Vinnie: What you doing?

Louise: I need some stuff for Jamie.

Vinnie: What stuff.

Louise: Milk.

Vinnie: You got milk.

Louise: And diapers, okay? He ran out.

Vinnie: No he didn't. what are you doing Louise? You trying to get me killed?

Louise: Please. I just I need to go out for a little while.

Vinnie: And I told you no. I need you here. I need your

Louise: I hate you for doing this to us, Vinnie. I swear to God I hate you.

Vinnie: Please Louise real good. Now you want to shut off the water works?

***

Claude: Had a date last night Vinnie. What happened.

Vinnie: I'm getting the money, I just don't have it yet.

Claude: Break his legs.

Vinnie: No! I'll get the money! Claude, I swear I'll have it tomorrow man!

Claude: Vinnie, let's be honest with ourselves. A little punk like you will never have ten grand. Shouldn't have been at that crap table in the first place. So learn your lesson and take it like a man.

Vinnie: No Claude! I could get it. The envelope man. On the TV. Check the envelope, you'll see.

Claude: The envelope. So this is how you're going to pay me back. You're going to use your kid. Vinnie, I was feeling sorry for you. Now I'm not. So. Tomorrow you bring me the money or you're dead.

***

Vinnie: Louise. Louise. Damn it, Louise.

***

Louise: The Mountie. Have you guys seen the Mountie?

#1: You have an appointment?

Louise: Where is he?

#2: Try the coffee shop.

Louise: Okay.

***

Ray: I'm not talking just about a hair cut here Fraser, I'm talking about a change in lifestyle.

Fraser: There's something wrong with your life Ray?

Ray: No, there's something wrong with my hair and that reflects on my life. Your hair is who you are, Fraser. It makes a statement.

Fraser: Oh, I see.

Waitress: More coffee?

Fraser: Please.

***

Fraser: What does it say?

Ray: What?

Fraser: Your hair. What does it say?

Ray: At the moment?

Fraser: Yeah.

Ray: Well let's see. It's a straight and slicked back so I guess it's got that 'mess with me and you're dead' style. Good for the job. The contouring around the ears? That's unexpected. That says 'watch out, this guy might be dangerous.' And then the feathering around the back? Well, that's a not to the female demographic. So what's it saying? It's saying 'deadly and dangerous but not afraid to cry.

Fraser: Really? What does my hair say?

Ray: Oh that's not hair, Fraser, that's a pelt.

Fraser: Oh. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you kindly.

***

Ray: You know I just have this feeling that something--

Fraser: Pardon me. Oh sir, uh...

Fraser: It's to be expected Ray. I mean, as a man ages...

Ray: So what are you saying. You saying I'm thinning?

Fraser: No, no, no. I'm not saying you're thinning.

Ray: You want to see thinning? I'm gonna show you thinning.

***

Ray: Hey there, you need a hand?

Girl: That's okay sir.

Ray: It's gone Fraser.

Fraser: What's gone Ray?

Ray: That thing that je ne sais quoi.

Fraser: It's just a bald spot Ray.

Ray: Oh two minutes ago I'm thinning, now it's a bald spot.

Fraser: I'm sorry Ray, but I thought you realized.

Ray: Where? Where? At the back? Is it bad? How bad...Fraser, there's a baby in my car.

Fraser: Yes, there is, Ray. There certainly is.

***

Waitress: I mean, call me old fashion but I think there's nothing as attractive as a man with baby formula on his sleeve.

Ray: Oh please!

Fraser: Oh could you, uh, would you mind...

Waitress: Anything else I can get you?

Fraser: Yes, actually. If you would just uh, Oh, sorry.

***

Fraser: Thank you.

Ray: This is pathetic.

Fraser: I know but he seems to be enjoying it.

Ray: Not him. You. Okay. Diaper changing time. Any volunteers? I didn't think so. Come on let's dig us up a social worker.

Fraser: Oh you think that's wise Ray? *I mean, the mother comes looking for him---

Ray: What mother? The kid was abandoned.

Fraser: Well not according to this. Look. Blankets, cloth diapers, extra clothing. The food is all home made and in reusable jars. This mother cares about her child very much.

Ray: Oh yeah. That's why she left him in the back of a parked car.

Fraser: I don't think she planned to Ray. I think she's desperate and she needs our help.

Ray: How do you know that?

Fraser: I think she saw us in here but couldn't attract our attention and she had to live close by, she couldn't have run very far with all of this in her arms.

Ray: Oh come on Fraser. Moot point. Procedure is you find an abandoned kid, you call a social worker and tag she's it. Then he goes to a holding center.

Fraser: Is that like an orphanage?

Ray: No. It's a very modern facility where they hold the kid till they can place him in a foster home.

Fraser: An orphanage.

Ray: No, it's not an orphanage.

Fraser: What if the mother wants the child back?

Ray: Well then there'll be an investigation. If it turns out there's extenuating circumstances. Maybe.

Fraser: I see.

Ray: Oh come on, Fraser, don't give me that big-eyed Mountie look. It's police procedure. Now give me the kid. Give me the kid.

Fraser: Diefenbaker no. You heard him. It's procedure.

***

Fraser: He has a philosophical objection you understand.

Ray: So what? The wolf has a thing about family values?

Fraser: Well most wolves do. Surely you've heard of stories of wolves raising children that were abandoned in the wilderness.

Ray: Those are not historical accounts, Fraser, those are Disney movies.

Fraser: Myth springs from truth Ray. Most wolves form very strong loyalties and will kill to defend them I know. I've experienced it.

Ray: Really?

Fraser: Oh, it's all right. He knows you. Just keep you hands where he can see them...and make the puffin face.

Ray: I am not gonna make the puffin face.

Fraser: Make the puffin face.

Ray: I don't even know what a puffin is.

***

Fraser: No you don't.

Ray: Oh yes you do.

***

Fraser: So this is the...

Ray: it looks better on the inside.

Fraser: I'm sure it does.

Ray: Fraser, It's not a workhouse. They don't put kids on treadmills here.

Fraser: No, no, no. of course not. We'll be right back.

***

Fraser: They seem happy enough.

Ray: Hi how are you.

Kid: Are you my daddy?

Ray: Uh, no kid, I'm not.

Fraser: Well fed too.

***

Kid: You're my daddy?

Ray: No. No kid I'm not. I'm sure he'll be along soon enough.

Fraser: Oh yes. Very soon.

***

Fraser: Ray?

Ray: Six o'clock.

Fraser: What?

Ray: Ya got till six o'clock to find the kids mother. After that he hits the treadmill.

Fraser: Well I thought you said there was no treadmill.

Ray: Never mind that. Get in the car.

Fraser: Thank you kindly.

***

Older kid: How much you get?

Kid: Five big ones.

Older Kid: He's good. Real good.

***

Ray: You're sure. She could be blonde or brunette.

Mother: Cloth diapers? How do you prevent them from leaking.

Fraser: moss. It's an old Inuit method. Naturally anti-bacterial, holds three times it's weight in liquid.

Mother: Really?

Ray: Benny you want to save the survival tips for later?

Fraser: Well of course Ray.

***

Fraser: Just make sure you check for bugs.

***

Ray: Alright there are three parks, two toy stores and a mommy and me class. I think we've done our duty to the little tike.

Fraser: Oh, oh, Ray. Would you mind? I think he's got gas.

Ray: Oh come on Fraser.

Fraser: No, no. I changed him. Fairs fair.

Ray: Look we are getting no where okay? We need a better description than hair color, race and possible matching dimples. Oh no! Fraser! Fraser! Give me something. Give me a rag. Give me the hat, give me the hat.

Fraser: Leave it. Leave it.

Ray: Hey, this is armani.

Fraser: It's interesting.

Ray: No, it's not interesting, it's vomit. There's interesting and then there's vomit. Get it off me.

Fraser: This isn't formula. It's curdled. I don't think it's cows milk, the curdles are too small.

Ray: Well who cares what it is. Get me to a dry cleaner will you?

Fraser: Where's the nearest Dairy Mart?

***

Clerk: Yep, that's vomit alright.

Fraser: Yes but do you recognize the curds?

Clerk: I don't know. It's a little chewed up. Maybe if you let it harden.

Ray: On suede? What are you, a sadist?

Fraser: Perhaps an educated guess.

Clerk: Well if it came out of the child's stomach, I'd say goats milk. Smaller curd, easier on the tummy.

Ray: You have anybody who special orders?

Clerk: Oh yeah, a few. Some have allergies, some just buy it for their kids.

Ray: How many?

***

Vinnie: Things have been kinda tough with me out of work and Louise worried about how we're gonna take care of Jamie. I guess she just snapped. The doctor said she was just depressed after the baby. All she needed was a few weeks and she'd get over it but-

Ray: Where is she now?

Vinnie: Oh, she's out looking for Jamie. I mean we both were, right? But then I came back. I thought somebody would call.

Fraser: No, I know. We ran into each other outside the coffee shop.

Vinnie: Yeah. Sorry about that. I was pretty freaked out and Louise- she was even worse. I mean she practically fell apart when she realized what she did. She's crazy about this kid. She - I've never seen her cry like that, right? I say to her, I say, 'It's okay, you just made a mistake.' You can understand a mistake can't you Detective?

Fraser: Do you have any identification?

***

Louise: The Mountie. Have you seen him anywhere?

Woman: Maybe. You his girlfriend?

Louise: No. Did he have a baby with him?

Woman: Oh! You got him babysitting for you huh?

Louise: Please, can you just tell me if you've seen him.

Woman: You live on Hastings.

Louise: Yeah.

Woman: Then you better hurry. Babysitting. Why didn't I think of that.

***

Ray: Alright. Father's driver's license matches the baby's birth certificate. I'm happy.

Fraser: Do you have any family photographs?

Ray: Benny, it's the kid's father. Everything matches up.

Vinnie: It's okay. He kinda looked like Kermit the frog at first, but that's him.

***

Fraser: Diefenbaker, this is the baby's father. Well uh, thank you for your patience.

Vinnie: Really? You don't know what this means to Louise and me. We won't forget ya.

Ray: Just don't leave the baby unattended again.

***

Ray: Yeah. I don't know. My mother never left me alone and if she did there was always someone there to look after me.

Fraser: Diefenbaker!

Ray: Oh great. We've got a jealous wolf now?

Fraser: What is it?

Ray: Oh come on. He's already past the sniff test. What more do you want?

Fraser: Maybe I wasn't specific enough. Maybe I didn't ask the right kind of questions?

Ray: Oh what's he suppose to be? Some kind of lupine lie detector now?

Fraser: Pacifier.

Ray: What?

Fraser: He threw the babies pacifer on the ground.

***

Fraser: You take the front. Diefenbaker!

Louise: You! My baby! What did you do with him?

Fraser: Are you Louise?

Louise: Yes! I gave you may baby. So, where is he?

Fraser: His father. I-

Louise: Oh my God. He's gonna sell him. He's gonna sell Jamie.

***

Ray: Nineteen-seventy-four white Chevy convertible. Illinois plate. Robert John David eight zero nine. No. No. Do not apprehend. He's got a kid with him. Just get me the location.

Louise: At first I thought he was letting off steam. He was out of work. Nothing to do but stare at the four walls so he would go out at night and bet a little. But loose mostly. He would pick up a day of work here or there so I thought it was just a few bucks. Until his unemployment checks started to disappear.

Fraser: How much did he lose?

Louise: He wouldn't tell me. But the man, the one who threatened him? He said ten thousand dollars.

Ray: Musta been some kind of roll.

Louise: Well ifyou ask me, I think they saw him coming.

Fraser: And the baby?

Louise: It was so stupid. I thought he was just talking crazy like he does sometimes when things get bad, but I never thought that he would--there was this man who came by the neighborhood and he said he worked for this lawyer who specialized in helping people like us. People who couldn't take care of their kids. I told him to go to hell, but Vinnie, all he could see was how much he cost us. Doctor's bills, grocery money. I couldn't work so that was Jamie's fault too. And Vinnie. He was just so angry all the time. He wouldn't even hold him. His own kid. He's not - he's not a bad guy. He didn't used to be.

Fraser: We'll find him.

Ray: Look, if you want us to arrest him you're gonna have to swear out a complaint.

Fraser: It that what you want?

Louise: They, they say that you believe in people. That you're the only one in the neighborhood without locks on his doors.

Fraser: Yes, well that's not entirely intentional.

Ray: Someone stole them.

Fraser: This attorney. Do you remember his name?

***

Millie: Morris Morisot Associates, Attorney's at Law. Hold please. Morisot Attorney's at Law. How can I help you? She's in a meeting. Would you like to leave another message? Thank you.

Client: Look it's been thirty minutes now. Can I just go in and drop off the--

Millie: You got a chair?

Client: Yeah.

Millie: You got a magazine?

Client: Uh huh but I -

Millie: Sit.

***

Ray: You got a mouthpeice named Morisot here?

Millie: It all depends what flatfoot is asking.

Fraser: You know Ray this may not be best -

Ray: I'll tell you, Millie. You get Morisot out here or I hold a seminar on black market baby selling and your

Millie: Magazine.

Ray: Okay, how many of you folks are here to arrange for adoptions!

Fraser: Ray, we have no evidence.

Ray: Fraser, look, this is how it works. Okay, a sleeze ball rents a fancy office and poor suckers like these think he's legit. Next thing you know he's selling babies like rugs in a casbar. Excuse me ma'am, do you know what happens to a little tyke in a place like these?

Mother: We just came in to use the bathroom

***

Miss Marisot: I'm Miss Marisot, can I help you Detective?

Ray: Yeah, you can turn that baby over to me. I could slap a pair of hand cuffs on you.

Miss Marisot: Perhaps you should step inside.

Ray: Perhaps we should.

Miss Marisot: This should take just a moment.

***

Miss Marisot: Now just what the hell is this all about.

Fraser: Miss Marisot we have reason to believe that that child has been put up for adoption without the full knowledge and agreement of both parents.

Ray: which makes you a fraud, a kidnapper and not a very nice person.

Miss Marisot: Detective, I can't decide whether you are just naturally offensive or just naturally ignorant and I'd be checking your facts before shooting your mouth off.

Ray: How much did she offer you Vinnie? Forty or fifty grand for that kid?

Vinnie: Can't you do something? Get him out of here.

Miss Marisot: I hate to burst your bubble Detective but this is a completely legal adoption. Any compensation the parents may or may not receive is fully allowable under Illinois law.

Ray: Come on, Louise Webber doesn't even know her kid's being sold off.

Miss Marisot: Louise Webber sat at this table six weeks ago and signed these application papers in my presence. You will notice that they are witnessed, notarized and the appropriate copies have been filed with Illinois State Adoption Board.

Fraser: The mother knew?

Miss Marisot: Of course she knew. I'm a respectable attorney, Constable, not some back street baby snatcher. I make my living from epople who trust me and make referrals that should be obvious.

Vinnie: I'm out of here. You deal with this.

Miss Marisot: We signed an agreement Vinnie.

Vinnie: I'll be there.

Fraser: Oh uh, Vincent.

Vinnie: What?

Fraser: Goat's milk.

Vinnie: What?

Fraser: He drinks goat's milk. He's almost out.

***

Louise: Vinnie.

Vinnie: You didn't tell them did you?

Louise: I thought that maybe they wouldn't help us.

Vinnie: Nobody is going to help us. We're in too deep. That's why we have to do this.

Louise: Jamie needs us too.

Vinnie: It'll be better for him. You should see these people Louise they got money. Heaps of it. He's some corporate guy. He's got his own plane. What are you and I gonna offer this kid except a whole lot of nothing.

Louise: You never tried Vinnie. Not once. You were too busy thinking about yourself.

Vinnie: Yeah. It's always me. Everything's my fault. You signed those papers Louise. Nobody put a gun to your head.

Louise: We both did something really stupid but that doesn't mean we can't change our minds. Lawyer said--

Vinnie: Both of us got to back out, not just you. I can't afford that. I back out I'm dead.

Louise: Vinnie, please. Think of what you're doing.

Vinnie: I got no choice okay?

Louise: Fine. You give him to me. Give me my baby. Vinnie. Vinnie. Don't. Please. Vinnie. Vinnie. Don't. No! No!

***

Ray: It's over.

Fraser: Not quite. He never listens.

Ray: I'll get the car.

***

Ray: Do you know how hard it is to find goat's milk at a 7-11? If it wasn't for the Arminian at the cash register.

Fraser: Thanks Ray.

Fraser: You're breaking your heart over someone else's kid. It's not a smart move.

Fraser: No. you're probably right.

Ray: You know what you're going to say? You'll think of something.

***

Vinnie: Get out of here. Alright, I'm calling the pound. What in hell is wrong with you?

Fraser: I'd steer the conversation away from dog pounds if I were you. It's not surprising he lacks perspective on the subject. May I?

Vinnie: What are you doing here?

Fraser: I got some things for your son. You might want to warm this up.

Vinnie: I got milk. Now you want to get your wolf away from my kid?

Fraser: Oh well, that's going to be difficult.

Vinnie: Why is he nuts or something?

Fraser: No. No. No. It's just that he rarely does anything I ask him to. We've tried to work through it. God knows I have done my part, but it's something we can't seem to get past.

Vinnie: This-this is nuts man.

Fraser: I know. I know. I know. It's a conundrum. But he does seem intent on staying so if I were to hazard a guess I would say he must have a reason.

Vinnie: The wolf.

Fraser: Apparently. Did you do anything to make him think you needed him?

Vinnie: Oh come on now. What do I need with a wolf?

Fraser: Now that that is an interesting question. According to the text books, the wolf is a hunter, an animal of prey. The Inuit. The Inuit take a very different view of it.

Vinnie: The Inuit?

Fraser: People of the North. They have their own idea of why the wolf was created. You interested? In the beginning of this legend, there was a man and woman. And nothing else on Earth walked or swam or flew. So the woman dug a big hole in the ground and she started fishing in it. And she pulled out all of the animals. And the last animal she pulled out was the caribou.

Vinnie: Thought this was about wolves, man.

Fraser: Oh, they'll be along in a minute.

Vinnie: Ah.

Fraser: And so the woman set the caribou free and ordered it to multiply and soon the land was full of them. And the people lived well and they were happy. But the hunters. The hunters only killed those caribou that were big and strong and soon all that were left were the weak and the sick. And the People began to starve. So the woman had to make magic again and this time she called Amorak, [or Amoroq, either one is correct Inuit]Spirit of the Wolf, to winnow out the weak and the sick so the herd would once again be strong. The People realized that the caribou and the wolf were one. For although the caribou feeds the wolf, it is the wolf that keeps the caribou strong.

Vinnie: So, what are you saying? The wolf might eat me?

Fraser: Perhaps.

***

Ray: Inuit story?

Fraser: Yep.

Ray: Let's hope it works.

***

Dief: Woof woof woof woof woof woof. Growl growl.

Vinnie: Get off me. Get off me.

Dief: Growl growl.

Vinnie: Get off me. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. Uh. Okay. Alright. It's okay. It's okay. Come one Daddy's here. Yeah. Okay, yeah. That's my boy.

***

Vinnie: It'll be okay. And you're gonna like it. When I was a kid I always wanted to live in a big house. You know what? I bet you'll even have a playhouse. Things can't always be the way you want them to. And sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do you better learn that. Don't you kid yourself sometimes things catche up to you. So don't say your old man never taught you anything.

***

Need a lift Vinnie?

Claude: Easy man, watch the kid.

***

Ray: They're gonna kill him.

Fraser: No. No they'll get their money first.

***

Ray: So we're just gonna sit this one out?

Fraser: You can't solve peoples problems for them, Ray.

Ray: Oh at least he'll have a new home and parents.

***

Ray: Oh great, so now he changes his minds with guns and criminals?

***

Claude: Shoot him please.

Hinchman: In the back?

Claude: Unless you can think of a better angle. Yes.

***

Louise: Vinnie!

Claude: Get him!

***

Ray: Ok, we saved his life for fifteen seconds. Now what?

Fraser: You take the big one, I'll take the bigger one.

Fraser: Fraser, There's three of them. Can't I just shoot them?

Fraser: Not unless you want to blow up thirty two tons of jet fuel.

***

Vinnie: No!

Claude: Give me the kid Vinnie.

Vinnie: I'm not doing it man.

Claude: Of course you are. Even the lowest creature is blessed with a survival instinct. Come on Vinnie. Give me the kid.

Vinnie: No way man. You want to take me out, go ahead but you're not getting my kid.

Claude: It's your choice.

Dief: Woof woof

Claude: Are you going to call him off?

Fraser: Diefenbaker. Off. He never listens.

Ray: It's true.

***

Vinnie: Let's go home.

Louise: You take our kid. You scare the hell out of me. You've got a lot to make up for man.

Fraser: You're welcome.

***

Ray: I think she was nearsighted.

Fraser: Who?

Ray: The chick with the bike.

Fraser: Oh you mean at the coffee shop.

Ray: Yeah.

Fraser: Well, she's probably too young for you Ray.

Fraser: Okay. No, no, no. It's not her. It's just that she didn't notice my je ne sais quoi.

Fraser: From the French meaning I don't know what?

Ray: Yeah.

Fraser: Did you ever consider maybe you replaced it with something else?

Ray: Really? What?

Fraser: Yeah. That's it.

Ray: What?

Fraser: I'd rather not say.

Ray: Come on Fraser.

Fraser: No Ray, it's your hair.

Ray: No, no we're partners man you've got to be brutally honest with me.

Fraser: All right. One phrase? Je ne sais quoi.

Ray laughs.

End