Benny: Does anyone here know the where abouts of a stolen lime green Comet?

Ray nods.

Benny: Anyone seen a stolen car?

Ray nods.

Benny: Any stolen cars around here.

Ray nods.

Benny: Oh! If you've seen a stolen car, please raise your hand.

Ray: Okay, let's go.

Benny: Well, did I say something wrong?

Ray: No. No. Not at all. Just follow me.

Elaine: You're very good.

Fraser: (Spins hat, looks smug.) Thank You.

(Ray holds door for him.)

[across street from Markles]

Fraser: How do I look?

Ray: Rule number one about under cover work. If you don't believe it, they don't believe it. Pretend to be used car salesmen, we are used car salesmen

Fraser: I understand. Excuse me.

Ray: Fraser, you're a car salesman!

Fraser: Well I understand that Ray, I've done this before you know.

Ray: Oh really?

Fraser: Yes. When I was a young scout working on my ecology badge I insinuated myself into a hunting party in order to catch a baby seal killer.

Ray: So what happened?

Fraser: Well, I was clubbed repeatedly, Ray.

[on lot]

Markle: Gentleman. Welcome to Tex Markles Preowned Automobiles. I'm Tex Markles. What can I do for you.

Ray: It's what we can do for you. Roy Vinner. I'd like you to meet my partner Billy Bob Fraser. Maybe you've heard of him. Billy Bob sold more cars in the state of Texas last year

Tex: No kidding. Is that true son?

Fraser: No.

Tex. Huh. That's what I like an honest man. Most people come here give me a line of bull trying to convince me tier something they're not. But I'll tell you, I'm a little short handed right now. You see that old lady over there?

Fraser: I can honestly say I do.

Tex: Good. Well you sell her that piece of junk and you've got yourselves a job. Both of you. Now anything over four hundred dollars you can keep it. Deal?

Ray: Deal.

Tex: Okay.

Ray: Well, well well, you have a keen eye for quality young lady.

Lady: Thank you.

Ray: Would you like to start her up?

Lady: Yes.

Ray: Sounds great huh?

Lady: Yes it does sound great.

Fraser: And I don't think that valve problem will give you any trouble for a few hundred miles.

Ray: Excuse me a moment ma'am.

***

Ray: When people are trying to buy a car they don't need to hear about engine problems.

Fraser: You don't expect me to lie to people do you?

Ray: Who's asking you to lie? Ok, I am. But if we don't lie we don't sell a car. If we don't get a job we can't hang around here to solve the case. And if we don't solve the case, Lenny goes to jail. So if you can't say something untrue, please, don't say anything at all.

Fraser: Alright.

***

Fraser: You picked a fine automobile, ma'am.

Lady: Did you ever drive this car?

Fraser: Yes, yes I did. In a rally race. From Whitehorse to Africa.

Lady: Do you mean you drove this car to Africa?

Fraser: yes. I did. Except for the Atlantic Ocean where where I had to row.

Lady: Are you telling me the truth?

Fraser: No.

Ray: How much do you want to spend?

Lady: One hundred dollars.

Ray: Deal. I'll meet you in the office.

Fraser: Tex wanted four hundred.

Ray: I know. Cough up the other three.

Fraser: Three?

Ray: Yeah. American one hundred dollar bills. Cough em up right now.

***

Ray: We did it Tex. We sold her the car!

[in showroom]

Fraser: Thank you.

Good morning people! I've got a few announcements of importance for everyone so take a minute to listen up, all righty? Uh, item one. Try selling cars. Mr. and Mrs. Markles have made it clear this is something we should be doing. All righty? Item two. We have two new salesmen joining us today. Roy Vinner and Billy Bob Fraser which means less commissions for the rest of us.

Fraser: Hi. Nice to meet you.

Gary: Finally Tex's list for the day. The list is coming around. Read it. These are the cars Tex would like us to push. Nice mark ups which translates into more profits for Tex. Which means a few more crumbs fall on your plate. One hundred dollar bonus for each one sold. That's it people. Oh and hey, be careful out there.

[lot]

Ray: I'm telling you this car is a variable chick magnet. Best car on the lot. 0 to 60 in 5.6 seconds and the paint job goes great with blondes brunettes and red heads.

***

Ray: Okay, come look at this Camaro. Let me help you with that oxygen tank.

***

Tex: What you doing Billy Bob? Billy Bob!

Fraser: Oh yes, that's me.

Tex: Let me take a shot in the dark here. Billy Bob's not your real name is it?

Fraser: No sir. It's Benton.

Tex: Well that's a shame I can see why you'd change it. What the hell were you doing down there?

Fraser: Well I'd rather not say sir.

Tex: Why not?

Fraser: Roy would get mad.

Tex: Well stop messing around under them cars and go and sell me some.

Fraser: Well I'd love to do that sir but I'm not really a car salesman.

Female customer: Excuse me, I'd like to take a test drive.

Car Dealer: Yes, ma'am. Right this way.

Female customer: Uh, no -- with him.

Fraser: Oh, certainly. Uh, which car?

Female customer: All of them.

Tex: Not a car salesman huh?

[sales office]

Ray: Wow! I see you've made salesman of the month eight times in a row.

Gary: Well yeah. You know, being nominated was honor enough.

Ray: Yeah.

Gary: Don't touch it.

Ray: Uh, Markles must be a pretty good employer huh?

Gary: The best. Yeah. As long as you do two thing for him.

Ray: Oh yeah? What's that?

Gary: Sell plenty of cars.

Ray: And?

Gary: Don't ask to many stupid questions.

Ray: Billy Bob! Billy Bob. I figured it out.

Fraser: The specials are all stolen.

Ray: Exactly.

Fraser: They've been striped of everything except the serial numbers including the tires.

Ray: Exactly.

Fraser: And judging from the numbers of coats of paint I'd say each one has been sold and stolen several times over.

***

Ray: You're with me. It's a beauty isn't it.

Lady: Yeah.

***

Fraser: The only thing I don't understand is how they can continually to come up with new Vehicle Identification Numbers.

Ray: I do.

Fraser: You do?

Ray: Yeah and if you hadn't been out test driving all the cars on the lot you'd know too.

Fraser: You know I'm beginning to suspect that young woman wasn't interested in buying a car.

Ray: sigh. Dashboards.

Fraser: Dashboards?

Ray: Yeah. I found half a dozen out back in the dumpster. All missing VIN plates.

Fraser: And at the rate they're exchanging them then they must have quiet a number on the premises.

Ray: Um hum follow me.

Fraser: You know where they are?

Ray: I do but I'm going to need some help getting in there.

Fraser: You need me to create a distraction?

Ray: No, Billy Bob, I need you to be a distraction.

Fraser: How do you mean?

[Tammy's office]

Tammy: Oh hi there Billy Bob.

Fraser: Please. Call me Fraser, Mrs. Markles.

Tammy: and you can call me Tammy.

Fraser: Good. Good.

Tammy: so, what can I do for you?

Fraser: Well uh what I um shat I think I what I think I um uh I don't know.

Tammy: Really? Well you know, I've been thinking you got the right stuff to be employee of the week.

Fraser: Well that's that's flattering but I haven't sold any cars.

Tammy: well now employee of the week isn't just about selling cars.

Fraser: Of course not. No. No I'd imagine it's about loyalty and uh dedication and uh trust worthiness.

Tammy: You're trust worthy aren't you Billy Bob?

Fraser: I'm I'm trying not to be.

Tammy: You know what? If we're gonna dance, we might as well hold onto each other. My husband only has time for his work. He really doesn't understand me Billy Bob. But you do don't ya?

Fraser: Uh no actually I don't think I do.

Tammy: well I think you do.

Fraser: Oh yes, now uh now I do.

Tammy: Now you keep your eyes closed.

Fraser: Yes, I'd prefer that.

Tammy: Now you can look.

Fraser: No, I really can't

[from outside] Tex: Stop him!

Fraser: Oh an emergency. I'm sorry, what a shame.

[lot]

Tex: Call the police. That kids stealing my car.

Something I can help you with?

Ray: I was looking for the keys to the skylark. Thank you.

Tex: Don't scratch the paint!

Tex: Will you help him!

[Fraser jumps in front of Lenny's speeding car]

Lenny: Get out of my way, stupid Mountie!

Tex: [to Fraser] Great work Billy Bob. [to cop] Arrest that man officer.

Lenny: But it's my car.

Fraser: I know.

Tex: What an employee. That's what I need more salesman who'll throw themselves in front of a car for me. Gary, give him one of your plaques.

[juvie jail]

Lenny: Looks like I'll be here for a while.

Fraser: I'm sorry you have to stay here.

Lenny: I've been in worst places. Looks like I'm going back to one. I blew it huh?

Fraser: Dispositional hearing isn't till Friday, it's not over yet.

Lenny: Look it's not that I don't appreciate your help or anything but yeah, it is over. Looks like Fits was right. Things always come back around and around and around.

Fraser: You know, Lenny, I'm a man who believes in destiny. But it's a destiny of your own choosing. Just because a trail leads one way doesn't mean you can't cut your own path.

Lenny: Looks like mine leads right over a cliff.

Fraser's: Cliffs are for climbing, Lenny. That's why God gave us grappling hooks.

***

[Riv]

Ray: First you want to go under cover, now you talk me into this thing?

Fraser: Well we have to catch them in the act Ray.

Ray: Ya see here's the tricky thing about sting operations. They require money, resources and a lot more manpower than you me and a wolf.

Fraser: That's why we have our third man.

***

[Frannie is in the lot, the guys are in the Riv]

Frannie: Can you read me?

Fraser: Loud and clear. Oh, um, once again, I'm terribly sorry about the confusion.

I-I thought you understood my intention.

Frannie: Don't worry, really. I've forgotten all about it.

***

Frannie: (to woman) Let me ask you something.

If a guy asks if you're busy tonight, he's asking you out, right?

Woman: Yeah, I'd think so.

Frannie: Yeah, so would I. You seen a salesman?

***

Ray: One hundred women in my black book and you had to call my sister.

Fraser: Well, sorry but it was the only current number.

Ray: Ok, can we go over this drill one more time? No departmental approval means we're on our own and being on our own means?

Frannie: No back up.

Ray: No. We're using my money and using my money means we're buying a cheap car. You find Tex. You ask him what the specials are and you buy the cheapest car on the lot.

Frannie: I know, you know you've told me this a hundred times already. I think I picked up on most of the subtlety of the plan.

Ray: Yeah just buy the kids comet.

Frannie: Stop treating me like a child, okay? I know what I'm doing.

Fraser: Here he comes.

Tex: Hello little lady. Welcome to Tex Markles Fine Pre-owned Automobile. I'm Tex Markle and how can I help you?

Ray: I'm lookin for a car! I'm looking for a car!

Frannie: I'm looking for a car.

Tex: Well, you've certainly come to the right place. You have anything specific in mind?

Ray: Something cheap.

Frannie: Ohhhh, I don't know.

Ray: What do you mean you don't know. Buy the comet. Buy the comet.

Frannie: A corvette?

Ray: Comet! C-O-M--(hit hit hit) is this thing working?

Frannie: One of the really expensive ones.

Ray: You keep this up and I'm gonna let Fraser read your diary.

Frannie: Oh! Look at that comet. That's adorable!

Tex: Comet is a great car. Solid dependable automobile. Yes , as a matter of fact uh, we-we got this little baby marked right down. We can, uh, let you have it for about, uh, six hundred dollars?

Ray: Three hundred, tell him three. Tell him three!

Frannie: Six it is.

Ray: What is the matter with you? Did we not go over this plan? Did we not set in a room and go over this plan?

***

Ray: That was suppose to be a flash roll.

Frannie: Yeah, well consider it a payback.

Ray: For what?

Frannie: You killed my hamster.

Ray: Yeah--twenty years ago.

Fraser: You killed her hamster, Ray?

Ray: How was I suppose to know they couldn't swim.

***

Fraser: Ray, we've got company. Black sedan at six o'clock.

Ray: All right, pull over and I'll set the homing device.

Frannie: Oh! It was premeditated murder. Just admit it.

Ray: Okay, I admit it now pull over.

Frannie: I'm over. [into a car wash that is washing]

Ray: Ready?

Fraser: Ready.

Ray: Gimme the keys. Gimme the keys. Okay now I'm gonna be riding in the trunk.

Fraser: What about the homing device.

Ray: There's no time. Watch this.

Fraser: No, no, no, Ray, I don't know about this. Ray, you're going to be inside the trunk pulling down.

Frannie: Will you just get in the trunk already?

Ray: Trust me, this contraption has saved me hundreds of dollars at the drive in movies.

Fraser: You alright?

Ray: I think I got ripped off. The trunk leaks. Yeow, jeeze this stuffs hot.

***

[outside Vecchio home]

Fraser: Ray

Ray: Code names! We're on an open frequency here.

Fraser: (sigh) Penguin to Stallion, come in Stallion.

Ray: Stallion here.

Fraser: All right, the ferrets have gone around twice. Here they come again.

Ray: Who?

Fraser: The car thieves.

***

Frannie: I'm ready. Let's go.

Fraser: Uh, Ray, we've got trouble, there's a fox in the cave.

Ray: What?

Fraser: Your sister is in the car!

Ray: Get her out of here!

Fraser: Uh, I'm afraid you'll have to leave. This could become dangerous.

Frannie: You have a cork screw? Oh, that's all right, it's a twist off.

Fraser: I-uh-I don't mean to sound ingracious and it's not that I don't appreciate the offer.

Ray: Hot hors d'oervres. I'm suffocating and you're serving him a buffet?

Frannie: You stay out of this Gelding.

Ray: Stallion.

Frannie: Yeah, in your dreams.

Fraser: Uh, Stallion, the ferret is in the forest.

Ray: What?

Frannie: The car thief is coming your way. Escargot?

Fraser: We're right behind you Stallion.

Ray: Now don't get too close, we don't want to scare these guys off.

Fraser: We don't want to lose you.

Frannie: Oh, come on. Would you mind peeling me a shrimp?

Fraser: You just turned again. Which way did you turn?

Ray: What am I, a Mountie? Right, left, I'm in the trunk for crying out loud.

Fraser: Just tell me what you hear.

Ray: I hear my head smashing against the side of the trunk. Damn! There's another one.

Fraser: Speed bumps. Turn right.

Frannie: Can you sorta take the wheel for a moment? I have my hands full. I can't really serve and drive now can I? Gazpacho?

Fraser: Uh, he's breaking up, might I suggest we increase our speed?

Frannie: Oh.

Ray: Will you floor it, Franchesca?

Frannie: All right! You want garlic butter on your upholstery.

Fraser: Ray. I think he's out of range. Ray!

Ray: The car has stopped. They shut off the engine. I can hear voices. All right, I can't wait for you guys I'm coming out. 3-2-1. Damn. Stupid.

***

Gary: Venner! I knew there wasn't something right about that guy.

Tammy: Get rid of him.

Ray: False alarm. We're moving again.

Fraser: Ray, the driver never got back in.

Frannie: Uh, oh.

Ray: I think they're getting the car washed again. I don't think they use fresh water at this place. And they sure are using a lot. Too much. Way too much. Fraser!

Frannie: We've got the wrong place. Fraser: No we don't. Get the keys to the comet. Get the escargot.

Frannie: You think he'll be hungry?

Fraser: Where are they? Where are the keys? [they start searching for the keys]

Frannie: They're in my wallet.

Fraser: Give me the keys.

Frannie: Ok, my wallet, where's my wallet. They're not in my coat, they're not in my wallet. [Fraser jumps into the water] Picnic basket. In the other pocket. Okay, I know where it is. There is no pocket. Oh - my blue purse. They're in this pocket. Ho!

Okay. I can't uh find the keys.

***

Ray: Ugh! Ugh!

Fraser: Ray? Ray?

Ray: Fraser, Fraser. I don't think that was a car wash.

Fraser: No, Ray. We need a blanket.

Frannie: Well I only have my good one.

Ray: Get the blanket.

Fraser: You okay?

Ray: Yeah.

Frannie: Okay, so where we going?

Ray: You're going home. Did you see who it was?

Fraser: No, they took off before we got there.

Ray: I say we go to the dealership and arrest the whole damn bunch.

Fraser: That would be an injustice, Ray.

Ray: You want to see an injustice, take a look at my suit.

Frannie: Look at my blanket.

Ray: Shut up.

***

Tex: Hey Tammy where's the keys to the Mustang. Tammy.

Tammy: Get em yourself.

Tex: What the heck. What are you doing?

Tammy: What the heck does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking everything you own and I'm leaving you, you jerk.

Tex: Why?

Tammy: Well because I've been selling stolen cars that's why.

Tex: Don't lie to me. There's another man, isn't there?

Tammy: Good God where have you been? There's been dozen's of them.

Tex: Where have you been. Well forget it. You can break my heart but you can't steal my money.

Tammy: You haven't got the guts.

Ray: Okay drop it.

Tammy: Thank God you're here. He's gone crazy. He's going to kill me.

Ray: Drop the gun Tex, you're under arrest.

Tex: But she's stealing my money.

Ray: I said drop it.

Fraser: he didn't do it Ray.

Ray: He's the one with the gun.

Fraser: But she's the one with the algea on her shoes.

Ray: Okay, freeze.

Fraser: She couldn't have done it alone.

Ray: Freeze. Gary?

Fraser: Gary.

Gary: Put you hands in the air.

Tammy: Gary darling. Shoot em. Shoot em all.

Tex: Can't believe this you're leaving me for for a a salesman?

Tammy: Shoot him first.

Gary: No Tammy, we're not going to shoot anybody. We're just gonna tie em up and get on a plane and get out of here.

Tammy: Oh good God you're as big a coward as he is. Well never mind. I'll just give your ticket to someone else.

Gary: She hit my watch.

Fraser: It's a superficial wound. Can you watch him till the police come?

Tex: Sure

Fraser: Thank you.

Tammy: You're tempting the wrong person Billy Bob.

Ray: Dead?

Tammy: [stunned] I hate men.

Fraser: No. Just disappointed.

Ray: What is wrong with you?

Fraser: Pardon me?

Ray: What the hell is wrong with you. She almost killed you in there. Didn't you think she'd flatten you here?

Fraser: Oh I knew she was prepared to kill me.

Ray: Well then why did you stand there?

Fraser: Well I heard you coming. I had to keep her attention fixed on me long enough so you would intervene.

Ray: But what if I didn't.

Fraser: Well I knew you would take the car parked next to hers and the Plymoth excells two seconds faster over the quarter mile than the Cadillac.

Ray: I took the Chevy.

Fraser: Oh. Oh well. You know you really should tell me next time.

Ray: Tell you what?

Fraser: I mean if you're going to change a plan like that. I was standing in front of a car, Ray.

Ray: Plan? Plan? What plan? You mean to tell me there were two cars to choose from alright you're telling me I took the wrong car.

Fraser: No apologies necessary. It's already forgotten.

Ray: do we have to pay for these cars?

Fraser: I would imagine so. Yes.

Ray: Welsh is gonna have my butt.

***

[in Riv]

Fraser: Twenty-nine minutes Ray.

Ray: Okay, Okay I don't need a count down

Lenny: Okay this is the twelve hundred block. It's got to be around here someplace.

Ray: Can you believe these skin flints? They couldn't have just ordered from across the street?

Fraser: Maybe they wanted the perfect pizza at a perfect price.

Ray: Sixteen bucks? I'm not paying. You're job kid. You pay.

Lenny: Why should I pay. You're driving.

Fraser: and I'm afraid I left my wallet in the lake Ray.

Ray: What about him?

Fraser: Well I don't like to touch his savings account.

Lenny: Just tell em you couldn't find the building.

Ray: Oh yeah, that'll convince em.

End