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********Opening Gambit is missing. ********
[Fraser and Welsh are stopped on the side of the road]
Harding Welsh: He graduates from the Police Academy, he works a year in Chicago, and he comes up here to Nowheresville to take the sheriff's job. A real waste of some great training.
Fraser: I wasn't aware you had a brother, sir.
Harding Welsh: Anyway, he calls me an' he's freaking out. It seems there's a crime wave here in Nowheresville. I mean..uh..arson at the local factory, stores being broken into, somebody's trying to sabotage the local baseball team.
Well after I stopped laughing...
Fraser: You find it funny, sir?
Harding Welsh: Yeah, well, after you've seen fourteen year olds killed by hypos, yeah.
Fraser: Point taken.
Harding Welsh: It's vandalism, y'know, bleachers collapsing...uh...somebody's poisoning the food concession - stuff like that.
Fraser: That does sound somewhat serious, sir.
Harding Welsh: Oh that's why we're here - we're the pros from Dover. I figure we could wrap this up maybe in an hour. [Pause] Constable - can I ask your advice?
Fraser: My advice sir?
Harding Welsh: Yeah, your advice.
Fraser: If I can help...
Harding Welsh: If you had somebody you were trying to forgive, no matter how hard you tried to forgive 'em, you just couldn't forgive 'em. What would you do?
Fraser: Keep trying, sir.
[Corridor outside office. Paramedics are taking injured accountant away on a gurney]
Paramedic1: Alright let's go.
Paramedic2: Excuse me folks, can we get through here?
Wilson Welsh: Yeah thanks
Paramedic1: Watch your backs!
Huck Bogart: What the hell is going on? The players are walking off the field!
Wilson Welsh: There's been a robbery, Huck. They got the payroll.
Olivia: And Hector has been hurt.
Huck Bogart: Who cares? We're ahead 6-1, we forfeit the game!
Olivia: A man is hurt, Huck.
Huck Bogart: He's not a man, he's an accountant! Look, we gotta find money. 2 games to 3000 and I can't win 'em by myself.
[He leaves as the mayor enters]
Olivia: Winston.
Winston Cohoon: Olivia, are you alright?
Olivia: I'd b a damn sight better if we had a sheriff with some stones!
Wilson Welsh: Hey!
Winston Cohoon: I'm going to do something about that, Olivia.
Wilson Welsh: Thankyou for your support, Mr Mayor.
Winston Cohoon: Look, I've done everything I can for you, Welsh, but nobody's gonna stand for this anymore. We already lost Johanson's lumbermill to arson, that department store closed after that last robbery. What the hell do you
expect me to do? Keep you on, 'til every business we have is run out of town?
Wilson Welsh: I told you, I've called for outside help. Experts in the field.
Winston Cohoon: Yeah.
[Back to car by roadside]
Harding Welsh: An' your dogs got the bladder the size of a Zeppelin.
Fraser: Salty food. I can't seem to keep him away from it.
[Fraser notices a suspicious looking van]
Harding Welsh: You see something?
[At the van, some men are unloading money into a car. They are armed. Fraser appears beside one]
Fraser: How do you do?
[He disarms the man. Another man takes aim at Fraser, and Diefenbaker pushes Fraser out of the way just as the bullet was about to take his head off. The car takes off. One man who was left behind is brought down by Welsh]
Harding Welsh: Hello!
[The man begins bawling]
Harding Welsh: You get a number?
Fraser: Yes I did.
[Sheriff's office. Wilson Welsh is on the phone]
Wilson Welsh: Mm hmm they were heading east out of town - not that that means anything. Yeah, just have your troopers keep an eye out for me Walt. Thankyou.
[Harding Welsh enters]
Wilson Welsh: Harding.
Harding Welsh: Wilson.
Wilson Welsh: What happened to your foot?
Harding Welsh: Ah a junkie. Chicago.
Wilson Welsh: What happened to the junkie?
Harding Welsh: Well they had to wire his jaw.
Wilson Welsh: Gum?
Harding Welsh: Sure. So these are your headquarters, huh?
Wilson Welsh: Yeah, just like the city only smaller. Uh...Bernie. Get on out in the truck, stop on the interstate will you? See if anybody saw anything.
Bernie: You got it chief.
[Bernie leaves, and she looks remarkably like Frannie]
Harding Welsh: Hey, who's that? She's...
Wilson Welsh: Deputy - like a detective y'know, just like the city.
[*Knock* Fraser enters]
Fraser: Gentlemen.
Harding Welsh: Here it is. The stadium payroll.
Fraser: And I imagine you'll be wanting to speak with this fellow.
Harding Welsh: The other two got away but we got a good look at them.
Wilson Welsh: Rusty Barnstead. What have you got yourself into this time?
Rusty Barnstead: * sobs *
Harding Welsh: You know this guy?
Rusty Barnstead: [while sobbing] I'm sorry sheriff. I...I...
[In the cell area]
Harding Welsh: He gonna stop crying?
Wilson Welsh: He's upset.
Harding Welsh: Yeah, he wasn't upset when he cracked that guy's skull in.
Wilson Welsh: Can I talk to you for a minute?
[Outside the cells]
Wilson Welsh: I walked Rusty to school on his very first day, okay? Y'know I live with these people, it's a community. You can't come here and terrorise them!
Harding Welsh: You called me for help.
Wilson Welsh: And I want your help, but this is Willison. It's not Chicago, you gotta respect that.
Harding Welsh: You called me to help with your job, okay? I got my methods.
If you can live with them - fine, I'll help you out. If not - I'm outta here.
Wilson Welsh: You just haven't outgrown it have you?
Harding Welsh: What's that?
Wilson Welsh: Competing with me.
Harding Welsh: Competing for what?
Wilson Welsh: Everything. For..for Susie Delesson. For who's gonna be quarterback on the football team. For who can sit on the railroad tracks the longest.
Harding Welsh: Oh I always could stay the longest.
Wilson Welsh: For Dad's approval.
Harding Welsh: I never needed his approval.
Wilson Welsh: Oh no?
Harding Welsh: No. Let me tell you something. How could I possibly compete with all of this?
Wilson Welsh: I was hoping for more that that, y'know. I was....I was hoping that....
[He spies Fraser in the doorway]
Wilson Welsh: Forget it.
Fraser: It turns out that Rusty met the other two men in a bar three days before the robbery, and they were looking for a driver who was familiar with the area so I think we can assume that they were from out of town. I have taken
the liberty of removing his belt, his laces, and his wristwatch and I also took the liberty of placing him into holding cell number 1. And I would respectfully suggest that we get over to the stadium as quickly as possible.
[He leaves. Wilson looks astounded]
Harding Welsh: He's Canadian.
Wilson Welsh: Oh.
[In the locker room. The players are present, so is Woody the team mascot. Huck is furious.]
Huck Bogart: Someone is trying to screw me, plain and simple! [He throws something] How many wins did Sour Peaggio have?
Woody: 2973.
Huck Bogart: That's right! [Throws something else] And Jack McDonna?
Woody: 2999.
Huck Bogart: That's right! [Throws something else] Did anybody ever go 3000?
Woody: No boss.
Huck Bogart: That's right! Nobody - because that record is mine. Mine!
[The players look petrified and leave]
Huck Bogart: Look - now my players are walking out. Well get thee running!
[To Woody] Get me a coffee.
Woody: What?
Huck Bogart: Coffee! Please?
Woody: As you wish sir.
[As he goes to leave, Diefenbaker enters barking swiftly followed by Fraser and the Welsh brothers]
Huck Bogart: What the hell is that?
Fraser: Terribly sorry sir, his name is Diefenbaker - he's half wolf. Well, as a pup he was mauled by a wolverine with a goitre. I can only assume that...well I think it's the outfit the mascot is wearing seems to have made him relive
the event.
Huck Bogart: And who the hell are you?
Wilson Welsh: Huck, this is Lt. Harding Welsh of the Chicago Police Department and this in Constable Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. He first came to Illinois on the trail of his father's killer and
for a number of interesting reasons has stayed...
Fraser: Attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate.
Huck Bogart: You're kidding me.
Fraser: No sir, I'm not.
Huck Bogart: Welsh. You any relation to him?
Harding Welsh: Yeah, I'm his brother.
Huck Bogart: Hope you're not as thick as he is cause if you are we should just start walking backwards now.
Harding Welsh: You keep talking mulch mouth...
Fraser: Sir please - this is a community.
Wilson Welsh: Thankyou.
Fraser: Mr Bogart, if what I overheard is accurate you believe that the attacks on the team are directed at you personally? Do you have any reason for this?
Huck Bogart: Yeah I got a reason. [Takes a note out of his hat] This was on my desk this morning.
Fraser: [Reads from the note] You'll never reach 3000.
Huck Bogart: Two games left to 3000, and now I got no team!
[Outside the stadium the players are leaving]
Olivia: Fellas - can I talk to you for a minute? Please - just for a minute. Thankyou. Look I understand how you feel. You hired on here to play baseball, not to be a part of some nightmare side-show, I understand that. My late husband
loved this ballteam and his last wish when he was dying was that we win the pennant. And I promised him we would. Now obviously that's not gonna happen this year, but there's always the future, right? So I'm begging ya - stick with
me, please. Two more games. Finish the season. Cause I have a feeling next year is gonna be our year.
Player: Sing us another tune sweetheart.
[The players leave]
Wilson Welsh: [To Olivia] Look, we recovered the money. It's in the office.
Olivia: Fellas! One more thing. Your payroll - it's in the office.
All: Yeah!
[Huck talks to one of the players, Kelly Olsen]
Huck Bogart: Son I need to talk to you in the locker room.
Kelly Olsen: Sure thing skipper.
[They go inside]
Kelly Olsen: You can't sit me down!
Huck Bogart: Put yourself in my position. Y'got two games left to break the record and the guy on first is hitting 189. What would you do? You put in Constantino.
Kelly Olsen: You miserable bastard. You know there's a scout from the Yankees coming to look at me!
Huck Bogart: Okay, you wanna play hardball, let me show you how to play hardball. They don't have to see you play to know that you're an over the hill lump who's hitting twenty points below his own bodyweight. Them's the breaks. That's
baseball.
[Outside]
Harding Welsh: Fraser, I gotta get off this foot.
Wilson Welsh: We can go out to my spread
[Wilson's place - a caravan]
Fraser: It's a beautiful setting for a spread.
Harding Welsh: Yeah. Nice spread.
[Diefenbaker is sniffing some rubber flamingos]
Fraser: Leave them! He has a phobia about pink flamingos.
[They go inside]
Fraser: Very nice. Beautiful woodwork.
Harding Welsh: It's a little small.
Wilson Welsh: Well I..uh..I got plans to build something y'know but uh.....what you got a big place in Chicago?
Harding Welsh: No. Nah, just about the same size.
Wilson Welsh: Well..uh..I'll get the mug book.
Fraser: [Looking at photo on wall] Is this your father sir?
Harding Welsh: Yeah
Fraser: He looks very proud.
Harding Welsh: Yeah it was the proudest day of his life - when Wilson graduated from the police academy. When I graduated he couldn't make it.
Wilson Welsh: He was sick that day.
Harding Welsh: If there was a two-for-one sale at the liquor store he would've been there on a stretcher.
Wilson Welsh: C'mon Harding. Give him a break, huh? He's an old man now. He's broken down, he's sick. Just let it go.
Harding Welsh: I let him go a long time ago.
Wilson Welsh: Here's the mug book.
Harding Welsh: Mug book? This is a mug page. You got a crime wave going here and you got no criminals?
Wilson Welsh: Got no criminals cause I done a damn good job here the last twenty years.
Harding Welsh: Yeah well maybe me an Fraser go back to Chicago and let you handle it by yourself.
Wilson Welsh: Constable do you...
Fraser: [Obviously very uncomfortable] No not at all [He leaves]
Wilson Welsh: Now look. I'm two years from retirement. I'm about to lose my job. I don't mind telling you it scares the hell outta me. I thought you might wanna help, but if all you wanna do is make fun of what a small-town loser I
am - well then why don't you go on back to your big-time cop shop. I'm going for a walk.
[He leaves and Fraser re-enters]
Fraser: Sir, I've been thinking.
Harding Welsh: This better have something to do with baseball.
Fraser: Oh, of course. It occurs to me that since this is a small town and news travels fast that our presence here is likely known. I think we should consider the introduction of a third party unknown to the town who could infiltrate
the clubhouse and report to us from the inside.
Harding Welsh: And that would be...?
[ Roadside. The camera pans up from a pair of well-worn boots, blue jeans, a poncho, and finally to Ray Kowalski's face which is looking dead cool. Cut to inside a car.]
Fraser: Your name will be Ace Leary.
Ray Kowalski: Man I've gone to some lengths to ditch a date but this is new.
Fraser: The relationship didn't work then?
Ray Kowalski: Well then plane barely touched down in Acapulco and she took off with this guy who was selling ponchos on the street.
Fraser: Oh. So you didn't get the girl then.
Ray Kowalski: Nah. Got this poncho.
Fraser: It's very fetching.
Ray Kowalski: You realise I haven't swung a bat in years, Fraser.
Fraser: You used to work out with the Cubs, didn't you?
Ray Kowalski: Yeah, but that was a long time ago.
Fraser: Well they're only looking for someone who can hit 380.
Ray Kowalski: 380?
Fraser: Mm hmm.
Ray Kowalski: They think I can hit 380?
Fraser: Mm hmm.
Ray Kowalski: I'm dead.
Fraser: Oh no. You can do it. It's sort of like riding a bicycle, you never really forget, do you?
Ray Kowalski: Look, I was exaggerating Fraser, I was embellishing. Haven't you ever exaggerated or embellished?
Fraser: No. And in any case it's only for a couple of games. The main thing is that you find the saboteur. And if you really don't want to play I'm sure the manager will come up with some excuse to keep you on the bench.
Ray Kowalski: What are you saying? That I can't cut it? I...I can cut it.
[In locker room]
Player: Name's Bubba Dean. Welcome to the funhouse.
[He slaps Ray on the butt. Ray looks worried. Ray begins undressing.]
Constantino: So - you're the hotshot from the great white North, eh? Where'd you play?
Ray Kowalski: Uh...uh...Moosejaw.
Constantino: Huck says you've been hitting 380. What do they throw down there anyway? Curve balls, sliders, fast balls, fork balls, hmmm?
Ray Kowalski: Hah! Mostly..uh...snowballs.
Constantino: Well down here they throw heaves.
[He leaves. Ray bends down to remove his underpants, and as he does so, he sees a pair of feet. Looking up, he sees they belong to a woman who looks uncannily like Thatcher.]
Toni Lake: Ace Leary?
Ray Kowalski: Um..
Toni Lake: Toni Lake. Action sports. [To camera] Ace Leary. Somewhat of a mystery man signed out of the Canadian league. Ace, are you concerned at all about fitting in with this new league so late in the season?
Ray Kowalski: Uh..I just want to go out there and help the team in any way I can. Look, can I put some clothes on for this?
Toni Lake: Don't worry sweetheart. Unless you Canadians have something I haven't already seen.
Ray Kowalski: Uh...Y'know I'm gonna take it ...uh....y'know game by game and go out there and do my best and try not to play with myself. I....I mean, play within myself.
[Switch to corridor outside Olivia's office. Fraser is about to knock but hears...]
Olivia: There's a lot of towns out there who'd love to have the Hawkeyes.
Winston Cohoon: Olivia, let's be honest. The team is practically bankrupt. I'm just trying to bail you out and give the town a boost at the same time.
Olivia: No you're not. You're trying to screw me. Well go ahead, Buster....
* knock *
Olivia: Come in. Constable Fraser, what a nice surprise.
Fraser: Ma'am
Olivia: Oh, this is Winston Cohoon, our Mayor.
F: Ah, pleased to meet you sir.
Winston Cohoon: Nice to meet you.
Olivia: The Mayor and I were just discussing a business transaction.
Fraser: So I heard.
Olivia: Oh. Well, y'know - small towns. We know everybody. We can speak frankly.
Fraser: This is true. Although you know, I have heard young ladies on the streets of Chicago discussing business deals in very similar terms.
Winston Cohoon: Don't tell me. Let me guess. You're from Canada.
Fraser: Why yes sir, I am.
Winston Cohoon: I love it up there. As a matter of fact the counsel and I were just talking about the possibility of setting up a cultural exchange with...er....Medicine Jaw.
Fraser: Medicine Hat?
Winston Cohoon: Yeah, that's the place. Uh...we could send them a couple of blocks of Illinois cheese and they could send us some...uh...beaver meat or something in return.
Diefenbaker: * growl *
Fraser: Oh I'm sorry. Diefenbaker feels a particular kinship with the beaver. It's as if we were discussing, well, eating a member of the family.
Winston Cohoon: I see.
Olivia: Constable Fraser is here with a team of Chicago detectives.
Winston Cohoon: Oh you're the pros that Welsh brought down.
Fraser: That is correct, yes.
Winston Cohoon: How's it going?
Fraser: We have some very good leads and we're confident that we will be able to apprehend the men who stole the payroll.
Winston Cohoon: Good, its about time we got some decent policework in this town and glad to meet ya. Oh hey, listen...uh...you want a block of cheese - you just call my office.
Fraser: Oh thank you kindly. Y'know oddly, I have been thinking about cheese lately.
Winston Cohoon: Yeah [He leaves]
Olivia: So. You are gonna put a stop to this, aren't you?
Fraser: Well, we are trying our best Ma'am. Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Olivia: Shoot.
Fraser: You are considering selling the team?
Olivia: Well, I'm..uh...I'm in negotiation.
[The ball park. Constantino is practising with the pitching machine.]
Huck Bogart: My mothers got a better swing than that. She's been dead twenty years!
[The pitching machine goes crazy.]
Constantino: Aaargh!
[A ball hits him. Huck and Ray run to help. Fraser is walking by.]
Ray Kowalski: Red! Red! Shut it off! Shut it off! Switch on the side! Switch on the side of the machine!
[Fraser pulls out the plug.]
Ray Kowalski: Or you could do it that way.
Constantino: I think my arm's broken.
Huck Bogart: Hey birdbrain. You got ten dollars?
Woody: Sure Huck.
Huck Bogart: Alright. Call a cab and get Rome to the hospital. What the hell happened?
Ray Kowalski: Uh... someone must've been screwing with the machine.
Huck Bogart: You're kidding me. Would that be what made the pitching machine change into a gallon gun?
Ray Kowalski: What is that?
Fraser: That's sarcasm, Ace.
Ray Kowalski: That's what I thought.
Fraser: It would appear that there's a crucial gear missing.
Huck Bogart: There's gonna be some heads missing some gears too, I don't find out who did this. Woody. You were in early. Who did this?
Woody: It was fine this morning, Huck. Domingo, Constantino and Anderson all took BP.
Huck Bogart: Olsen!
Kelly Olsen: Yes skipper?
Huck Bogart: You're back in the lineout. Let's see if you can remember how to hit a baseball.
Constantino: You. You did this to me, huh?
Kelly Olsen: What the hell for?
Constantino: Get your place back in the lineout.
Kelly Olsen: You're full of crap, Constantino.
Huck Bogart: Boys, boys. We got work to do.
Ray Kowalski: [Aside to Fraser] You like Olsen for this?
Fraser: Well he does seem to have motive, although I fail to see how he could have predicted that the injury would fall to Constantino.
Ray Kowalski: Timing. Constantino was first up after lunch. Everybody knew that.
[Sheriff's office.]
Harding Welsh: So what've you been doing?
Wilson Welsh: I have been talking to people.
Harding Welsh: You get information that way?
Wilson Welsh: Usually.
Harding Welsh: Oh. What'd you get this time?
Wilson Welsh: Not much.
Harding Welsh: Well I picked up a phone with a certain tone of voice, and my guy on the other end jumped. Turns out that Grey cape car was stolen in Chicago the night before the robbery. We found it on the South side this morning.
Now, I got the mug books coming over. These guys were pros, they might be in the system. That's what I've been doing.
[Locker room. Ray is investigating Olsen's locker. Woody comes in.]
Woody: You looking for something?
[Ray stuffs his find inside his shirt]
Ray Kowalski: Uh....all these lockers, they...uh...look the same.
Woody: Yeah. That's probably why Kelly has that bigass picture of himself on his.
Ray Kowalski: Oh yeah.
[Outside the stadium]
Ray Kowalski: This is the gear, right?
Fraser: Yes, it is. It's odd he would leave it in his locker though.
Ray Kowalski: Well, so he's a dofus. Olsen's still gotta be our man.
Wilson Welsh: Y'know, I've known Kelly a long time. He's done a lot of good for the town, y'know - always been there for charity work.
Harding Welsh: So what are you saying. A guy does charity he can't have a little ambition?
Wilson Welsh: No, but I don't think he'd hurt anybody.
Harding Welsh: Well then we'll eliminate him as a suspect, alright?
Wilson Welsh: Look, all I'm saying is that I think we ought to move slowly, y'know he's a very popular guy in the community.
Harding Welsh: Alright, but the way I work it is you have motive and means, you have some evidence, you pick the guy up. Now what's it gonna be?
Wilson Welsh: We'll pick him up.
[Olivia's office]
Huck Bogart: How the hell am I supposed to win the game? Olsen's not much, but he's all I got and you got him sitting in a cell!
Wilson Welsh: That's where you go when you break the law, Huck.
Huck Bogart: C'mon! It was a prank.
Fraser: It was a prank that could have resulted in someone's death.
Huck Bogart: You grow up in a public service announcement? Olsen didn't get to the clubhouse until five minutes before practice. No way he could've fixed that machine.
Harding Welsh: Can he prove it?
Olivia: He was with me all morning.
Huck Bogart & Wilson Welsh: Doing what?
Olivia: Contract negotiations.
Winston Cohoon: Are you seriously suggesting that Kelly Olsen is responsible for all this sabotage?
Wilson Welsh: Uh...
Huck Bogart: He's got an alibi. Let him play ball!
Wilson Welsh: Y'know, I...I think. I mean...
Harding Welsh: He had motive. He had opportunity. He goes in front of the judge.
Winston Cohoon: Wilson?
Wilson Welsh: He goes in front of the judge.
Winston Cohoon: Welsh. If you continue to hold this man, I'll have your badge.
Wilson Welsh: Well you'll have my badge then.
[Sheriff's office]
Wilson Welsh: The shots from Chicago.
Fraser: Assuming that Kelly's alibi holds up, we can conclude that he was framed, and it's likely that whoever framed him is behind the other acts of sabotage. Shall we? [He gestures to the mug books]
Harding Welsh: Oh that's one of them right here. Alvin Kapinkis. You gotta fax machine?
[Cut to Huey and Dewy sitting in a car with the picture]
Dewy: Heads up. That's him.
Huey: Whatd'ya know. Dacapo. Very nice.
[They leave the car to go arrest the suspects]
Dewy: Y'know what the real cause of air pollution is?
Huey: What's that?
Dewy: Not cars. Lawnmowers.
[Dewy is nearly hit by a car]
Driver: Hey! Watch where you're going, jerk!
[They reach the suspects]
Huey: Don't move!
Dewy: How do you do? Huh?
Huey: Get out of the car. Get out!
Dewy: You got a permit for this?
Kapinkis: Yeah I do.
Huey: Power mowers?
[In Winston Welsh's car]
* Phone rings *
Wilson Welsh: Sheriff Welsh.
Dewy: May I speak with Lt. Welsh, please?
Harding Welsh: Yeah, go ahead Detective.
Dewy: Lt. We got Kapinkis and his buddy, Bobby Laterno, and..uh..one of them was carrying a phone number written on a coaster from the Chiltingham hotel in Chicago, but the number is in your area code.
Harding Welsh: Yeah?
Dewy: It's a payphone at the Willison ballpark.
Fraser: Is it 555-0104?
Dewy: Yeah.
Fraser: It's the..uh..phone in the concourse outside Olivia's office. I have a head for figures.
Wilson Welsh: It's Olivia.
Fraser: Does she have a motive?
Wilson Welsh: Yeah, I think I can come up with one.
Harding Welsh: * laughs *
Wilson Welsh: What?
Harding Welsh: Oh Wilson. You are so needy around women.
Wilson Welsh: It's just that Olivia and I ....
Harding Welsh: Yeah, yeah. I rest my case.
[Outside the ballpark. Hector Proule is there with a bandage on his head]
Harding Welsh: Ah, Mr Proule. You're working today? You must be feeling better.
Herbert Proule: Got plenty to do, so I thought I might as well come in and work as lie in bed and worry about it.
Wilson Welsh: Where's Olivia?
Herbert Proule: Chicago.
Fraser: You know when she'll be back?
Herbert Proule: No, she never tells me. Keeps a suite in the Chiltingham, though. You could try her there.
Ray Kowalski: * shouts * Fraser. Fraser!
[On the baseball field, the players are warming up]
Commentator: And as the Hawkeyes take the field fans, let me remind you about Sunday's cheese sculpting contest, and....
Ray Kowalski: They're gonna play me, Fraser. They're gonna put me in the game.
Fraser: Oh Ray, you can do this. It'll be just like that time you worked out with the Cubs.
Ray Kowalski: Look, Fraser, that was a fantasy game.
Fraser: I don't understand.
Ray Kowalski: Look, you pay a thousand dollars, you go down to Florida with the heavy equipment salesman with the big gut, and the mutual fund guy...
Fraser: Ray. Ray.
Ray Kowalski: ...with the socks and the sandals...
Fraser: Ray.
Ray Kowalski: ...the guy had no muscles, the guy had like tubes for arms...
Fraser: Ray!
Ray Kowalski: ...so the guy with the big gut and the socks and sandals...
Fraser: Ray! Ray, Ray, Ray! Ssssh! Alright, now. Just keep your eye on the ball. Keep the ball in front of you, keep your glove in front of the ball. You relax. You let muscle-memory take over, and above all you must try not to think.
Ray Kowalski: Yeah, not thinking, that's what got me into this. Hey, y'know what they call third base?
Fraser: The hot plate?
Ray Kowalski: No, the hot corner. You know why they call it that?
Fraser: I've no idea.
Ray Kowalski: Well neither do I, but it does not sound good.
[Ray turns to go]
Fraser: Ray!
[Ray turns and Fraser throws him his glove. He drops it.]
Fraser: Oh dear.
[ Two old men, looking remarkably similar to Huey and Dewy walk along the stands.]
Dewy: Have they got a first base?
Huey: Certainly.
Dewy: Alright. What's his name?
Huey: Who?
Dewy: The first base, man. What's his name?
Huey: Certainly.
Dewy: Sheriff Welsh.
Huey: Howdy Sheriff.
[They pass the Welsh brothers sitting on the stands.]
Wilson Welsh: Hey, you remember how Dad used to take us to the Cubs games?
Harding Welsh: Yeah, I remember he used to drop us off at the gate and give the ushers a few dollars to look after us. Then he'd come back and pick us up at the end of the game and..uh..drive home hammered out of his mind.
Wilson Welsh: I don't remember that.
Harding Welsh: You don't want to remember that.
Wilson Welsh: Look, I know he was a lousy father, and he treated us hard.
Harding Welsh: Hard on you? There was nothing I could do to please that guy. Every other day he was telling me how you were his only real son.
Wilson Welsh: And every other day he told me how you were his only real son. You gotta forgive him, Harding.
Harding Welsh: I don't know what you're talking about.
Wilson Welsh: I think you do.
[Wilson notices a car drive into the parking lot]
Wilson Welsh: It's Olivia.
Harding Welsh: Well, lets get it on.
Wilson Welsh: Hold on. I owe her this. I'm gonna bring her in myself. I know how to handle her.
[Olivia's office]
* knock *
Wilson Welsh: I hear you're thinking of selling?
Olivia: That's none of your business.
Wilson Welsh: Well what, you...you stuck for the lease on the stadium, huh? Is that why you're sabotaging your own team?
Olivia: What do you want?
Wilson Welsh: Or maybe you're trying to cash in on the forcemerger clause on your insurance policy.
[Harding Welsh enters]
Harding Welsh: Alright. We got out confession yet?
Wilson Welsh: Do you mind?
Olivia: Is that your brother?
Wilson Welsh: Harding, Olivia.
Olivia: Boy, your parents must have been wading in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Harding Welsh: Yeah well, it's still way uptown from the tree you fell out of.
Wilson Welsh: Hey, hey.
Olivia: Do you have any proof? Or evidence? Or any of those legal kinds of things that usually go with these conversations, Wilson? Or did you just want to see me again lover? Look, I don't have a lease on the stadium. My late moron
of a husband bought the thing. I own it. So now I have to sell the team with the stadium, or I'm gonna be stuck with a chunk of property that's not worth a bucket of warm spit! So listen, you fellas wanna talk to me, you know where
to find me.
[Back on the field]
Commentator: And the Hawkeyes are just 1 out away from victory....
Fraser: [To a group of girls] Well, actually he's half wolf....
Commentator: If they can hang on here, then tomorrow Huck Bogart will hit that magic 3000 mark. But right now they gotta get through the meat of the Corrington order. And Ace Leary may be about to find out why they call it the hot
corner.
Ray Kowalski: Fraser! Y'hear that? It's called the hot corner!
Huck Bogart: Leary! [motions for him to move] The other way dude!
[ Ray rectifies his mistake while trying to look cool at the same time.]
[In the stands]
* Harding Welsh's phone rings *
Harding Welsh: Yeah.
Dewy: Lt. Turns out this Laterno guy has an alias. He also goes by the name of Donny Proule.
Harding Welsh: The book-keeper.
Dewy: Is his uncle.
[Out on the field, Ray is muttering to himself. The batsman hits the ball straight at Ray, who falls over while stopping the ball from hitting him in the face. The crowd cheers and Ray realises he has caught it.]
Huck Bogart: I'm a damn genius.
Harding Welsh: Ah...we're never gonna hear the end of this.
[In the office]
Herbert Proule: I wasn't gambling. I swear to God I wasn't.
Wilson Welsh: We trust you Hector, okay? We know you're a compulsive gambler, but I know that you are a scrupulously honest book-keeper.
Harding Welsh: Yeah right. Telephone company records for that payphone outside your office lists 200 calls to a certain bookie in New Jersey. How do you explain those calls?
Herbert Proule: I can't. Unless...unless someone wanted to frame me for the robbery. Hire my good-for-nothing nephew and make it look like I was taking the money.
Harding Welsh: Yeah right. The simple thing is you did it.
Fraser: I think there's a problem with that Lt.
Harding Welsh: And what's that?
Fraser: Well, he may have committed the robbery in order to cover his tracks, that is, if was embezzling from the team, but he had absolutely no motive for committing the other acts of vandalism.
Harding Welsh: That may be a separate thing.
Fraser: Possibly, although I do think that all the crimes are related, and that they revolve around the sale of this team and of the stadium.
Furthermore, they all same to share a certain pattern, or what you would call an MO.
Harding Welsh: What's that?
Wilson Welsh: Modus operandi.
Fraser: Exactly. In each scenario we have a plausible suspect, and ample evidence to point to them.
Wilson Welsh: So it's gotta be someone on the inside.
Fraser: Someone who can move about inconspicuously.
[Sheriff's office]
Woody: * crying * Oh man.
Harding Welsh: We know it's you. Now why'd you do it?
Woody: Huck. Well you saw how he treats me.
Harding Welsh: Big deal. You wouldn't be the first guy who worked twice as hard to get noticed half as much. Get over it.
Woody: He stole Olivia.
Wilson Welsh: You and Olivia? Huck and Olivia? Kelly and Olivia?
[Rusty begins crying in the cells]
Wilson Welsh: [Horrified] He's just a kid!
Harding Welsh: So you did it for revenge?
Woody: No, that was just the icing. I was getting paid.
[Stadium - the final game of the season]
Commentator: Well, here we have it folks - the final game of the season. Now just a reminder to all the fans here at the stadium, please remain seated after the game for the big fireworks display. Now, please won't you join me and
rise for the national anthem, sung by our very own Toni Lake!
[Outside the stadium]
Fraser: Okay, lets have a look at your stance.
Ray Kowalski: Okay. Ooookay.
[Ray attempts a stance]
Fraser: Okay. Um...Ray, you are a pole hitter, so you need to close up your stance. You lay off anything that's away. You make 'em come to you, wait 'til it's in your real house - high and in. And you have to protect the plate so lean
forward..........lower body forward. Uh....that'll do. You ready?
[Fraser pitches. The ball flys past Ray and through the board behind him. He swings wildly after it has passed him.]
Ray Kowalski: What on God's earth was that, Fraser?
Fraser: A tuck fast ball I believe they call it. Ray, this time, don't even try to hit the ball. Just watch it as it comes in, and try to count the rotations of the seams as they come towards you.
Ray Kowalski: Count the rotations of the seams. Fraser, I can't even see it, it's a blur.
Fraser: Oh sure you can.
Diefenbaker: * woof woof *
Fraser: What are you talking about, it was a strike on the corner.
Diefenbaker: * woof *
Fraser: Oh great, blind and deaf.
[Inside the stadium, the national anthem finishes.]
Commentator: Good, deep, and it is outta here! Oh you gotta be feeling for manager Huck Bogart. As the Hawkeyes come to bat on the bottom of the ninth trailing six to three with the bottom part of the order...
[Fraser and the Welsh brothers make their way across the stands.]
Harding Welsh: Move.
Fraser: Excuse me.
Harding Welsh: Move.
Fraser: Excuse me.
Harding Welsh: Move.
Fraser: Excuse me.
Harding Welsh: Move.
Fraser: Excuse me.
[They sit down next to the Mayor.]
Winston Cohoon: Welsh, you..uh.. getting ready for retirement?
Wilson Welsh: I don't think so Mayor.
Winston Cohoon: Always better to plan ahead, Winston.
Fraser: As you did, Sir.
Harding Welsh: We've been checking up on your land deals, Mr Mayor. Seems you've picked up that burnt out lumber mill, the warehouse, and the store.
Winston Cohoon: I bought the worthless properties to help out some friends.
Fraser: Worthless property that coincidentally adjoins the land this stadium sits on.
Wilson Welsh: Which you're also trying to buy.
Winston Cohoon: What are you saying?
Fraser: Well, essentially that as Mayor you had access to information that makes this parcel of land extremely valuable. And that you resorted to criminal activity in order to acquire it. Now we're spoken to Woody.
Winston Cohoon: I don't have to listen to this! [He leaves]
Harding Welsh: I think that would be a confession.
Fraser: Well, I'm not sure it would stand up technically in a court of law Sir, but I think in substance we can certainly ...
Wilson Welsh: Guys? [Gestures to the fleeing Mayor]
Fraser: Oh. Understood.
Commentator: Bubba Dean, with three strike outs on the night steps in.
Huck Bogart: C'mon Bubba. C'mon boy!
Commentator: Baldiney looks in for the sign. And in the wind up kicks and deals.
[The ball hits Bubba Dean on the back. He runs it]
Commentator: Holy Jo Dean, that was a high hard one.
Huck Bogart: See, that's I mean by taking one for the team. Way to go Bubba!
Commentator: I guess the Hawkeyes'll take base runners any way they can get'em here at this point. They've loaded the bases with 2 out down, six to three in the bottom of the ninth. And I guess you could say the pressure is on mystery
man Ace Leary, as he makes his way to the plate.
[The crowd chants 'Ace! Ace! Ace!']
Huck Bogart: Ace! Go get 'em boy!
[Fraser is in pursuit of the Mayor. Meanwhile, Ray approaches the plate.]
Winston Cohoon: Alright, hold it![He has a gun]
F: Just how do you plan to get away with this?
Winston Cohoon: You. You're my ticket outta here.
[He throws his cigar, which lands on a piece of paper outside a shed.]
Commentator: Leary steps back in, goes into that unorthodox stance. Baldiney looks in, winds and delivers.
[Ray doesn't move - he is frozen to the spot]
Umpire: Strike 1!
Huck Bogart: Strike? Are you out of your mind?
[Back to the Mayor, Harding Welsh arrives on the scene.]
Winston Cohoon: Well, well. Two for the price of one. Now the three of us, we're gonna leave.
Harding Welsh: How did you ever get elected Mayor?
[Winston appears from nowhere, jumps on Cohoon and disarms him.]
Wilson Welsh: You never got my vote.
Harding Welsh: Nice shot, bro.
Wilson Welsh: Thanks.
[From afar, the commentator can be heard saying "High and in, and it's ball three."]
Harding Welsh: Y'know, I am trying.
Wilson Welsh: Yeah. I know.
Ray Kowalski: Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams.
Commentator: The season comes down to this. Man against man. A dream on the line.
[The ball is pitched. Ray swings and hits it. Everyone watches it rise into the air. It hits the top of the scoreboard, and just bounces over the boundary. The crowd goes wild and Ray sets out on his home run. The cigar had ignited
the paper, and the fireworks are set off as Ray is chaired off the pitch.]
[Squadroom. Ray is watching the re-run of his performance. Everyone looks bored of it.]
Ray Kowalski: Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look how I'm getting that really good extension. How I'm seeing the ball. How I'm seeing the ball really good. Like I'm....actually, I am the ball. Look at that.
[Winston Welsh enters carrying a gift]
Wilson Welsh: Gotta go.
Harding Welsh: I'm only staying five minutes.
Wilson Welsh: That's fine. How's the foot?
Harding Welsh: Good, good. That's the last time I kick a wastepaper basket.
Wilson Welsh: I thought it was a junkie.
Harding Welsh: Well, that sounded better. What's in the package?
Wilson Welsh: A two speed, reversible, cordless weed whacker.
Harding Welsh: See, that's what I'm talking about. Dad's been in that building drinking for 25 years. The last time he saw grass was on the US open on the SBN. What was it last year, a power sander, right?
Wilson Welsh: A power sander.
Harding Welsh: You're in denial!
Wilson Welsh: I am not.
Harding Welsh: You are.
Wilson Welsh: I am not.
Fraser: Excuse me, Sir. I'm sure it's a wonderful gift. Although, as a rule, I'm not sure it's a great idea to give power tools to alcoholics.
Wilson Welsh: True enough.
Fraser: [To Harding Welsh] Sir, if I may. Y'know, he is your father, he's your only father. There are probably sides to him that you don't know about. I only say this because I had a father, my only father and well, my advice to you
is not to wait until he's dead to discover those sides. It tends to be somewhat disorienting.
Harding Welsh: Constable.
Fraser: Yes sir?
Harding Welsh: Giving advice to your elders is....
Fraser: Unbecoming?
Harding Welsh: Unbecoming.
Fraser: Understood.
Ray Kowalski: Okay, who wants to see it again?
[There is a chorus of groans. Diefenbaker barks.]
Ray Kowalski: Oh you gotta love this wolf. Okay, check out the stance....
END
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