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[Scene: Fraser, Ray and Dief are sitting around a campfire in a makeshift camp in the 'woods']
Fraser: High a top Sulphur Mountain in his lonely stone cabin, Looooooouuuuu Scagnetti heard a knock at the door: Boom Boom Boom. So he opened it [He makes a creaking noise] And there on the stoop stood the beautiful Princess from
the valley below. And the wind whipped about her hair and the snow swirled about her and Loooooouuuuuuu Scagnetti froze. For the first time in his life he didn't know what to do. He didn't know whether to kill her and eat her, or whether
to bake her some of those tarts he was so fond of. The ones that featured choke cherries and brown lichen with little bits of dust....
RayK: Fraser!
Fraser: What?
RayK: What are you doing?
Fraser: Well, I'm telling you a ghost story. It is customary to exchange ghost stories around a campfire in the wilderness.
RayK: We're not in the wilderness.
Fraser: It's an approximation of wilderness.
RayK: No it's not, Fraser, we are in a park in the middle of Chicago. I had to step over a wino and kick two junkies just to get here. This is no the Yukon Territories.
Fraser: It's the North-West Territory or the Yukon. The thing is, I was feeling a little suffocated at the Consulate, I, I just felt I needed some room to breathe.
RayK: Yeah, well I got two things to say about that. One, you are not Daniel Boone and two..this air? Uh, the less room to breathe, the better.
Fraser: Dinner?
RayK: No thanks.
Fraser: Oh you really should, everything tastes much better cooked over an open fire. Dief.
RayK: Oh yeah? What about, uh, spaghetti?
Fraser: Oh, it's delicious. And those, uh, rooted tubers are, are very tasty also.
RayK: Mmm. Where'd you get this?
Fraser: Diefenbaker dug them up under that tree over there.
[RayK spits the food out. A bell rings and Dief runs off]
Fraser: Oh, here we go again. Mr Tucci and his pretzels.
Mr Tucci: Buona sera Signore Redcoat!
Fraser: Uh, Mr Tucci I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, this is Ray, he's with the Chicago Police Department.
Mr Tucci: Buona sera.
RayK: How's it goin'?
Mr Tucci: Heh! It goes.
Dief: Woof woof!
Mr Tucci: Hey, there's my boy! Con carne...
Fraser: Please, you spoil him. Here, please let me uh..
Mr Tucci: No no no no. Is end of day..uh..is not so fresh. I charge only for fresh. That way I keep my reputation. I'd better go. My wife...she's worried for me. Arrivederci!
Fraser: See you tomorrow.
Mr Tucci: Si. Ciao.
RayK: Nice guy.
Fraser: Yes, he is. He and his wife celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary next week. They had hoped to, uh, go to Sardinia for a visit, but well, Mrs Tucci's very ill and she requires round the clock nursing.
RayK: Where's Sardinia?
Fraser: It's in the Mediterranean. It's an island.
[Gunshot. Fraser and RayK run towards it. A rollerblader, seen earlier, skates in other direction. RayK turns and runs after her.]
Mr Tucci: My wife...she's worried for me.
Fraser: Everything's going to be all right sir, help is on it's way.
Mr Tucci: Please....look after my wife.
Fraser: Yes sir.
[Scene cuts to RayK and the rollerblader. RayK knocks the rollerblader down]
RayK: Chicago PD!
Rollerblader: Scumbag! [She kicks him]
RayK: Ow...Stop, stop, stop. Police officer, I'm a police officer. Just, just...oh....God!
[Scene cuts back to Fraser and Mr Tucci]
Mr Tucci: Buona notte....mi amore.
[Titles]
Fraser: So, how's your nose?
RayK: That was some kick.
Fraser: Well she was innocent Ray, she thought you were attacking her. [To Dief] Wait here.
RayK: Fraser, you don't have to do this, this is my job.
Fraser: Well, I promised Mr Tucci that I would look after his wife and that's a promise I intend to keep.
[Fraser knocks on the door. A beautiful woman answers]
Luanne: Yes?
RayK: Uh, Mrs Tucci? We're with the police?
Luanne: Come on in. Mrs Tucci? These men are with the police.
Mrs Tucci: Ah! Mr Redcoat!
RayK: Um, I'm sorry ma'am, uh there's been a shooting. I'm afraid your husband is dead.
Mrs Tucci: What are you say? I'm sorry I don't hear you.
Luanne: Oh my God...
RayK: I'm sorry ma'am I'm...uh, there's been a shooting and I'm afraid your husband is dead.
Mrs Tucci: Franco?
RayK: Yeah. We're....we're just starting the investigation now. I'm very sorry.
[Mrs Tucci weeps]
Luanne: I should take her to her room.
[Outside the house]
RayK: Wow!
Fraser: Wow?
RayK: She's something else.
Fraser: Ray, if you don't mind me saying, that is a staggeringly insensitive remark considering the circumstances.
RayK: Look Fraser, I'm very sorry for Mrs Tucci's loss and I will make every effort to find the killer of her husband but the fact remains she is a very beautiful woman.
Fraser: Possibly.
RayK: No possibly about it.
[Chicago Police Department]
RayK: I don't know who has less sex, me or you, but at least I still think about women. Is that better or worse?
Fraser: It's an interesting question.
RayK: Thank you.
Welsh: Vecchio! Where do we stand on the Tucci homicide?
RayK: Uh, he was killed with a .32 calibre. Um, at this point we suspect everyone and no-one.
Welsh: We can rule out robbery as a motive, this was found in the cart.
RayK: How much is there?
Fraser: Four thousand dollars.
Welsh: Right. Now, what's a peanut vendor doing with $4000?
Fraser: Oh, it's not peanuts sir.
Welsh: Damn right it's not.
Fraser: It's pretzels sir.
Welsh: Whatever.
Francesca: He's uh, got a record.
RayK: Who?
Welsh: The deceased. He did six months for receiving stolen property in 1953.
RayK: Why are we investigating the deceased?
Welsh: Because we're doing a full investigation.
Francesca: Yeah, 'cause he's Italian.
Welsh: What?
Francesca: He's Italian so he's gotta be Mafia right? He's Italian, he's a gangster. Did you ever stop to think that just maybe he's a decent guy who worked all of his life and saved every penny he has?
Welsh: And kept it in his peanut cart.
RayK: Well why not? Fraser carries his around in his hat.
Fraser: Quite true sir.
Welsh: Are you saying I'm prejudiced?
Fraser: Oh no sir, I'm sure she doesn't mean anything like that. It's just that your remark does have the air of cultural stereotyping about it.
RayK: Yeah.
Welsh: Let it go Detective. Remember, you're only pretending to be an Italian.
RayK: Ciao sir.
[In the Interrogation Room]
RayK: OK, so what d'you see in the park?
Man: Nothin'.
RayK: You told the officer you saw somethin', now what was it? Look, I'm not in the mood for twenty questions, so just tell me what you saw.
Man: A guy.
RayK: What kind of guy?
Man: A lumpy guy.
RayK: Was Mr Tucci with the lumpy guy?
Man: Yeah.
RayK: Was he arguing with the lumpy guy?
Man: No.
RayK: Did you ever see Mr Tucci uh, in the park have any, any trouble, like an argument with a customer?
Man: Kill somebody over a pretzel?
RayK: When did you see this lumpy guy?
Man: Right before the shot.
RayK: Can you describe him besides 'lumpy'?
Man: Droopy moustache. Big gut. Skinny legs. Like a fat skinny guy.
RayK: A fat....Would you recognise him?
Man: I guess.
RayK: OK, come on. Um, I want you to take a look at some pictures. A lot of different pictures. We got tall guys, we got wide guys, we got a mixture of people.....
[Squad room]
Fraser: You could set your clock by him, sir. The route was predictable and almost never varied. Over the course of the week it became clear that his route would take him along here and then up to here and then across to here on Raynier
Street and then straight back through the park.
Welsh: You memorised the pretzel guy's route?
Fraser: Well, I'm sorry sir, it's not something that I actively choose to do, on the other hand it's not something I actively choose to ignore either.
Welsh: Fair enough.
Fraser: I will try to correct that Sir. In the mean time, I thought it might be useful to your men to know where he had been on the day of the murder.
Welsh: Oh yes, absolutely.
Francesca: Hey Frase? There's a Luanne Russell on the line. She's calling on behalf of Mrs Tucci.
[Canteen]
RayK: Frannie? You're a woman. Apparently. What do women look for in a man?
Francesca: You're asking me? Why? What sick thing are you up to?
RayK: I was just asking, I got this friend...So this love at first sight thing, is that legit? I mean, if you don't make a good first impression are you dead in the water or what?
Francesca: Well, you're not deformed or anything....really. I don't know, it really depends. I mean, did you show her your disgusting tattoo or how far you could spit or, y'know, that charming thing where you kick holes through the
ceiling tiles?
RayK: [With mouth full] Come on Frannie, give me a break here.
Francesca: Ooh, aren't we touchy! Who is this woman?
RayK: Nobody, just someone I met at work.
Francesca: A cop?
RayK: No.
Francesca: A criminal?
RayK: No.
Francesca: I don't know Ray. My best advice would be to be yourself but in your case I, I don't think that's a great idea.
[Hallway]
RayK: Uh, Fraser? So, uh, where're we going?
Fraser: Well, well I'm uh, I'm uh..
Dief: Woof! Woof woof.
[The Tucci house]
Fraser: Good looking boy.
Mrs Tucci: That's my son, Frankie.
Fraser: Your husband never mentioned him.
Mrs Tucci: My Franco and Frankie Junior, they fight. So he ran away. Twenty years ago.
Fraser: What did they fight about?
Mrs Tucci: [Laughs] Father and son. What does it matter? What makes a difference? But, he'll come back. I know he will.
[In the kitchen]
RayK: How long have you worked for the Tucci's?
Luanne: A little over two years.
RayK: Can you describe Mr Tucci?
Luanne: He's unbelievable. He didn't have a lazy bone in his body. He worked every day from sun up to sun down and never complained. Most people I know just complain about everything, you know?
RayK: Yeah, yeah I know.
Luanne: They're both just amazing. She's got this nerve thing, it's only getting worse. Some days she can't hold a book. Her eyes are going. She never complains. I just love her. You know what she really likes?
RayK: No.
Luanne: When I read to her. She loves these big romances. Today I started 'Sword of Desire' by Donna O'Conner. Do you know her?
RayK: Uh, no. I, I don't get a lot of time for reading although you know, I like reading.
Luanne: Well they're great.
RayK: Uh, 'Gabriella's chest heaved with passion...'
[In the living room]
Luanne: [On tape] the wind whipped her raven hair as she stood at the edge of the parapet thinking only of her passion for Paulo. Her lips...[Fraser stops the tape]
Mrs Tucci: She reads it to me every afternoon. Sometimes she puts it on a tape, so if I get awake in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep I...I listen again.
Fraser: Mrs Tucci, you said on the telephone that you were frightened.
Mrs Tucci: I just don't understand what happened. See, Franco he never talk about himself. Never talk about his business. Just shut you right out. That's Franco. But the last week or so, he was not himself, he was, uh how you say..distracted.
He was so nervous. And now someone has....[She weeps]...I feel so helpless...
[Kitchen]
RayK: Can you think of anyone uh, who might want to kill Mr Tucci?
Luanne: No, nobody. It's that park. The crackheads are crazy. I told him it wasn't safe.
Mrs Tucci: Luanne? Perhaps the gentlemen would like a glass of Franco's wine.
Fraser: Oh, uh, no thank you.
Luanne: Detective Vecchio?
RayK: Uh no thanks, I'm...working.
Mrs Tucci: I'll have a glass. For sleeping.
RayK: You know it's late and I'm booking off so uh, yeah..a glass of wine would be great. Thank you, thank you.
[Mobile phone rings]
RayK: Uh, excuse me. Vecchio. Yeah. OK, I'll, I'll talk to you in the morning
[To Fraser] Uh ME's report. Uh, he had uh cancer. He woulda been dead in two months anyway.
[Luanne knocks a glass over]
Mrs Tucci: Oh....!
Luanne: I'm sorry. He didn't say anything, he must've known.
Mrs Tucci: What, wuh...is the...what?
RayK: Um, your husband was uh, ill at the time of his murder. Um, he had cancer.
Mrs Tucci: Franco was dying? They killed a dying man?
RayK: They, they...who do you mean by they?
Mrs Tucci: No, what if they try to kill me?
Fraser: Oh, no-one would have any reason to kill you Mrs Tucci.
Mrs Tucci: Well no-one had any reason to kill Franco either..Oh! I am afraid.
Fraser: Don't be afraid, nothing will happen to you I promise. Ray, I think it would be a good idea for me to bivouac here for the night.
RayK: You're gonna what?
Fraser: Uh, I'll explain later.
[Outside]
RayK: Hey, I know what's going on here.
Fraser: Ray, please.
RayK: Look, you just can't stand it, can you. You just can't stand it that she's more interested in me than she is in you.
Fraser: You're embarrassing yourself.
RayK: Look, I'll be back here. Six-thirty sharp.
[Later, in the back yard]
Fraser: Well it's a nice clear night. Nice sleeping under the stars....such as they are.
Dief: Woof!
Fraser: I hear it.
[RayK falls over the fence in to the back yard]
Fraser: Ah, Ray. Glad you could join us.
RayK: Oh yeah, I bet you are. Anything happen?
Fraser: No.
RayK: You get called in on uh, any emergencies?
Fraser: No it's been, uh, it's been very quiet.
RayK: Good.
Fraser: Looooooouuuuuuu Scagnetti looked across the stone table at the beautiful princess and he said to himself....
RayK: Fraser...?
Fraser: What?
RayK: You think she had something to do with it don't you.
Fraser: Well, I try not to prejudge people Ray.
RayK: You do, come on.
Fraser: Well..All I will say is that I detected a certain..well a, almost a musk-like animal wariness about her.
RayK: Musk? You're talking to me about musk? I detect a certain kinda musk here myself.
Dief: [Whines]
[Fraser and RayK look up to see a silhouette of Luanne undressing]
Fraser: Oh dear.
RayK: Oh yeah.
Dief: [Whines]
Fraser: [Settles down to sleep]. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray!
[Ray settles down, then looks up again]
Fraser: Ray...!
[Next morning]
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray.
RayK: Time?
Fraser: Six-thirty. Coffee?
RayK: Uh, anything happen?
Fraser: No.
RayK: You sleep?
Fraser: Very little. You?
RayK: No. What about him?
Fraser: I don't think he's moved.
RayK: He saw it all? Dogs huh, they have all the fun.
Fraser: It would seem so. Well Ray, we uh, we should get going.
RayK: Look Fraser, I'm wallowing. Give me a little time for a wallow.
Fraser: Right you are. Do you, uh, take sugar when you wallow?
RayK: Uh, one.
[Huey and Dewey are in a car in the streets of Chicago]
Dewey: Can you believe this guy pedalled this entire route every day?
Huey: Pull over will you?
Dewey: Hmm?
Huey: Pull over. Pull over! I don't know why..I feel nauseous or something if I'm not driving.
Dewey: Look, I feel nauseous if you *are* driving.
Huey: But you're always....
Dewey: Listen, hey, let's end this right OK? I'm sick of this argument. Is it because you, you gotta have a steering wheel in your hand, is that it?
Huey: Yes.
Dewey: OK, get outta the car. Right now. Get out.
[Opens the boot/trunk of the car]
Dewey: Hey hey hey hey hey. This is for your stomach. [He hands Huey a steering wheel]
Huey: I suppose you think this is funny right? You wanna know something? It's not funny, it's cruel. I mean, all I said was...
Dewey: Shh..
Huey: What?
Dewey: Look at this. [He points out an argument down a side alley]
Huey: Well well well. The Palermo Social Club.
[Chicago Police Department]
RayK: Let me see if I've got this right Fraser. Luanne is a beautiful woman, therefore she must be bad. And since she's a really beautiful woman, I mean she's gotta be really bad. Is that how it goes inside your brain?
Fraser: Are you sure it's my brain we're talking about?
Francesca: Randy said this was as close as he could come. Mind you, your eye-witness hasn't slept in about six months so he wasn't at his sharpest.
Fraser: Hmmm.
RayK: What?
Fraser: Nothing.
RayK: You, you think this is a, a woman in disguise.
Fraser: Well, there is something sort of off-kilter about it.
RayK: You think she's involved don't you.
Fraser: Ray...
RayK: Look, are, are you gonna tell me that this is a false moustache?
Fraser: All right, the smudge she had on her upper lip when we went to the Tucci household could, and I say could, have been the residue of spirit gum used to hold the moustache on.
RayK: Right, and the pillow that fell off the chair..
Fraser: ..might account for the description of a fat man with skinny legs. I say might.
RayK: And I suppose that, uh, that cassette tape you found in the living room of uh, her reading Sword of Desire, uh she used that to fool Mrs Tucci in to thinking that uh, she was sitting in a comfy chair reading to her from across
the room.
Fraser: Thereby providing her with an alibi so she could slip out to the park and shoot Mr Tucci. But as I say Ray, this is just the purest of speculation.
RayK: Right. So why don't we just bring her in here and grill the snot out of her?
Fraser: Without cause that would violate her civil rights.
Welsh: Jack and Dewey called in. Old Man Tucci used to bring his pretzels by the Palermo social club every day. It's a real wise guy hang out. I mean, you had to have major bones before you could even get a decaf there. Maybe he heard
something.
RayK: So you're saying this is mob related?
Francesca: Hello! Random. Any one ever heard of random killings?
Welsh: He owned a home in Lincoln wood. Had a couple of semis in Oak Park. No mortgages. He's worth 1.7 million dollars.
RayK: Related...to the mob.
Fraser: I, I would resist the temptation of jumping to conclusions gentlemen....and lady. By way of an example, Joe Bodiak was a humble janitor with the Women's Christian Temperance Centre in Eagle River. And as honest as the day is
long, but by the time he died he owned a split-level home, two power boats and several expensive pairs of shoes.
Welsh: Miss Vecchio? The phone records. I wanna know what calls were made to and from the Tucci house and who made them.
Francesca: Probably to Al Capone. Did you ever stop to think that this might be personal? I mean, we know this guy's worth 1.7 million dollars, so who inherits it? Did you ever think of that?
[Tucci household]
Fraser: Mrs Tucci, it would appear that your husband has left everything to Franco Junior.
Mrs Tucci: Ah...Frankie. Frankie will take care of me. My Frankie.
[Outside]
RayK: So what now? Did you know Mr Tucci was worth a million an a half bucks?
Luanne: Yeah. No, I knew he had some money.
RayK: You know where he, he got it?
Luanne: Well, he worked twelve hours a day for fifty years. I guess he just saved it.
RayK: And it all goes to a guy nobody's seen for twenty years, a guy who could be, uh, dead for all anybody knows.
Luanne: The courts will direct at least half of it to us. To Mrs Tucci for upkeep of the house and everything. She'll get the rest after he's declared legally dead. I mean, that's how it's worked, you know, for other families I've
worked for.
RayK: Right.
Luanne: Ray..things are such a mess.
RayK: Nah, they're not a mess.
Luanne: Yeah, they are.
[Luanne moves to go into the house. She trips and falls into RayK's arms]
RayK: You all right?....What?
[They kiss. Fraser interrupts]
Fraser: [Coughs] Uh Ray, I'm sorry.
[Chicago Police Department]
RayK: You talkin' to me or chewin' on a brick 'cause either way you're gonna lose your teeth. Freak.
[He sees Luanne]
RayK: Hi!
Luanne: Hi. Listen, I'm sorry about um....I didn't mean to make you feel...
RayK: No no no no, that was me, I was waaay over the line. Look, I was gonna call you...
Luanne: You don't have to say that.
RayK: [Smiles] OK.
Luanne: [Smiles] OK. [Laughs]
RayK: So...
Luanne: Um, did you...did the police find any money on Mr Tucci?
RayK: Yeah.
Luanne: Four thousand dollars?
RayK: Yeah.
Luanne: It's mine.
[Interrogation room]
RayK: So, we can talk here.
Luanne: [Puts book down on the table] I have to return that to the library. What's that?
RayK: Oh, that's our...suspect. Uh you, you ever see anybody around the house who, y'know, looked like that or...
Luanne: No. It's odd-looking.
RayK: Yeah. So um, money.
Luanne: My pay, a month's pay.
RayK: The Tucci's paid you four thousand bucks a month cash?
Luanne: Mm-hmm. Last Friday of every month, a thousand dollars a week. I know it's illegal. I didn't pay any taxes or anything but I don't have any education or training so I couldn't say no.
RayK: You didn't think to ask him where, where he got it?
Luanne: No. It's none of my business The thing is, with the will being the way it is I um...we really need that money now. Can I get it?
RayK: I don't, I don't know. I'd have to ask my, uh, Lieutenant.
Luanne: I understand. I'm sorry if I've caused you any trouble.
RayK: That's OK. No trouble.
[They move to kiss]
Dief: [From other side of the two-way glass] Grrrrr...Woof!
Luanne: Well, um, I'll see you at the wake this afternoon?
RayK: Yeah, I'll be there. Sure.
Luanne: Great.
[In the corridor]
Francesca: I think what you need is a cold shower!
RayK: I think what you need is a size ten kick in the...Dief, what are you lookin' at?
[At RayK's desk]
RayK: It's the same plot.
Fraser: I'm sorry?
RayK: 'Sword of Desire', look. OK, in the book Gabriella is the lady-in-waiting to the ageing duchess, then the duke dies, follow?
Fraser: I think so.
RayK: Good. Cast of characters OK? Luanne - Gabriella, duke - Mr Tucci, duchess - Mrs Tucci. Gabriella has the duke killed so she can get a hold of the castle and all the grapes.
Fraser: Grapes?
RayK: It's Italy..It's a wine castle. Anyway, Gandolpho shows up and the villagers go bananas right?
Fraser: And Gandolpho is...?
RayK: Uh, we don't have a Gandolpho yet.
Fraser: So what's the point Ray?
RayK: The point is she's involved, all right? You know, she's after the old man's money just like in the book.
Fraser: Are you suggesting that she left the book sitting around here in some sort of subconscious desire to be caught?
RayK: Well it sounds dumb but you got a better idea?
Fraser: Maybe she just forgot it.
RayK: And what the hell are you doing with my mail anyway?
Fraser: Well I'm sorry, I just..I noticed that your box hadn't been emptied in about a month. To your credit, it seems to have been stuffed largely with fast-food menus so I don't think any vital police work has suffered.
RayK: Good.
Fraser: There is also a fax that came in from the National Crime Database. They ran a check on Luanne Russell. She has a record.
RayK: For what? [Fraser hands RayK the fax] Phone fraud, mail fraud...She's a con-artist?
Fraser: She has been, she may not be now.
RayK: She's a con? She likes me? What does that mean?
[Outside the Tucci's before the wake]
Huey: Lucciano Serecusa. Pavano Volenccia. Mrs Tucci. And there is Luanne Russell.
Dewey: And that's Gino Tortelli
RayK: Yeah, he owns the Palermo Social Club. Runs the East side for the Iguana family. Hey, who's that guy uh, with Mrs Tucci?
Dewey: Don't know.
Fraser: Perhaps we should find out.
[Inside the Tucci house]
Mrs Tucci: Molto grazie, Signorina. Oh, Constable Fraser! Constable, come see. My Frankie, my Frankie's come home!
RayK: Gandolpho.
Priest: It's unbelievable my boy. You haven't changed a bit.
Frankie Jr: I only wish that were true Father.
Mrs Tucci: Frankie? Frankie, this is my friend Constable Fraser.
Frankie Jr: Oh..I've heard a lot about you.
Fraser: And I you sir.
RayK: Excuse me, I'm uh..
Fraser: Detective Vecchio.
Frankie Jr: Lots of police.
RayK: Luanne...
Luanne: Not now Ray.
Frankie Jr: I'm so ashamed Mama, I should have come home a long time ago. I should have been here. If only I could see Papa again. Ask his forgiveness. But I'm never gonna leave you again.
Tortelli: Frankie. It's Gino Tortelli. I was a great friend of your father's. If there's anything you need...Anything..
Frankie Jr: Thank you. Thank you.
Tortelli: Welcome home Frankie. Welcome home.
[Chicago Police Department]
RayK: OK, maybe it's just my suspicious nature but a guy disappears for twenty years and then he shows up a couple of days after his father's murder just in time to inherit a million bucks, I...I don't know. [He hits the computer keyboard]
Francesca: Hey, hands off the merchandise!
RayK: I hate this computer.
Francesca: Well, here's why we didn't find Franco Junior when we ran his father. 1979 couple of chops as a juvenile.
RayK: Chops..uh, do you mean beefs?
Francesca: Yeah, beefs. Loins, chops, rib-eye, it really doesn't matter. The point is they sealed the records and they think he also goes by the name of Sammy Franks.
Dewey: Went by the name of Sammy Franks.
RayK: Do you want to elaborate or what?
Dewey: All right. Few years back I was at the 1-9 right? Couple of Marshalls from Tussau, one of those big cowboy hats and everything, fly in to pick up one of our collars, Nervous Nellie Martin, who's up on a murder one chop.
Francesca: Hey, hang on...did you hear that? Chops. Chops are OK. Thank you. Sorry.
Huey: Hmm. Chops are good. With a little apple sauce on the side.
Dewey: Would you let me finish the story here?
Huey: I'm sorry.
Dewey: All right. So the victim is Sammy Franks, an up-and-coming mob guy right, ?tracking a lot of heat at the time? But Nellie beats the rap 'cause they can't find enough pieces of Franks' body to identify him. No body, no murder.
No murder, no prison volley ball.
RayK: So this Sammy Franks uh, may or may not be Franco Tucci, who may or may not be dead and this guy at the Tucci house may or may not be him, is that about it?
Fraser: I think you put it rather well Ray.
Francesca: Oh! I finished checking those phone numbers and there's nothing here except a bunch of calls made to a Detective Agency.
RayK: From the Tucci house?
Francesca: Of course.
RayK: Why would they be calling a Private Investigator?
Francesca: I don't know.
RayK: I'm gonna check this out.
Francesca: It's Apex Investigations on Van Buren.
RayK: Van Buren?
Francesca: Yeah.
RayK: Van Buren.
[At Apex Investigations]
RayK: So do you know when he'll uh, be back?
Receptionist: He didn't say.
RayK: Look, he's, he's not in any trouble, I just wanna ask him a couple questions about this case I'm working on.
Receptionist: Mr Fahay's never in trouble with the law. He's very law-abiding. Doesn't even get parking tickets.
RayK: No tickets, lucky guy! That's a lucky guy. You...you get tickets?
Receptionist: Sometimes.
RayK: Uh, I get them all the time. I hate 'em, but uh, I'm a cop so uh, those tickets you get? They could kinda you know...That's a..nice dress. I like that, that's very attractive.
Receptionist: You think?
RayK: Oh yeah.
Receptionist: You could leave your name and number. I mean he checks his messages.
RayK: Right, well he'd have to 'cause he's out in the field looking for the missing persons right?
Receptionist: Well not really. Actually his speciality is *not* finding them.
RayK: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Like if you want to declare somebody legally dead, you've got to make an effort to find them. Something you can show a court.
[Tucci house]
Frankie Jr: It's time you got with the program. I'm in charge here and what I say goes.
Luanne: You promised me...
Frankie Jr: Hey! All good things must end. You've been on the gravy train for what...three years now?
Fraser: Are you all right?
Luanne: Constable, you startled me. Yeah, I'm all right. Something's wrong. Franco's acting crazy. He's talking about putting Mrs Tucci in a home.
Fraser: Did he say where he was going?
Luanne: To get a drink.
Fraser: Excuse me. Diefenbaker? Come.
Dief: [Whines]
Fraser: I said come. What do you think you're doing? You're part of a team and on a team there is only room for one alpha dog, like it or lump it that is me, alpha. Now come.
Dief: Woof! [Whines]
Fraser: [Coughs] Diefenbaker? Stay. [Dief jumps up on Luanne] I thought you'd like that.
[In a street in Chicago. Franco Jr is walking along. A man goes to shoot him but Fraser saves him. The man runs off and Fraser chases after him. Fraser corners him and the man aims his gun at Fraser]
Fraser: You don't want to do this.
Martin: Sorry pal.
Fraser: Think about it Nellie. Right now, I'm the only friend you have.
Martin: Do I know you?
Fraser: No.
Martin: Who the hell are you?
Fraser: My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I....well that's not really important. What is important is that two years you were paid money to kill Sammy Franks and certain people are going to be very
unhappy to discover you've missed a second time and that their money, which I'm virtually certain is all gone is, in fact, all gone.
Martin: Yeah, well, you've got a good point.
Fraser: Thank you. Why don't you give me the gun and I promise you the full protection of the Chicago Police Department.
[Interrogation Room]
Martin: Do I get a good deal?
Dewey: Deal? Here's your deal. You tell us everything we wanna know OK? If we wanna know the lyrics to Oklahoma! you better know them. 'Cause if you don't we're gonna kick you outta here and broadcast your movements on the All News
Traffic Reports. You dig?
Martin: OK, OK. Look all right, OK, that's fine.
Huey: That's good. Good man.
[Squad room]
Francesca: Yeah. [To Fraser] It's Ray.
Fraser: Ray, where are you?
RayK: I checked the photo on his PI licence application. Franco Junior's real name is Wayne Fahay. He's the PI she hired to find the long lost son. It's a scam.
Fraser: I don't think Miss Russell...
RayK: Look, I'm goin' over there right now to pick her up.
Fraser: Ray, wait....
RayK: I can pick 'em can't I. [He hangs up]
[Interrogation room]
Martin: Anyway, so like I'm in Phoenix right and this guy comes up to me and he says I'm surprised you're showing your face and I says why? He says a buddy of his just got back from Chicago and now Frankie Tucci's back in town. And
I says no way, I killed the guy. You know? And, and he says no, no no, he, y'know, he's walking around and I think Jeez, you know, this is an affront to my professional dignity. I mean someone pays me good money to kill a guy you know,
bing bing! You know, I kill him, you know. I'm a professional. Hey, if that's a crime, I'm guilty. Right. Plus, the De Lucca family be trying to kill me right? So I hop the first plane east and I start asking around and I find he's
walking around, he's squeezing melons like the Godfather.
Huey: You took a contract on Frank Tucci Junior, two years ago in Phoenix.
Martin: Only he wasn't going by the name of Tucci then, he changed it two years ago after he left home. I got him on this boat, blew it right out of the water. All they found of him was pieces. I guess it was pieces of somebody else.
Huey: You proud of it?
[Other side of two-way glass]
Welsh: So what have you got, Constable?
Fraser: Interesting you should ask, sir.
[Interrogation room]
Martin: I'm not saying I'm proud of it, it's my job. You understand? You do your job, I do my job. Hey, you wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for guys like me.
Welsh: [Enters the room] Ah, Mr Nellie. Got a couple news bulletins for you. The good news is you were right the first time. You did kill Franco Tucci in Phoenix. Bad news is, uh, you just ratted out the De Lucca family. So if you're
gonna help yourself, I would start pretty quickly.
Martin: Yeah, yeah, OK.
[Tucci house. Frankie Jr. is gets his gun]
[Dewey's car. Fraser is on the mobile phone]
Dewey: Uh Fraser, you wanna step back? You're blocking the mirror.
Fraser: What, he's there with you now?
Luanne: Yes he's here and he's acting crazy. He's running around like a madman. What's going on?
Fraser: Get out of the house. [To Dewey] Go.
[Tucci house]
Frankie Jr: Put it down.
Luanne: You're not Franco.
Frankie Jr: Too damn right I'm not. But someone who thinks I am just tried to kill me.
Luanne: Why?
Frankie Jr: I don't know. And I don't care. But you can have Franco Tucci, the money, the old lady, the whole nine yards. I'm getting out of here.
RayK: I don't think so. Drop the gun!
Frankie Jr: Man am I glad to see you. I..Someone just tried to kill me.
RayK: Look I heard you, now drop the gun! You put the gun on the ground! Slowly. Kick it over here. Kick it! What I wanna know is which one of you pulled the trigger.
Luanne: What?
Frankie Jr: She did it. The whole thing was her idea, I swear.
RayK: OK, both of you, on the floor.
Luanne: Ray...
RayK: On the floor! Both of you. Hands behind your head. Interlock your fingers. Get down!
[RayK gets distracted by Dief. Frankie Jr jumps him, grabs the gun and runs off. The police arrive. Fraser gets out and runs after him. The police car blocks Frankie Jr's escape]
Huey: Put the gun down! Now!
Fraser: Mr Tucci feared that when he died there would be no-one to provide for his beloved wife do he hired this man Fahay to find his long-lost son. When he showed Fahay the photograph of his son, Fahay's resemblance to Franco Junior
was obvious and that was the genesis of his scheme. He would murder Mr Tucci, then he would impersonate the son and lay claim to the money and the property that Mr Tucci had told him awaited Franco Junior.
Dewey: Yet he didn't know the old man was ill and probably would die in a few months.
Huey: And he didn't know the real Franco was a man with a price on his head.
Fraser: Yes, the axiom would seem to hold that Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.
RayK: So she had nothing to do with it. [He walks over to Luanne] I..I don't know what to say. I um, made a mistake, I'm, uh, sorry.
Luanne: Yeah, you did.
RayK: Look, I'll uh, I'll talk to my Lieutenant and, and I'll get back your four thousand bucks.
Luanne: You know that's good Ray. Because as we walk along life's highway it's nice to know in a crunch I can just really count on you.
RayK: Look, wait a minute, I...[Luanne shuts the door in his face]
[Back in the park. Fraser and RayK are sitting around the campfire again]
RayK: Why couldn't I trust her? I mean, if I trusted her I would be sitting with her instead of...sitting out here in the wilderness.
Fraser: We aren't actually in the wilderness Ray. We're in a park in the middle of downtown Chicago.
RayK: It's not you, you know. Those things I accused you of? It's me. I mean, I looked at her. She's drop-dead beautiful. She looked at me, she's actually interested in me and right away I click, I start thinking, OK, what is wrong
with her? What kind of guy is that? What does that say about a guy?
Fraser: Loooooooouuuuuu Scagnetti looked at the Princess who sat across the stone table in the stone cabin high atop Sulphur Mountain. And the Princess smiled at him. And for a brief second, Loooooouuuuuuu Scagnetti could hear his
own inner bell ring as though it were rung by a thousand angels. And he took his hand and he placed it over his heart and Looooooouuuuuuu Scagnetti vowed that never again would he kill and eat another Princess as long as he lived. Well,
unless of course she were covered in choke cherries and brown lichen with a sprinkling of dust....
RayK: Fraser..
Fraser: What?
RayK: That is one dark story.
Fraser: Yes, it is. Spaghetti's ready.
RayK: Mmmm(!) Uh, where's Dief?
[Tucci house. Luanne is in bed, reading]
Luanne: Gabriella's chest heaved at the sight of him. His boldness made her feel like a true princess. As he came near her she felt a trembling that began deep inside her most secret place.
[Outside, Dief is sitting staring at the window]
[The End]
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